Telos #1

Will somebody tell me why I bought this shit?

I guarantee that by the time I'm done reading this comic book, I'm going to hate myself for having thrown away three dollars. I'm still upset that I didn't just spend two months taking time off from reading comic books during Convergence. Now I'm going to torture myself by reading about this uninteresting prick who pretty much did bugger all throughout that series? Who the fuck was curious about what happened to this guy? Who are the asshole fans that were clamoring for more Telos? No seriously. Tell me. I could use some practice slapping people in the face.

The issue begins with Telos angry at Brainiac. That's because Brainiac used him and probably destroyed his planet and probably killed his family. Although I suspect that Telos probably killed his family and Brainiac gave him a boon of forgetfulness. That's the kind of cool thing Brainiac does for people, right? I mean, as long as they can be turned into immortal slaves forced to do all of his bidding, of course.

Telos attacks Brainiac looking for the truth. But he probably doesn't want to know the truth! That's why he's forgotten it! How many times has this story been written where somebody has their memory wiped because they don't want to know what they've done but then they realize that their memory has been wiped and they try to discover the truth and then when they discover the truth they say, "Oh yeah! That's why I wiped my memory!" I know it was done at least once in Red Dwarf. And I think that's happening with Noah Bennett's character in Heroes Reborn right now. It happened to Jason Todd in Red Hood and the Outlaws around issue twenty or so. And I'm pretty sure there were some examples in famous plays as well. And possibly some music videos by The Police! Telos isn't familiar with any of those things although he's familiar with the story of Odysseus which might have some memory loss parts in it. But I think the main reason he's thinking about Odysseus is because he's trying to get back to his family after being away for years.

Telos seems to be getting the better of Brainiac when the scene shifts to the capital of Colu where Computo is hanging out with Validus. Maybe they're supposed to make this comic book interesting.

Ooh! Exciting!

Telos wants to know the location of his family but--surprise!--Brainiac doesn't remember where they are! Oh no! Does that mean Telos will have to go through some sort of long, drawn out adventure to discover the information? And then he'll have to go on a long, drawn out adventure trying to find them! And then he'll go on a long, drawn out adventure trying to prove to them that he's who he says he is! No wait! I forgot this comic book will be cancelled long before most of that crap happens.

The plan is for Telos to steal Brainiac's backup data disk which is hidden deep inside of Colu. That means he has to beat the shit out of Computo and Validus, meet up with the rebels led by Techne, avoid the trap Brainiac is sending him into, hack the system, do some other things that I probably missed while skimming the boring dialogue, and then he'll know where his family is! Easy peasy!

Telos #1 Rating: I'll begin this at Ranking #43. This comic book commits the ultimate sin. No, not nuclear war. It's simply uninteresting. If I wanted to experience an alternate version of The Odyssey, I'd rewatch Oh Brother Where Art Thou? because at least that had interesting music and visuals. This is just Telos beating up Brainiac and then accepting Brainiac's word when Brainiac has never been trustworthy in any moment during the entire history of every universe in the infinite DC multiverse. Telos is a chowderhead and I don't recommend this comic book to anybody. Please let it die by Issue #6.