Catwoman #45

I bet my collection of Catwoman comics has more variant covers than regular covers.

Frank Tieri's name still isn't on the cover so don't take this issue for granted, jerkos! Pretty soon, Frank Tieri will be turning in a script with Catwoman getting caught stealing a huge diamond by Batman and Catwoman will be all, "You're so gay!" And Batman is going to be all, "Am not! You're gay!" And Catwoman will be all, "Make sure you realize when I call you gay that it isn't a fact or a compliment! It's my attempt to dehumanize and humiliate you by pointing out that you're a homosexual because it is embarrassing and bad to be a homosexual!" And Batman will be all, "Eww! I'll get you, Catwoman!" And Catwoman will be all, "No you will not because you are gay and my ass is not a man ass but a hot female ass that does not turn you on at all. Because you are gay." Then the editors at DC Comics will read Frank Tieri's script and say, "Good job, Frank. This is not offensive at all. For once the internet will not be angry at a comic book we publish! Just make sure the colorist does not accidentally make any black people white. Hoo boy, did we take it in the ass on mistakes like that the way a gay person would take it in the ass from another gay person."

Sure, you wince now and think, "Jesus Christ, Tess! That's ridiculous!" But soon you will read the first Frank Tieri Catwoman issue and you will remember this and you will think, "Holy fuck! Tess really is a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and not an offensive prick for no reason like I totally believed and still kind of believe since I believed it once and why would I ever doubt what I believed even if the truth stared me in the face and asked me to fuck it in its mouth?"

Now I can't wait for Frank Tieri to start writing this book! Hurry up and run out of old epistles, Genevieve!

I really hope Genevieve got the go-ahead to kill Roman Sionis.

After the funeral, Eiko burns her Catwoman suit because she was not very good at being Catwoman. She was pretty good at getting shot and falling off of a building and being saved by Killer Croc. But she was terrible at stealing diamonds and fucking Batman.

Catwoman visits Eiko to make sure she's okay. Eiko isn't too keen on Selina anymore so nobody kisses anybody in that way that my male gaze definitely wants them to kiss. Instead Eiko points out that she's going to destroy the Black Mask. But Selina is worried that if Eiko does that, she'll be the next big target of all the gangs. I guess that means Catwoman is going to have to kill Black Mask! Preferably with an umbrella so she can blame it on The Penguin.

Antonia cements her alliance with The Penguin even without cutting off Selina's head. I guess that's important? I'll just add it to the pile of machinations and double dealings that I'm not really following very well. I guess anybody allied against Black Hand is a good thing. Hell, with Eiko after him, I'm not sure any clans are left who are supporting Black Hand.

Black Hand sending thugs to beat up kids in an after school program doesn't make a lot of sense but it does allow for a Bruce Wayne cameo.

Black Hand goes to see The Penguin to shore up his territory and The Penguin tells Black Mask to hide in his escape tunnel while he gets the Forster Lane Gangs in line. Once Black Mask enters the tunnel, The Penguin locks him in with Catwoman. Yay! Although Roman didn't say, "Et tu, Oswald?"

Catwoman now has a bigger super villain kill count than New Suicide Squad.

Or maybe not. Sionis crawls back through the tunnels bleeding on everything and runs into The Penguin. The Penguin trades Sionis his life for Sionis's entire stake in Gotham. And he tells Sionis to disappear. Forever. Or at least until somebody writing Detective Comics comes up with a cool story involving Black Mask.

Eiko takes over the Hasigawa Clan and plans to hit the lesser gangs surrounding her turf hard so they know she's serious. I think that leaves one more Valentine issue before Tieri which means maybe Sionis will think twice about his Penguin deal and return only to get killed. Or maybe Eiko is going to get herself killed. How am I supposed to guess how this entire thing will end when I don't even know what's been going on for the last year?!

Catwoman #45 Rating: No change. Only one more issue of Selina Kyle having anything to do with the Gotham mob bosses and then you'll never hear about it again! Well, maybe in the pages of Batman and Robin Eternal. But I'm pretty sure Frank Tieri hasn't been keeping up with Valentine's run of Catwoman. He'll probably decide he's writing a powerful woman character so he'll start off by having her beat up some men who whistle at her. Then she'll steal a diamond but realize that it was a trap and she'll find herself in some kind of burglar intrigue! Also her bosoms will practically be overflowing out of her suit. Can Tieri write that into the script so that the new artist knows how to draw Catwoman's outfit? I think the only thing the artist needs to remember is that it doesn't zip up all the way. My head really fucking hurts right now so that's the best I can do.