That's a gay sex act, right?
This issue begins with some old guys teasing Midnighter's boyrfriend because they have a death wish, I guess. They do know who Midnighter is, right? And how he has a serious lack of clearly defined borders? His ethics are like a Risk gameboard if three dozen hobos just shit all over it. Was that analogy clear?
How old is Steve Orlando?! He does know you can't jog in a Discman, right? Those things fucking sucked. They were pretty much for long car trips or people in wheelchairs. Slow moving wheelchairs!
After jogging and having brunch with his friends, Matt gives Midnighter a call to check in with him. Midnighter is busy beating up super powered thugs with Dick Grayson and Matt doesn't get jealous because it's not a video chat. Midnighter says, "It's going very Russian. I beat someone with a birch branch." That sentence alone makes this comic book better than 75% of all super hero comic books currently being published.
I was going to be irrationally angry while writing this commentary because I'm still coming down from the state of ragephoria induced by Twat Lobo. But these first two pages of Midnighter have mellowed out my emotions and now I'm quite pleased that I didn't quit reading comic books completely a few hours ago.
The man Midnighter is hunting, Russian-First-Name Long-Impossible-to-Spell-or-Pronounce-Russian-Last-Name, is busy building an army of monsters out of Martian DNA. But he still wants more monsters!
He wants a monster that is a strategic genius and a monster with an ass that doesn't quit or take time off for holidays.
At the trap which is disguised as a Metro station, Midnighter handcuffs himself to Dick which is less gay than it sounds. I think. I guess it depends on what they do once they board the subway.
Dick and Midnighter battle a host of monsters from folklore minus Baba Yaga and her hut. Maybe she'll appear in the final round. Although the final round before meeting with Long-Impossible-to-Spell-or-Pronounce-Russian-Last-Name seems to be the reason for Midnighter handcuffing himself to Dick. It's to create a human atlatl to pierce the skull of a giant Wolfman. The first thing I think of every time I read the word "atlatl" is not the weapon but the salamander that is actually an "axolotl". It's proof that neural pathways are fucking garbage. And if you thought it was the Berenstein Bears, it's not proof of an alternate universe. It's proof that the brain is by no means an infallible piece of organic machinery as well as proof that most people would rather believe a stupid ass science fiction theory than believe that their brain is no better than poorly made vanilla pudding.
Although let's face it. How bad do you have to fuck up to make gross vanilla pudding? That shit is delicious.
Anyway, Dick and Midnighter finally face off against Akyakyevichyavechyasomething.
And do you think Midnighter hasn't already accounted for your defense? So naive!
Midnighter's plan was to get telekinetically thrown through the roof on a trajectory that would smash Akya--Jesus Christ, let me finally grab his real name-- Noi Akakyevich's Door Jamming Satellite Dish. Unless it's a Dish from DISH Network and then he only had to cause a slight breeze as he went past it to knock it offline. Whatever the case, Midnighter can now use his Door technology to beat the crap out of Noi! Grayson thinks he keeps Midnighter from killing Noi but really Midnighter sets it up so his weapon shatters when Dick blocks it and a piece of shrapnel lodges in Noi's spine. He really is the Harvest of the good guys, isn't he? I suppose I can accept it because his ability to see every possibility in a fight has been repeated thousands of times over the years. How can I argue with constant repetition?!
Also, it turns out Noi wasn't the guy who stole the God Garden tech. Once again, he's just another middle man. The quest continues!
The issue ends with Midnighter cuddled up on the couch eating Thanksgiving dinner while Multiplex hovers outside the window with a gun trained on the back of Matt and Midnighter's heads. Whoops! Just to be clear, that "whoops" is for Multiplex for doing something so stupid!
Midnighter #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. The title of this issue was "Полуночник" which means Nightwing or something (unless it just means Midnighter again because that seems to be the only title this comic book ever gets). Dick Grayson didn't really get to shine in this issue since he was just kind of along for the handcuffed ride. Midnighter didn't need him but I think he enjoyed having him along if only to add new parameters to the battle. It may have also been kinky enough to fuel his sex with Matt when he returned to Oakland. The battling folklore monsters takes a backseat to the real highlight of this issue: the conversations between Midnighter and Dick. This comic book might be about the most insanely violent "good guy" in DC Comics but the gore and the violence isn't at all where this book shines. I want to ask why more comic books don't spend more time on well written conversation that rings true to the characters but I already know the answer to that: it's time consuming and difficult. Easier to just have your stupid twat character say stuff like "Next life, try having tougher skin!" Lick my asshole, Cullen Bunn. I mean if you wouldn't enjoy it! I'll probably enjoy it either way.
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