The Lost Boys #6

Fuck The Lost Boys. I want a Young Guns comic!

The Review!
The vampires dies, the heroes go on with their lives, and there's the scene at the end that assures the readership that it isn't over yet. And also that Keifer Sutherland's character will continue to be the star baddie. The end!

The Ranking!
-3! I really thought I would be interested in this series. Not because it was The Lost Boys but because Tim Seeley was writing it. But I guess even Tim Seeley couldn't get me interested in this franchise. I only liked The Lost Boys for that short time that I thought the movie took place in Santa Clara, my home town. I wanted to live in the murder capital of the world too!

The Lost Boys #5

There's nothing wrong with being aroused by cleavage even when it's on a vampire being burned at the stake. Especially when!

There are an awful lot of females in a comic book called The Lost Boys. It must be part of the feminist agenda. Since I'm pro-feminist agendas, I don't have a problem with it. I was just pointing out the oddity of it. Don't yell at me!

I'm mostly a feminist because I believe in the Free the Nipple Campaign. Also the equal rights thing.

Why are you still yelling at me?!

In the current political climate where a bunch of stupid old white men are doing seriously dangerous things, I shouldn't be so facetious concerning feminism. What good does it do anybody? The people I agree with (feminists) don't want to read somebody treating feminism as not important and acting like feminists are shrill. It's really the MRA sea lions that are shrill although they do it in their calm "M'lady" voices that are supposed to appear logical and rational but really just expose their seething rage hidden behind their unending attempts to wear down their perceived enemies. I definitely don't want those sea lions thinking I agree with them so that they start clapping their big meaty flippers and barking wildly in agreement. That's kind of a metaphor for their failed lives: agreeing with somebody who doesn't really agree with them while they rant into the void of a world that cannot hold I'll escape now from that world from the world of Jean Valjean there is nowhere I can turn there is no way to go oooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

I just woke up on the ground in a puddle of drool and blood. I think I hit my head on the coffee table enacting the Javert suicide scene. Pro tip: don't stand on an office chair with casters while singing Les Miserables at the top of your lungs.

I forgot that this story is called "The Lost Girl" which is why there are so many women in it. Although isn't that fucking typical of comic book boy culture? There are multiple lost boys but only one lost girl.

I'm not sure if I haven't been following this series closely enough or if I just don't have enough knowledge of previous Lost Boys stories to comprehend it because I'm sort of lost now too. Maybe that's the only point Tim Seeley has! Write a story which makes the reader feel lost so that the reader connects with everybody in the story who is either a lost girl or a lost boy. Well, Tim, you've succeeded! I'm thoroughly confused!

The Ranking
-1! That negative rating might be more my fault than the fault of the comic book. I just can't be bothered with investing more time into this series to try to figure out exactly what's going on.

The Lost Boys #4

Nothing says "illusory cool" like 80s style (and saxophones).

The Review
No change. This is a Vertigo comic book but it didn't feel like a Vertigo comic book until this issue. That's because even though it's full of vampires who are totally into sex and swearing, not one of them sexed anything or cussed their brains out in the previous issue. But in this issue, David is all, "You don't fuck, motherfucker! Fucking vampires fuck! Fucking hell yeah we fucking do!" And then David and The Believer impale themselves on a stalagmite (unless it's a stalactite!) and die in a sexy death embrace that completes the ritual to wake the Motherfucking Vampire Mothers who didn't put many clothes on when they fell asleep in the pool centuries ago.

I know David and Sam and the Believer's nipples were all over the earlier pages of this thing and that they look almost exactly like these nipples but society has programmed me to only be turned on by these nipples. And look at that! I'm all sexified now!

The Lost Boys #3

I appreciate the continuity of this cover. The vampires are seen hanging on the ceiling of a cave as they slept last issue and this cover shows vampire feet capable of doing just that.

The Review!
This comic book is only called "The Lost Boys" so that fans of the movie know that this story takes place in that world. But the series is actually called "The Lost Girl." See what Tim Seeley did there?! The lost girl is Star from the movie. It turns out she has been working for a tribe of vampires called the Blood Belles in their search for the ancient vampire city of Xibalba. They sent her to destroy The Lost Boys so that the Blood Belles could swoop in and wake the mothers, ancient vampires who are probably the mothers of all vampires. It's also possible "mothers" is just a shortened name for "motherfuckers" because these are the baddest ass vamps that have ever existed. Except it's more likely they're the matrons of the vampire race, this being a story called "The Lost Boys: The Lost Girl". Who is more lost than little boys and girls without their mothers, right?

So in this issue, it turns out a vampire named Billy is running the Blood Belles and organizing the waking of the mothers. David is helping because there has to be some vampire connection to the movie. It isn't enough to have Sam and Michael and Star and the Frog Brothers and Lucy and Nanook and Grandpa Vampire Hunter. Those are just boring regular people. Billy knows the ritual to wake the mothers. She must sacrifice somebody with vampire blood (Michael who still has Max's blood running through him) and a male virgin (either one of the Frog Brothers will do). Will Star allow Billy to go through with it or will her love for Michael prove too strong?! We probably all know the answer to that unless Tim Seeley has really thought up some super groovy twist ending.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to overuse the phrase "super groovy" for a few weeks.

Also, Michael and Sam have met The Believer who's been made aware of new vampires in Santa Cruz. I mean Santa Clara. I mean San Dimas. I mean Santa Carla.

This is The Believer about to kill a vampire with his boner which I totally thought probably wouldn't work in my commentary for Issue #1. I stand corrected.

No change in ranking. I standby my assessment that this is for The Lost Boys fans. Although if they're too big of fans, they'll hate it because it isn't the original source material or by the people who made the original source material. Fans of pop culture are weird. Some fans like anything to do with the thing they like. But they're only middle of the road fans! If you're the biggest fan ever, you show it by being super duper critical of everything that isn't the original bit that made you a fan in the first place. So basically the bigger a fan you are of something, the more you hate everything that isn't an exact copy of the thing you love. In other words, people who declare themselves the biggest fan of something are usually the biggest dicks in the fandom.

The Lost Boys #2

Just because you're a vampire, it doesn't mean you have to be an annoying fucking cunt.

For the life of me, I can't understand how people are ever bored. I don't mean when you're on a long plane flight and being in an uncomfortable situation keeps you from doing things you'd normally do in that space of time, like read or write or secretly masturbate under the complimentary blanket. Or when you're at a job that forces you to stay for forty hours every week when there's really only twenty-three hours of work. I mean when you're in the comfort of the domicile of your own choosing living a life that isn't completely taken up by a subsistence living, I can't see how people get bored. I'm struggling to get everything in that I want to get in before I die. And I'm failing miserably! How does anybody ever have the time to be bored?!

The artist of this book is named Godlewski. Braggart.

This issue begins with a coroner telling the family member of a recently found dead person how vampires don't exist. That's not usually the first thing you tell a recently dead person's family member unless vampires really do exist and the evidence of their existence is overwhelming and you're in denial.

If you see these marks all the time on dead bodies in Santa Carla and you don't think vampires exist, I don't think you know how scientific evidence and investigation work. Stop letting your bias control the results of your medical examinations! Quincy would be so disappointed in you.

We should all live by the motto "What would Quincy do?" I'm fairly certain one thing he would do is walk around in public with one hand jammed way down the front of his pants.

The Medical Examiner explains that the bite marks are just things local gang members (who aren't vampires, by the way!) do to victims to spread fear. So, you know, nothing to be afraid of. Except the roving gangs of not vampires murdering people. That's not spooky at all.

The woman is the Sam's mother identifying her father, the vampire hunter. So she doesn't need to be told that vampires aren't destroying Santa Carla. She lived it! Although I don't remember. In the movie, was she one of those characters who didn't believe in the vampires and just thought all of the chaos and destruction was being caused by partying youths? Anyway, a policeman comes to offer his regards and he calls the people who killed her father "monsters." This makes Star uncomfortable since she was one of those monsters. Or was half one of those monsters. Or still is?

With the death of his grandfather, Sam has figured out the woman he met in the comic book store earlier was a vampire. She had those scratches on her shoulder that are totally the David brand and almost certainly representations of the antler scratches he suffered when he was almost killed by Sam and his grandfather and the Frogs. Time to gear up and go hunting vampires! Like right now! This series only has five issues left and it's probably going to take a lot of pages to kill all the sexy vampires in Santa Carla in really sexy ways. This is a Vertigo comic, right? I demand some adult material!

This issue is called "The Lost Girl" because representation matters. Little girls should see women vampires too so that they realize being a vampire is not beyond their grasp.

The Frog Brothers rush out to kill some vampires or maybe have sex with some vampires. Hopefully right on panel. Not because I want to see the boners of the Frog Brothers! I want to see some naked vampires!

I seem to be somewhat distracted while reading this. I probably should have masturbated before reading comic books. Dave Sim, the writer of Cerebus, eventually took a vow of chastity because he believed it distracted him from his work. So he didn't even masturbate! I think he had the whole thing backwards. You need to masturbate so you get past the urge and aren't constantly distracted. I also think I'm right and Dave Sim was wrong. Just look at the evidence! While Dave Sim was fucking and masturbating, he wrote the first half of Cerebus. Pure genius! While he was not touching his ding dong or thinking about anybody else touching it, he wrote the final books of Cerebus. Total yawnsville!

Star runs out on Michael proclaiming this is her fault because she's a fucking monster! If David is still alive then she's still a half-vampire! She's a traitor!

This story takes place in the 80s where brothers never would have hugged because it was gay.

I almost captioned the above scan "Now fuck!" If you're less sensitive about incest than being reminded that guys in the 80s were obsessed with not appearing gay, you can switch the captions.

The Frog Brothers investigate the old Dave the Vampire's haunt only to find a tunnel has been dug into the floor and down into the side of the seaside cliff. It must lead to the fabled City of Hot Vampire Lesbians! That comment wasn't me hoping that all the vampires are lesbians. That comment was due to the vampire comic books from the previous issue all having titles about vampires and their lesbian tendencies.

The Frog Brothers fall into the tunnel because of an earthquake which is like a daily occurrence in California. They wind up in a pool in a deep cave staring up at David and his hot female vampire coven hanging from the ceiling. Gross! Vampires must have claws instead of toes! I wonder if any of their other body parts look different? I hope not.

It's difficult in this day and age to be a man and constantly have all of your natural urges called sexist. Like looking at attractive women and wanting to have sex with those attractive women and calling them bitches when they refuse.

All the missing children reveal themselves as they slip into the water and attack the Frog Brothers from below the surface. Don't kid vampires ever sleep?! They're just like real kids! Always up and banging about the house and murdering people before the sun is even up.

David wakes up as Edgar is busy calling Sam on the Walkie Talkie. Edgar says a bunch of stuff about how thankful he is to Sam for being a friend but he doesn't say, "Sam! The Vampires are in a hole in David's old flat!" He was definitely right in his claim that he should have been a better vampire hunter.

Speaking of better vampire hunters, some guy called The Believer who wasn't voted into the Hunters Union is about to meet Sam. Maybe he'll be able to save the Frog Brothers! He's introduced all shirtless and sexy with a studded belt and leather pants and playing a saxophone. Remember, this is the 80s! There was nothing more sexy than playing a saxophone while shirtless! Which seems weird when you remember my last comment about how guys tried so hard not to look gay in that decade. Blowing a horn that reaches down to your crotch? Not exactly the not-gayest thing.

The Ranking!
No change! I suppose if you like The Lost Boys, you should really enjoy this excursion back into the world. I can't say I'm a huge fan of the movie since I haven't really rewatched it since around when it first came out. And I've never read any supplementary stories or seen either of the more recent spin-off movies. But I hear there are people who still feather their hair and hang Poison posters on their walls who really fucking love this shit. You'd probably love this too!

The Lost Boys #1

According to Internet spelling conventions, shouldn't this be The Loost Boys?

The Commentary!
• My local comic book forced this comic book into my pull box without my consent. But I saw Tim Seeley was writing it, so I suppose I'm okay with it. Although I did make a vow several years ago to never again read a book or watch a movie or television show about vampires because enough already! That vow lasted a week before going to see Concrete Blonde's 20th anniversary of Bloodletting concert.

• Vampires sure have come a long way! Who would have thought that Anne Rice's version of vampires would win out over Stephen King's Salem's Lot version? I suppose you'd have to be a desperately horny teenager to find one of King's vampires attractive. Although I think I'd rather watch that movie.

• My favorite vampire movie is Let the Right One In. It's also my favorite movie about pedophilia! Not that I have a list of favorite pedophile movies. And even if I did, I'm sure it wouldn't be a long list. Let me check. Yeah, it totally wouldn't be a long list! It's taken a bit but I've become a little bit less cynical about the movie and have allowed for the idea that Eli actually cares for Oskar. The title does make more sense if that's the case, being that Eli has let the right one, Oskar, into Eli's life. Before that, Eli had taken a pedophile in as a caretaker. And that makes sense since Eli's turning involved a pedophile who castrated Eli. So Eli, even as a vampire, would be caught in a cycle of abuse. Abusers would be attracted to Eli and Eli would allow abusers into Eli's life. My cynical nature first viewed Eli as a mature predator grooming Oskar to be Eli's next "caretaker". But it seems Eli is really breaking the cycle of abuse and has found somebody in Oskar who actually cares and whom Eli also cares about. Being that the two kids are cute together, I don't mind believing that's the "actual" story. But my cynical side can't help seeing how Eli is grooming Oskar to be just another victim in the cycle of abuse. I should probably read the novel!

• This book isn't based on my favorite vampire movie though! This book is based on The Lost Boys. You can tell because it goes by the same name and there are a lot of Douchebag vampires on the cover (as well as a couple of Coreys). The Lost Boys was filmed in Santa Cruz, California, just over the hill from where I grew up in the valley. I grew up in Santa Clara, California, which is almost the name (Santa Carla) they gave to Santa Cruz in the film! This is one of those movies that I can still go back to and be smashed in the face by nostalgia because almost everywhere they go in the movie, I've physically been to. Also, being from the valley side of the Santa Cruz Mountains, the film feels like a metaphor for surfers trying to keep the valleys off of their turf. I don't remember but I wouldn't be surprised if the vampires had spray painted things like "Valleys Go Home" all over their dark lairs.

• This issue begins with somebody telling somebody else the plot to The Lost Boys. I think things just got meta! I'll know more when I turn the page!

• The guy telling the story works in a comic book shop in Santa Carla. He's describing the plot of a comic book called The Reign of Frogs (ha ha! A Fortean pun!) and written by the sons of the owner of the comic book shop! It's like they lived through the movie and then made a comic book and now this is the next generation who don't know the vampires are real and not just a stupid story!

• No wait! It's from the same era: fall of 1986! You can tell because John Byrne's Superman #1 is on the shelves and it has a cover date of January 1987! Which means it came out about three to four months before that! You can also tell by the comic book guys upturned collar on his unbuttoned white shirt over another button up shirt and his Vans worn without socks and his dress shorts! Plus the guy being told about the Frog Brothers' book is looking for the new Dark Knight Returns comic book! Although, I mean, I just assumed he meant DKIII at first until I saw the Superman #1 cover and an issue of Watchmen on the shelves, and a copy of Matt Wagner's Demon #1 on the wall!

• I am not a comic book nerd!

• So, you know, this story must take place just after the events of the movie. I should rewatch the movie so I'm all caught up and super knowledgeable about recent events in Santa Carla! Also I just want to see Bill S. Preston, Esquire, staked!

• The clock in San Carla is always ticking! But most of all, he loves San Carla! SAN CARLA HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!

• Anyway, the main character turns out to be Sam. That's probably to be expected seeing as how this comic book is called The Lost Boys. You would expect some continuity, right?

I know I mentioned my ban on reading vampire stories earlier, but I would read two-thirds of those vampire comic books.

• The Dude pops in to ruin Sam's moment with the probably a vampire lady. At least I think it's The Dude! It looks like The Dude! He's all laid back and shit and he smokes in a comic book shop. Every book that smoke touches drops to Very Fine in a heartbeat! Dick.

• Meanwhile Sam's brother Michael works at a retirement home and is still dating Star. I don't remember if she was ever a vampire or just a half-vampire or whatnot. But since the head vampire was killed, everybody probably thinks everything is back to normal. FOR NOW!

• Meanwhile, the Frog Brothers are undergoing training with Sam and Michael's grandfather. He's like an old school chill surfer dude vampire slayer or something. Ed Frog mentions how they killed some vampires in the Emerson house previously, so I think that closes the case on when this takes place. Definitely not too long after the end of the movie.

• Later, Grandpa heads up his monthly meeting of the Santa Carla Hunters Union.

I suppose if I just read comic books without thinking about them, I could have let the comic book point out the timeline here.

• The meeting place is set on fire and as the old timer vampire hunters rush out, they're attacked by a new batch of vampires! Oh no! I thought it had all ended with Max and this comic book series was going to be about rebuilding Santa Carla's reputation as a safe vacation spot! I suppose I'm sort of happy that some vampires attacked. The comic book I was expecting might have been a little dull.

• Sam and the Frog Brothers follow some fire engines to the scene to discover Grandpa dying of a bite. When he collapses, he's got the same scratches on his back as the probably a vampire lady that visited the comic book shop hinting about an underground vampire city! How are Sam and the Frog Brothers going to battle a group of super hot female vampires? I don't think you can stake them with a boner. With one or while having one! Whichever way you interpreted that last sentence!

• The issue ends with possibly David (I mean, can you really stake a vampire with antlers? Seriously!) riffing off the final line of the movie while surrounded by his new gang of vampires. They're all hot chicks because this is the eighties and David probably didn't want to look gay by sucking off a guy.

The Ranking!
+1! It's Tim Seeley! He's a comic book writer you can count on! Unless you love Narration Boxes over explicating the story. Then you'll probably hate this comic book. Also if you're sick of vampires, you might hate this comic book as well. Are vampires ever going to be so last week?

Oh! I bet the scratches on the backs of the vampires and victims are like David's brand! It's probably what his back looks like thanks to the antlers he was impaled on!