Bat-mite #5

Are they going to battle Generic Spider Person?

Can I pretend that I'm not reading a comic book where Bat-mite makes over the Inferior Five and instead goes on a blind date with Infectious Lass? I suppose it's more important that the Inferior Five get a make over because one of their characters is a dumb blonde woman named Dumb Bunny. That's totally hilarious if you've gotten into a time machine and went back in time to like three years ago and said, "Dumb Bunny is a blonde woman!" Then everybody laughs and laughs because they get the joke about how women are dumb. But since then, through liberal applications of science, faith, and television sitcoms, we've learned that occasionally men can be as dumb as women! So why isn't Dumb Bunny a man, hunh?!

I have a friend named Doom Bunny whom I call Dumb Bunny all of the time! He's not blonde or a woman or a bunny but it's still funny to call him Dumb Bunny. He sputters and acts indignant! As if he could even spell indignant! Then he pouts and goes back to reading The Cave of Time by Edward Packard. He swears he's going to get a good ending some day so he can move on to Journey Under the Sea by R.A. Montgomery.

Um, anyway! Back to the Dumb Bunny being a woman controversy that I'm making up right now. I'm happy the internet came around to explain to everybody how women and men are equal. It's hard to believe I spent my entire life thinking otherwise. Thank you, young people on the internet, for Youthsplaining things to me so that I could stop being a totally ignorant old person. Now I'm just a mostly ignorant old person. Finding out that women are as capable as men makes me wonder what else I believe which young people have yet to shrilly tell me is wrong? Can you imagine if the next thing they came up with was that the sun doesn't revolve around the Earth or that Mexicans aren't hardworking and family oriented?

Discounting my ego, my intense delusional paranoia, and my inherent bias that I'm the greatest comic book critic on the internet, that chalkboard is totally a secret message to me.

Bat-mite is fueling up because he plans to help the Inferior Five battle Gridlock's henchmen, the Grave Robbers! Each member of the Inferior Five are introduced on Page Two with the exact same wording as when they were introduced on the cover of Showcase #62 when they made their debut. Well, almost exactly.

Like, duh! Controversy averted!

I guess the joke is that she's a bunny and she's tough! Like how Doom Bunny is a bunny that brings doom. Totally ridiculous, right?! Ha ha! It's so unimaginable! A tough bunny! Who may or may not also be stupid. But that part of her character isn't tied to the fact that she's a woman or that she's blonde! Some people just aren't smart! And occasionally it's going to be a woman who isn't smart! Not often though because nobody wants to be Youthsplained to about punching in the right direction. I make sure when I punch women, I only punch women who are definitely taller than myself and are not wearing heels.

Bat-mite first has to finish his Sugaraccino before saving the day. Weed says, "I can't tie my shoes without my morning cup o' joe." Excuse me? A Sugaraccino is in no way coffee. It is sugar and more sugar with hints of some kind of coffee beverage hidden within the mix. Let's not pretend that people who drink Sugaraccinos are coffee fanatics. They are sugar fanatics, plain and simple. Coffee comes in a tiny cardboard or Styrofoam cup and is the color of that crayon that has "black" written on the label. It is bitter and too hot to drink. It does not have foam on it. It does not have sugar in it. It does not have anything that came out of a cow in it. If you're still confused as to what coffee actually is, visit a local church on any night that isn't Sunday or a holiday mass. If you see a bunch of people outside smoking cigarettes, go inside and drink some of the coffee they'll have for free on a table at the back of the room where some guy is talking about the time he drove backwards down the freeway while masturbating into a Jack in the Box bag and how in the morning, he couldn't remember if he'd eaten his food before or after the incident.

Ha ha! She's so du...I mean tough!

The Inferior Five continue to accidentally win the battle. They're incompetent but in a way that's so totally random and not sexist that the Grave Robbers can't figure out how to stop them. The Grave Robbers just stand around making comments about how much the Inferior Five suck while the Inferior Five slowly take them out.

Gridlock sends a humongous toy robot to help his henchmen escape. It also makes off with a priceless artifact that was probably valuable in 1986 and now it only appears on VH-1 rehab shows.

"The TV and Film Museum" is another way to say "VH-1."

Bat-mite decides to help after Tough Bunny acts really fucking tough. I mean dumb. And how is Bat-mite going to help? By transforming them into The Superior Six! I guess turning a bunch of parody heroes into real heroes is some kind of meta-parody? Or something?

Gridlock is going to be super pissed about this because he hates change!

Gridlock is so happy to be able to experience the Galaxy Trek pilot that he's forgiven Booster Gold for stealing all of his things. I wouldn't be so quick to forgive him. At the very least, I'd file a police report on Booster Gold. Just because you're a super hero it doesn't mean you have the right to take a super villain's possessions. He's just a vigilante acting outside of the law which means now Booster Gold is a vigilante and a thief. I bet he loses a bunch of endorsements.

Yeah Bat-mite! That's totally your fault! Like when somebody ruins their own life by stepping on somebody's toe and not apologizing so the toe-stepped-on person ruins the toe-stepper's life. Totally on the toe-stepper.

The Superior Six are huge dicks who love violence now, so Dumb Tough Bunny pleads with Bat-mite to return them to normal after Gridlock escapes with the pilot. Bat-mite realizes that parodies of old timey superheroes are more interesting than parodies of nineties grim and gritty heroes since they really just became parodies of themselves after about six months. And so the issue ends with Bat-mite realizing he only has one issue left to stop Gridlock. But will he have enough time?! The Shadowy Overlords of his home dimension have decided that he needs to be extracted from Earth before he makes over everybody!

Batmite #5 Rating: No change. Out before somebody Youthsplains to me how dumb is an ableist word!