Justice League of America #4

Least imaginative Monsters of the Month cover yet.

The issue begins with Superman delivering a sample of his own DNA to Cyborg. Why? Can Cyborg just gargle it to find out if it has any abnormalities? I suppose somebody besides Lex Luthor or Sam Lane has run tests on Superman's blood before this or what is Cyborg supposed to determine? I guess it's kind of a control for when they somehow get their mouths on Rao's DNA to see if Rao is a Kryptonian. Although if he's a god, does he even have DNA? Aren't gods just made out of whispers and fear?

Victor and his father Silas are currently working on a project for Batman and Superman knows better than to ask about it. But Silas is all too willing to take a break to test Superman's DNA.

He is way too into Superman's DNA.

Rao is converting the world because they're all gullible douches. Just because somebody is not only offering a world free of poverty, sickness, disease, and strife but is actually delivering it is no reason to believe in his religion. Maybe some people like having diarrhea on occasion! What if he healed my psoriasis and I'm no longer able to experience the ecstasy of pulling a long piece of flaky skin from my scalp?! I'd hate him! What if suddenly nobody was gay and then we'd all have to admit that being gay really was a malady just like the Republicans always said in their secret meetings! I don't think this guy should be trusted because I'm an intelligent, free-thinker! Also I know I'm reading a comic book and anything that's too good to be true is a super villain.

Batman agrees with me so he's running tests on one of Rao's converted who used to be a criminal. Batman's sure he'll find some kind of physiological change in the man's brain or DNA. Then he can break out his "I told you so" speech all over Superman's stupid trusting ass once again.

Meanwhile 250,000 years in the past and on Krypton, Green Lantern is about to meet an earlier version of Rao. Unless he's omnipresent and then he's just meeting the same Rao that everybody meets any time anybody meets Rao.

At least his beard seems to be omnipresent.

Old Man Rao guilts Green Lantern into trying to help stop the Kryptonian civil war. Some new upstart warlord has come to Krypton and is turning its people against each other. Since Old Man Rao doesn't seem to have any powers at all, he needs Green Lantern's help to bring peace or end the war by beating the crap out of the upstart warlord. Hal Jordan doesn't ask any questions. He just assumes if this old man says he's seeking peace than the old man must be the good guy in the conflict. That seems about the right amount of research and interest Hal Jordan usually spends on a problem.

Batman's interest and research lead him to the conclusion that Rao is rewriting human DNA by blessing them. Does that mean you can become a mutant by becoming a follower of Rao? I've changed my mind! I'm in!

You snatch more bodies with honey than you do by pointing and screaming at the top of your lungs.

Aquaman and Mera are busy relaxing at home trying to ignore all the religious hoopla and wondering where their damn dog ran off to. As they see some of the prophets blessing people, Mera begins to question Arthur's decision to let one of those missionaries run loose in Atlantis. I told you that was a bad idea, Arthur! Even if you thought your subjects were too smart to fall for the ravings of a missionary, you still should have forbid him access to them if only to keep the Atlanteans from being annoyed by him. Missionaries are the worst. Nothing is more despicable than a person destroying another culture while believing they're acting righteously.

Oops! I made a mistake! Last paragraph, I said, "Missionaries are the worst." I would like to apologize for that mistake. Missionaries are the second worst! Journalists are the worst!

The results come back from Superman's blood and it contains the same markers that have appeared on newly blessed human DNA. But Superman's markers have been there since birth. He was born programmed to believe in Rao, to trust, to be, generally, happier than humans. I guess it's up to Hal Jordan to figure out how these markers first came to be and the ultimate price to be paid for them.

There it is! Everybody becomes willing batteries to extend Rao's life! And I bet this transfer of energy eventually (after 250,028 years) destroys the planet on which it's obtained! Earth is doomed! In, like, you know...a long time from now. Just like all those dead Superman's planets from other dimensions from Issue One!

Batman is attacked in the MRI room by one of the prophets of Rao. The doctor that helped him with the DNA tests zaps the Rao Follower they were running tests on with a defibrillator and he seems to come to his senses a bit. Batman steals the prophet's staff and makes a break for it. During the battle, Superman discovers Rao and a bunch of his prophets have infiltrated the Fortress of Solitude because they don't have any respect for naming conventions. It isn't the Fortress of Hosting Unexpected Parties, you douchemonsters. Rao tells Superman that he's a dick and that he's ruined everything.

Justice League of America #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Free will is overrated. Just ask everybody in the military! Life is so much easier when you have somebody else telling you how to live. Making choices is difficult. Why can't Batman just let go of his individuality and allow everybody on Earth to feel good? Why does Batman get to make the choice for everybody else?! Although I suppose it really isn't much of a choice when you can't decide you'd like to go back to how you were after trying out being blessed. Aquaman has the right idea. He's just acting disdainful which is the best way to act in the face of zealots. People call me arrogant for telling them that I don't need the thing they desperately can't live without but who hasn't called me arrogant every day of my life in nearly every social interaction anyway?! Recently my cousin's wife posted this on Facebook: "I am not a Christian because I am strong and have it all together. I am Christian because I am weak and admit I need a Savior." I totally agree! So why is it arrogant to say I am strong and have it all together so I don't need Christ?! I mean, I don't necessarily have it all together. But I'm strong! And I don't need a Savior! Although sometimes I need another hero. And most of the time I need Oreos. Masturbation also helps get me through the rough patches. But Christ?! Pshaw!