Twat Lobo #11

I guess Larfleeze is too powerful for Twat Lobo.

Twat Lobo was cancelled just in time! According to Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire himself, DC Comics was going to allow him to ruin another great DC Comics character! Here's what he said on his Tumblr:

The biggest element that will be lost is that we were going to have [Twat] Lobo find out who had put out the "contract" on Czarnia. We'll see some of that, but not much. Originally, I had a long arc where a New 52 version of [Twat] Hitman (Tommy Monaghan) would have shown up and the two would gone [sic] after "the dark forces working against the assassins behind the scenes" together.

Holy shit am I glad Twat Lobo was cancelled before that happened! Hitman does not belong in space. "Dark forces" aren't really dark forces if they're working against assassins. They're just other people in the business of being jerks! Or they're, you know, good guys! I can't imagine DC could find somebody less subtle than Cullen Bunn to write Hitman. He'd probably turn him into another bad-ass spouting bad-ass insults while accomplishing bad-ass feats. Tommy would lose any hint of maudlin or melancholy or his desperate hope for something better for the people he loves while knowing he's destined for hell and bad times no matter what. I think if Cullen Bunn had been allowed to write Hitman, I would finally have realized it's simply time to stop reading comic books. I put up with Nocenti writing Katana and Klarion. I'm putting up with Bunn writing Lobo. I put up with Lobdell writing Superman. I think Cullen Bunn writing Hitman would finally have broken me. I'm just so fucking tired of poor editorial decisions and higher ups at DC Comics not giving a shit about talent.

Although horrible books are fun to trash! That's the segue into this month's Twat Lobo!

Twat Lobo has followed Bleez back to the Red Lanterns' new home. It's a ship orbiting Ysmault. I don't know when Atrocitus took back his home. I don't know when Bleeze once again became pals with Atrocitus. I don't know why aliens come to Ysmault to get their ring when most rings just fly around the universe, land on a finger, and bring the aliens back to base. I don't know who the Rage Mother is and why she needs to hold the main power battery. What I do know is that Twat Lobo is going to kill most of the Red Lanterns and destroy the main power battery for Sinestro. Because Twat Lobo is a huge tool of the man!

I think the font is supposed to make this scary.

Twat Lobo is the greatest killer in the universe so I'm not worried about how this battle is going to go. I think I am supposed to have a raging boner prepped and ready for a ten page long gorefest of a battle! Where's my Rage Viagra?!

Before the battle really even begins, Cullen Bunn takes out his own personal feelings on a character and gains even more of my enmity than I was already allowing him.

Fuck you, Bunn. Look at the big man killing the kitty cat! What an amazing piece of writing. You piece of shit.

Hey! Guess who the vile disgusting editor of this kitty murder scene is? Yep! Sexaul Harassment Expert Eddie Berganza! What other lousy editor would give the go-ahead for killing Dex-Starr? I wonder if he's got Krypto in his sights next? Jesus Christ, I wish that Cullen Bunn would sign an exclusivity contract with Marvel. He can't get away from DC's characters fast enough.

Twat Lobo makes sure to Narration Box "These guys are hardcore" and "Let's hope I can handle it" so that the reader derives some fake tension from the battle. I guess this is finally going to be an actually tough fight for Twat Lobo! I hope he survives! No wait. I hope he doesn't survive.

Atrocitus has Twat Lobo on the ropes, drooling blood all over Twat Lobo's face! It looks like he's going to defeat Twat Lobo! He even says something about wondering if Twat Lobo can endure his wrath or something. The important thing is that you read and remembered he used the word "endure" so that a page later, you'll understand Twat Lobo's terrific and not overused by hack writers comeback line.

Get it? Atrocitus said endure and now Twat Lobo is turning it around on him by repeating it and adding "this" to the end!

Twat Lobo escapes so that his face can heal. It shouldn't heal too much though because, for some reason, Rocha is drawing him a lot more like Real Deal Lobo this issue. Maybe all this Lantern work is aging him and he'll soon look just like the version of himself who will travel back in time to be killed by his younger self in Twat Lobo #1! I bet Real Deal Lobo (who is just, in my theory, an older version of Twat Lobo) is the one who put the hit on Czarnia after coming back from the future where he was married to Tommy Monaghan and living with a bunch of space dolphins.

Twat Lobo manages to set up some traps because he escaped so far ahead of the Red Lanterns. He's like Dick Dastardly in a Wacky Race! Except more psychotic and actually willing to kill everybody in the Arkansas Chugabug and the Anthill Mob. It's super exciting! After Twat Lobo gets away, there's a page where he says, "I know! I'll make some traps with all of these Inquisitional Torture Devices I just stumbled across!" Then there's a page where one of the Red Lanterns says, "What's this!" Atrocitus says, "No! I sense you are about to explode all over the page for the benefit of all the rage boners enjoying this comic book!" And that's what happens! Then the next page, Twat Lobo is saying, "Ha ha! Suckers! Now I can rest some more and have a masturbation fantasy!"

I hope a surprise appearance by a naked lady didn't confuse all of those rage boners!

I get it. People like bad comic books for various reasons. I think the biggest reason is that they simply ignore every idiotic thing that happens because they're simply in love with the character or because they once met Cullen Bunn at a con and now they feel a bond and need to like his work. I don't like it. He makes stupid mistakes because he's not paying attention to the things he's previously written just a few pages ago. Like in the previous issue where Twat Lobo claims he did research on the Indigo Lanterns and then is surprised by their ability to teleport. Let me walk you through just some technical shit that turns me off from this poorly written issue. We'll begin with Twat Lobo having just killed another Red Lantern.

Here we see Twat Lobo declare that he's gotta keep his distance. He also feels bad for them because they'll never see him coming. See, he controls his rage while they are puppets of their own rage. Advantage: Twat Lobo!

Whoops! Twat Lobo underestimates Atrocitus and doesn't see him coming! Advantage: Atrocitus.

So far, so good. Twat Lobo knows he must keep his distance and he's learned that maybe Atrocitus isn't as dumb and clumsy and rampagy as he thought. Twat Lobo is no Midnighter! So now Twat Lobo knows he must keep his distance, right?!

Okay, so Atrocitus was right on top of him and then in the next panel, Twat Lobo has extended the space between them. Great job, Twat Lobo! You've got a gun and everything! You can remain at that distance and finish him off!

It looks like Twat Lobo's plan is coming together! Now let's take a look at the next panel!

What the holy fuck are you fucking doing, Twat Lobo?! You had one clear strategy! KEEP YOUR FUCKING DISTANCE!

This entire sequence would be fine if the panel showing Twat Lobo far away from Atrocitus (and, by the way, don't make him charging Atrocitus in that panel when he has long range weapons and the distance he needs) was just expunged from the scene. Just have Atrocitus break through the wall and bite Twat Lobo. No need for a "Big guy got the jump on me again" Narration Box because this is a fucking comic book and the reader sort of already saw that in the visuals. And no need for a "dammit, got too close" Narration Box either because the whole "got the jump on" thing sort of takes precedence. The whole thing comes across as amateurish. And I didn't even bother with the two panels that follow, the first of which shows Twat Lobo punching Atrocitus in the chin and yelling, "Get off!" And then the second one shows Twat Lobo six feet away and charging Atrocitus. Nice spatial work, guys! I can't complain enough about this scene! Plus I'm still angry at Dex-Starr's death.

Just to be clear: the previous complaint wasn't all just about Cullen Bunn. It's also about Frank Barbiere, Robson Rocha, Mike Cotton, and Eddie Berganza.

Twat Lobo manages to stab Atrocitus in the heart and then shoot him into paste.

Zing!

After Twat Lobo destroys Atrocitus, he finds that the Red Lantern Power Battery has disappeared. His entire goal was to destroy it so what does The Code say? It says he can shrug and go back to Sinestro having not finished the job, apparently.

The issue ends with the Rage Mother vomiting up all of the Red Lanterns that Twat Lobo killed, including Dex-Starr and Atrocitus. Well, I guess Cullen Bunn didn't get the go ahead to kill the characters. So this bullshit ending had to be tacked on which means that nothing actually happened during this issue. Great. Can I have my money back then?

Twat Lobo #11 Rating: -5 Ranking. Fuck you, Cullen Bunn. Fuck you, Robson Rocha. Fuck you, Mike Cotton. Fuck you five times or more, Eddie Berganza. The only person I'm leaving off the hook for this toxic waste dump of an issue is Ruy Jose because he just traced the bullshit that came out of Rocha's pencils. At least Cullen Bunn finally got me to feel something for one of his issues. I was fucking pissed that he killed Dex-Starr. But you know what? I'm pissed even more by the ending that erased the entire fucking issue! My guess is Cullen Bunn turned in the issue and Mike or Eddie was all, "You can't kill Dex-Starr and Atrocitus after all. I know we discussed it and even jerked each other off while planning it but I just got a memo that we can't do it." So Cullen picked up a Post-It Note and scribbled the ending where a new character named Rage Mother vomits everybody back into existence. Bam! Send it to the printer! I might be wrong. But if I am? It's even fucking worse if this was the plan from the start! This issue was an insult to comic book fans. Luckily not many comic book fans were probably insulted by it because who is actually purchasing and reading this shit, amirite?!