Deathstroke #10

This fight probably began because somebody didn't have enough time to explain the situation but they did have enough time for a battle. Or Deathstroke was paid to kill Green Lantern.

Last time in DEATHSTROKE!

A maniac named Lapetus (a fictional character based on the already fictional Titan of Yore named Iapetus (Was "Titan of Yore" too much? Should I scale the pretend nerd back some?)) was ravaging Paradise Island while Superman, Wonder Woman, and Deathstroke had an easily resolved disagreement. I don't mean the disagreement was easily solved! I just meant that it was the kind of disagreement that would normally be easily solved unless the two people disagreeing want to punch first and second and third and fourth and to discuss things rationally only as a last resort. And since the two people with the disagreement were Superman and Deathstroke, a lot of punching and passing the blame around happened before everybody realized they were on the same page about saving the world. That's when Lapetus returned with his Magic Polearm to destroy everything.

Deathstroke reminds the readers through inelegant Narration Boxing how he was beaten by Superman and Wonder Woman. Or was he beaten? Perhaps he was holding back, he postulates. And then he corrects himself and says, "Or maybe the sword was holding back." See? The God-Killer Sword is now the main character of this book. Without it, Deathstork Deathstroke would have already failed this mission several times over. And Deathstroke knows it, too.

Apparently Deathstroke is a thirteen year old boy.

But even though Deathstroke has a fucking awesome sword, he knows he, Superman, and Wonder Woman are going to have a tough time defeating Lapetus because Lapetus has a totally rad spear.

Just in case the "fucking awesome sword" bit hasn't convinced you that Deathstroke's mind was transformed to that of a thirteen year old when his body was transformed into that of a younger man, here's a little more proof.

I'm so fucking pumped now!

I hesitate to even mention this movie because it might cause some people to look it up on Netflix and watch it, but I recently watched Death Race 3: Inferno and I'm dumber than ever. I bring it up because it's filled with characters who are bad-ass motherfuckers who don't back down and always have some rebellious thing to say. Also they can back up all of their tough talk and never get beat by the opposition unless it's the one time in the movie where the bad guy is allowed to get the upper hand so you can see the raging motivation in the protagonist's eyes. I don't understand why that's the kind of character Hollywood thinks everybody wants to see. I suppose they're selling movies to a bunch of emasculated males who feel they have no real power in their daily lives so they need to live vicariously through characters who stand tall and kick ass and never allow anybody to disrespect them ever. One of the reasons Mad Max is such a great character is that he's not the omnipotent hero that people expect from movies like Road Warrior or Beyond Thunderdome or Fury Road. He's vulnerable and constantly getting the shit kicked out of him. But he endures; he survives. And he doesn't just do so by looking out for just himself. He fights for others. Okay, so he doesn't ever go into a situation looking to help other people. He's just trying to get by the best way he knows how. But once he's embroiled in their conflicts, he doesn't abandon them. He helps out even when, by the end of the movie, his situation isn't much improved except that he's free from enemies once more. For a short while, of course.

One of the complaints I've heard about Fury Road is that it doesn't have a story. It absolutely has a story. It has as much story as the previous two Mad Max movies. It's just that the stories aren't really Mad Max's stories. He's always just an NPC in some PC's campaign.

While I'm busy digressing, let me also say this about Death Race 3: Inferno! The movie sets up the story about a guy who becomes Frankenstein after a deadly accident. Now he wears a mask but he still races with his old crew. But he's not allowed to tell them that he's their friend Lucas. Why? I don't know. Business. Or politics. But his anonymity only lasts about ten minutes (I don't actually know how long it lasted. But it doesn't last long) before his crew find out he's their old friend they thought was dead before they all begin the next Death Race. And then they're all angry at him and feel betrayed. I guess because they're a bunch of selfish assholes (just like the characters on Arrow!). So the whole anonymity subplot has no actual story reason and lasts for nearly no time. It's only set up so that Frankenstein and his crew can be enmeshed in instant drama and conflict. As a Writer (with a capital "W"!), I was disgusted by such an amateurish contrivance! The entire movie was written in much the same way! And yet I still watched it until the end because I love it when I'm hating things. Which brings me out of the digression and into a nice segue leading back into Deathstroke!

Superman attacks Lapetus but is blasted back by either the Magic Spear or Lapetus's scathing insult of "alien parasite"!

First off, there was no old plan. Second off, what other battles can you choose from? It's sort of you guys versus Lapetus and that's about it.

The new plan is for Wonder Woman to fuck off and protect the other Amazons whom she didn't care about back when she let Lapetus find his body parts while she dickered with Slade. Superman is going to go stop the erupting volcano which has already pretty much destroyed the entire island anyway. And God-Killer Sword is going to battle Mighty Piercer (that's the name of Lapteus's Magic Polearm. Maybe). That seems like a fair division of labor. Why have the God of War battle the Titan of Mortality, right? Better to have the God-Killer Sword take up that challenge, even if it isn't called the Titan-Killer Sword. I think that's just semantics.

What the fuck? Is there an on/off switch deep inside? I suppose he can freeze breath everything but wouldn't frozen lava expand causing more earthquakes, open chasms, and general destruction? I could be wrong since I'm no geologist. Maybe there are on/off switches inside volcanoes.

Deathstroke and Lapetus have more of that inane pre-battle dialogue which goes something like "Mine is eight inches!" and "Well, mine is almost seven inches but as thick as a Coke can!" Then they pull them out and touch them together. Lapetus calls his "my beloved sister" which is weird, right?

Superman stops up the volcano with a big rock so that takes care of the high amounts of pressure which caused the volcano to blow in the first place, right? He didn't just cure a symptom or anything. Island saved!

I realize Tony S. Daniel got the name of the Titan wrong when he chose to call it Lapetus (unless the Letterer just couldn't read Tony's typewriting) but he gets the incestuous relationship between Iapetus and his sister almost exactly right! Here's some of the stuff Lapetus says: "My beloved sister, you possess this weapon and guide my hand to victory...". Whew! I'm starting to chub up at that language! But wait! That's not all! "To feel the caress of your power...it fills me with everlasting joy." This is some erotic stuff! And it's about to get erotickier!

Their dicks are touching.

Deathstroke, using his keen tactical mind and immense strategic intelligence, begins to realize that something is weird about Lapetus's Mighty Penetrator. There's something in it that really shouldn't be in it according to everything society teaches us about not fucking your sister. And since Lapetus can read Slade's mind, he comments on Slade's thinking as he works through what he's perceiving. Lapetus's big insult is this: "It's amusing. Watching your tiny intellect wrestle with what is so beyond it. Like a termite attempting to read poetry." Yeah, but what poetry? I mean, I figure a termite can probably understand some of Keats' thoughts on the brevity of life but I'm not sure it would have the scope of understanding to immerse itself in the self-made mythology of Yeats which is needed to truly understand most of his work.

Deathstroke realizes that the Mighty Penetrator houses the spirit of Lapetus's sister. Now if Tony S. Daniel has his mythology straightened out better than he has the names of the mythological characters, this might be Slade's chance to appeal to the sense of justice of Lapteus's sister Lhemis. Or Deathstroke will either try to destroy the spear or just resort to name-calling to hurt Lapetus's feelings by saying his weapon is a bitchy slut of a whoring cunt.

Of course he takes that tactic! Too bad Slade didn't say "Sister. Wife. Whore." Because then he would have been three for three!

How would any horrible comic book writer ever make it through a battle scene without using this tactic where the protagonist gets the stronger antagonist off his game by getting him angry? After seeing how well calling a female loved one of Lapetus's a whore worked, Slade doubles down and says she's ugly to boot! Although everybody knows that's not true! When has an ugly woman ever appeared in a comic book?!

Slade uses his God-Killer Sword to slice the Mighty Penetrator in two even though it's not called the Spear-Killer Sword. I guess it's okay since the spear was full of the essence of a Titan. So close enough.

Thanks to getting Lapetus angry, Deathstroke is able to kill him. That's why Deathstroke doesn't care about Rose and What's-His-Name. Because if he truly did instead of just acting like he does, he'd open himself up to somebody else using this blind rage tactic! He'd be mincemeat in no time! He'd probably battle Nightwing and Nightwing would be all, "I met Rose once. She's really a sweet and caring kid when you give her a chance. No way could she actually be your child." And then Slade would be all, "RRRARRRAAAAAGGGHGGHGHH!" Then Nightwing would be all, "I spent a lot of time fighting by the side of Joseph. Never met anybody who cared more about the feelings of other people than that kid. Joseph was great. Again, how is that your kid?" And Slade would be all, "Who is Joseph? What are you talking about?"

With Lapetus dead, everybody celebrates and claim Deathstroke is a hero! National Deathstroke Day becomes celebrated on "Paradise" Island for many years to come! Superman and Wonder Woman do not try to arrest him at all for his work as a hired assassin! I guess he's also killed 939 people now. Or should I include Lhemis the Spear? Yeah, probably! So Slade's kill count is now 940!

After the battle, the Gods have some paperwork left to deal with.

Please don't let Superman and Wonder Woman step in and stop this! Slade must die!

The Gods want one of Slade's children. Or Slade can sacrifice himself. But Slade decides that ripping out his right eye is enough of a sacrifice. He demands the gods "take it or leave it." And then the issue ends with a note about how next month he's going to battle Amanda Waller. So I guess the god's take the deal. Idiots. Hopefully they take the eye and his new youth and maybe his writer as well!

Deathstroke #10 Rating: No change. Deathstroke continues to be a character that only middle school males probably enjoy. The character has nothing to make him likeable accept rebellious brashness and bad-ass motherfuckery. If only he had a dark sense of humor, I could begin to like Slade Wilson again. Maybe give him a hint of vulnerability. Let him realize he isn't always going to come out on top. Let him get his ass handed to him every now and then by an actual hero. I realize this comic book isn't meant for me. But since I began this paragraph saying who it is meant for, everybody else should probably just avoid purchasing it. You should also avoid insulting the comic because middle school males are mean and heartless and not afraid of vitriolic, anonymous attacks.