Batgirl #44

Sploosh.

Dear Diary,
I have so much to tell you that I'm holding in a mega-pee so that I can write this bit before I run off to write the rest of the entry on the toilet because that's how long it's going to take to release all of the pee I'm holding. And the farts. So many farts. But you'll understand why all of the blocked up farts when I finish this. So. Many. Many. Farts.

So remember last entry how I fought a tiger because I'm the baddest-ass bitch in Gotham? Remember how I kicked it's ass but not too hard because it was adorable and I didn't want to hurt it. I bet Batman would have hurt it because Batman is a Bat-asshole. So those tigers were like a total clue in The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. I was all, "A-ha! It was the Tiger who ate the people!" At that point, some detectives would have been all, "Where is my big red 'Case Solved' stamp because this case has been solved?" Then they would have locked up the tiger and went back to eating danishes and lecturing their daughters and trying to bang Batwoman and embarrassing themselves in front of Catwoman. I think that references all of the police in Gotham that are not also working for God. But not this girl with the super fine and tight ass! I don't mean tight butthole although that's probably pretty tight too although how tight can it be when I've actually clogged a Las Vegas hotel toilet with just my poo? I mean, those things must be made to flush dismembered bodies and I blocked one up with just the poo that came out of my petite little butthole! If a guy put his penis in my butthole, would he even feel anything?! Now I'm worried about what Lucas Fox will think of me when we totally do anal later and he'll be all, "Am I in? I don't think I'm in. Is it possible I just stuck my penis in a wind tunnel?!"

Hey Diary? What base is anal anyway? Is that an inside the park homerun? I want to know how to slyly refer to getting anal from Luke when I tell Alysia and Frankie all about it. But not Dinah! I'm never telling that big whore any secrets anymore ever! She was totally supposed to send me a Black Canary t-shirt like two weeks ago and here I am still shirtless and unhip. How is everybody going to know that I was like the first huge fan of Black Canary if I don't even have one of their original shirts with the sleeves and neck cut off?!

AnySwayze, Diary, I should probably tell you what happened. It all started when Alysia called me and was all, "GBG! My fiance has totally disappeared and I don't know the phone number for the police! I know your father is like some police guy so you probably know the number. Can you call it after you've called the bakery to make sure the wedding cake is ready?" And I was all, "No problem! Batgirl to the rescue!" And Alysia was all, "Oh! Yeah, that's a great idea! Can you get Batman instead though!?" And I was all, "How dare you!" And then I went to find Jo because Jo's disappearance was linked to The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People! A case that was just about to be solved!

Where's my big red "Case Solved" stamp because this case has been solved!

The Velvet Tiger had kidnapped Jo and sent the tigers out to eat people! It was obvious by the length of her skirt and the cum stains around her mouth that she was a villain and the girlfriend of Jeremy! She was also way hotter than me. What is up with every woman in this city being sexier than I am?! No wonder I'm still a virgin. I need to move to Metropolis!

Look at that?! How is my toilet-clogging-poo launching butthole supposed to compete with that?! I want to stick my tongue in that and I'm a huge hetero!

So Velvet Tiger escaped under mysterious circumstances that had nothing to do with anybody's incompetence at all. That meant it was time to sneak into Fox Tek to see if Luke was maybe showering or something. Hopefully something which involved his dick being out, like looking at porn or eating a sandwich. Instead I ran into Qadir who had recently received a package clearing his name in The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. The return address was Delphi which meant it was from Frankie since it referenced the name she's apparently decided upon but nobody has yet voiced. Why is everybody so afraid to say we should call Frankie "Oracle"?! What is wrong with us?! It's so contrived it makes me wonder if my own existence isn't just some fantasy world cooked up by some goofball hipster and his sexy old artist named Babs who would probably totally want to kiss all over the fictional blogger who critiques their fantasy publication.

Okay, so the next part is where Qadir and Luke don't fight over me and I don't say, "Hey guys! No problem! Plenty of orifices to go around!" Instead it's just the part where they prove that Jeremy's girlfriend is The Velvet Tiger and I was all, "Pshaw! Way ahead of you! Now watch me run from the room and tell me if I do it as well as The Velvet Tiger, guys!"

Dammit! That ass is cute and all but I don't think any tongues are putting on their helmet lamps.

This part makes my vagina sad, Diary, so I hope you can manage the proper somber tone while I tell it to you. Jeremy helped The Velvet Tiger with information that enabled her to pull off The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. So that's one probably too old for me but I would have accepted it anyway penis out of the running for making me a woman. I wouldn't mind having sex with a guy ten years older than me but not with a criminal! Who does Jeremy think I am? Batman?! I don't need a sexy nemesis ruining my vagina's good reputation!

AnySwayze, I found out where The Velvet Tiger's lair was and ran off to save the day. Of course Alysia was waiting outside the residence because she'd tracked Jo down as well. Is everybody in Gotham the World's Greatest Detective?! How are they all beating me to all the punches?! No wonder I can't get laid! Just like Batgirl, my vadge is late to all the fruitcake parties! I told Alysia to wait in the car because I'd be so embarrassed if she was also a better super hero than I was! Then I took a page out of Batman's Manual of Entering Buildings The Wayne Window and Door Repair Way while saying the most awesome and hilarious line you've ever heard anybody say outside of a Spider-man comic book!

My line was totally more cutting and witty than this but I just can't remember it verbatim! I'm pretty sure I also said "slut" a lot more in the original line.

But that line doesn't matter anyway because I totally kicked that bitch's ass. Also Alysia snuck in to save Jo while I was fighting which was totally okay by me because I got to give her a Big Manga Wink like I love to do! Usually I say it after I say something kind of dirty and don't actually do the wink. I usually say something like, "Oh Luke! Your meat is so hard and savory. Big Manga Wink!" Also Luke probably just said something romantic like, "Babs, munching your vadge is like gargling distilled water infused with saffron!"

Dear Diary, I am not going to tell you about the part where I said "Bring it" because I'm super embarrassed about it and I'm lying about it happening and it never happened in any timeline ever. Period. Shut up.

Also maybe I was fudging the truth about kicking Velvet Tiger's ass. She kind of stuck me with tranquilizer dart I'd already stuck in one of the tigers which made me sleepy and now I probably have Tiger AIDS. But she was all, "Now that you are nearly unconscious and unable to fight in much the way I'm unable to fight even when fully conscious, I will kill and eat you like Cunty McSlutbitch the Third!" She totally said that.

Two cleavers! And I thought my butthole was big!

So just before I died, my Batgirl Cycle (the motor bike! Not the menstruation!) crashed through the window, knocked out Velvet Tiger, and saved my life! The police cleaned up the mess over danishes and worrying about their daughter and fantasizing about Batwoman and I went on to the part of the story that made me hold my pee and farts in for like hours.

Oh my goodness! Who knew the vagina could make so much moisture?!

At least now I know there will be one heterosexual dude at the wedding! Look out, cherry! Here comes Luke's penis!

Batgirl #44 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you don't like Batgirl, you're probably uptight or something. You're probably the kind of person I could call on the phone when I'm about to barbecue some kebabs and say, "Hey! I need some sticks! Bring your ass over here!" Also I probably shouldn't review comic books by insulting people who don't really like a comic book for probably not very legitimate reasons but reasons nonetheless. I should probably say nice things like, "I know you didn't like the comic and that you're really smart and totally wicked good in the sack but maybe you should try reading Batgirl again, you stupid idiot." That's probably a pretty good blurb for the trade paperback! Hey DC Comics? Are you ever going to use one of my blurbs?! They're the best you're ever going to get! None of that boring Comic Book Resources shit where they say things like "It's a comic book that I read!" when they have to review a terrible book by Scott Lobdell.