Green Arrow Annual #1

All of the September 2015 annuals so far have been enjoyable. Don't you fucking break that trend, Green Arrow!

Grayson had two annuals in one year. Green Arrow is finally getting an annual after four years. Judging by the quality of the writing on both series, I'd say that's about right. It might be a little too heavy on the Green Arrow annuals though.

This issue begins with a metaphor about an apple. You know how some people claim to be face blind, seeing everybody like Dick Grayson with his Hypnos in? I'm metaphor blind! So I don't know why Oliver mentioned a gross apple he once ate and then begins talking about some seemingly good citizens who are evil douchebags at night. I guess it's because they like apples. They also like to wear the masks of ex-presidents. I think I've seen that somewhere before!

The people they're going after are all listed in a Seattle "Register of the Infected." I doubt they're going after zombies so they must be attacking people with AIDS. I'm guessing AIDS because it seems like the virus most easily used in a less-than-subtle analogy about rotting apples. I really want to like Benjamin Percy for some reason. Maybe because he has Pacific Northwest ties. Maybe because he seems to know how to write except he keeps putting out really clumsy and obvious stories relying too heavily on Narration Boxing.

Maybe the infected in this story simply have measles or herpes or HPV. Do people still write stories about AIDS? Hasn't it been cured by injecting everybody with Magic Johnson's Immune Juice? Maybe these guys are anti-vaxxers and since they don't believe in vaccines, they have to go around and kill everybody who is infected with measles or the mumps or rubella! You know, to protect themselves and their community in much the same way they'd be protected if they all just got the fucking vaccines!

Well, the victim screams at the television while watching Wheel of Fortune. I have no sympathy for him. Kill him! Also, it's not Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde or else the "R" in "Mr." would be on the board which it isn't. Maybe this is a Monsters in Literature Before and After?

Meanwhile Oliver Queen is lying naked in bed thanking his girlfriend for putting her tongue in his ass. That must be what he's talking about because he says "That thing you did? Before the other thing." There's not much things to do to the male body, right? So it's like putting the penis in things or putting things in the butt! I don't think there is anything else. Unless people put things in the penis but that just seems like unreasonably off the beaten path!

His girlfriend Melanie leaves because she can't relate to hot, white, rich men. I'm not sure how that explains why she has to leave unless she's just trying to garner the sympathy of everybody in earshot who isn't a hot, white, rich male. A better excuse would be that his room smells like farts or that he makes terrible waffles. I'm confused as to why Oliver wants her to stay. Doesn't he realize he's a hot, white, rich male?! He should be inviting the next girl into bed while Melanie gets dressed!

My first guess about the infection was that they were werewolves but I didn't write that because it was silly. It turns out the infection is werewolfitis. That makes a lot more sense though since Benjamin Percy likes to write in analogies. Which means the story really is about AIDS but the AIDS turn people into werewolves.

See? He's got Werewolf AIDS!

Remember when Tiny Tim wrote "Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS"? To be fair, he recorded it in 1985 before we all realized what a plague it was turning into. To be more than fair, I think by 1985 Tiny Tim should have known better! At least somebody realized the song probably wouldn't become the next "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" and squashed its release.

I'm not totally sure about the 1985 date on the song. I got that from Wikipedia's page of the worst songs ever. One of the songs on the list, to nobody's surprise, is Rebecca Black's "Friday." I have that song on my iTunes and it's fucking catchy if you're going to be honest about pop music. The lyrics are inane but she was a young girl pursuing her hobby of singing and songwriting. The lyrics really weren't any more inane than hundreds of pop songs to come before her and by people much older. I remember when everybody was being really mean to her on Twitter when the song was first released. I never bothered to listen to the song and I just thought everybody was really showing how much they don't care about looking like an asshole and a bully. It was about two years later when I first listened to the song and was surprised by how young she was and how awful people were to her and her song. I will stand by the fact that it is a catchy pop song.

Oliver and Henry hear about the attacks on the infected and meet up to discuss what to do about the Ex-Presidents.

Well la dee dah! Too posh to sit on something a fat slob sat on?!

The Infected are called Wargs which I should probably type as the W-slur. It turns out the analogy is much broader than just people with AIDS being feared by society. Apparently the W-slurs are analogous to Muslims, Witches, and Jewish people as well. Is Jewish okay to say? Or should I have typed J-word?

Some victims of Werewolf AIDS take a drug to keep from transforming. But others have joined the Berserkers biker gang and love to ride around howling at the suburban housewives. They also want to clean up Oliver Queen's city in their own way just like the Ex-Presidents want to clean up the city in their own way. "Cleaning up the city" is shorthand for somebody who will become Oliver Queen's enemy.

Meanwhile Emiko is practicing to be a terrible stand up comedian. She's also too young to remember the Unknown Comic and that she's stealing his gimmick.

Emiko is upset because she turned into a bully at school and beat up two kids. But it's okay because they were acting obnoxiously. It's okay to physically assault people who are being dicks. Don't even try to engage them and point out how horrible they're being. Just knock them unconscious because that's cool. If gross people want to have the freedom of speech they have to accept the consequences that come with it. And those consequences might take the form of a totally perfect non-problematic person using violence against them while everybody cheers. It's okay to be a violent dick and a bully if your victim has opinions that differ drastically from yours and which you think are completely gross.

Oliver instantly believes that the kids are somehow involved in the attacks on the Wargs. That makes sense. Teenagers are only inconsiderate douches if their parents have taught them to be inconsiderate douches. So it's obviously a clue that they're picking on the sister of a known Warg! Now Oliver has a lead! That was easy!

Emiko is sad because she's such a unique snowflake that nobody likes her. Fuck, Emiko. Being a teenager who thinks they're different from all the other teenagers and feels ostracized just means you're exactly like all of the other teenagers!

Green Arrow narrates a bit about Tommy Maltman the puppet maker who was just killed by the Berserkers even though he isn't there and hasn't witnessed it. It's at these moments that I wish comic book writers still remembered about omniscient narrators. I know they're frowned upon but it's no better having the main character do the narration of scenes he isn't a witness to.

Oh poor Oliver. Somebody called him a name! Who the fuck cares what other people think of you. That's the best part of the privilege of being a white heterosexual male! You don't have to be a representative of a group! You can think of yourself as simply Oliver Queen and not white or male or heterosexual! Therefore you don't have to feel insulted when somebody assumes things about you based on those facts! White heterosexual males who whinge and moan about people complaining about white, heterosexual males are merely throwing their privilege down the drain! Besides, Ollie. Who cares if you're a privileged jerkoff. You're still a hot, white, rich male!

Oliver and Emiko and George go out for the Halloween parade where they catch site of the Ex-Presidents in the parade. They don't realize yet that the Wargs are also in the parade! Which side will Oliver choose?! I mean, obviously he has to choose the Werewolf's side or else he'll be an accessory to a hate crime. But it's okay for the Werewolves to attack everybody since some of those everybodies are assholes hatemongers. I guess.

The Werewolves' plan is to make everybody else a werewolf by biting and clawing them. The Ex-Presidents' plan is to kill anybody who has been infected. The innocent bystanders' plan is to run and scream and cause a whole lot of chaos.

Maybe think about this in the context of your day at school, Emiko. Learn a lesson for once!

Oliver and Emiko subdue both sides and the story ends with Oliver noticing he's been bitten! Oh no! Green Arrow Wolf Man!

Green Arrow Annual #1 Non-Ranking Annual Rating: I have been severely disappointed by Green Arrow for nearly four years. Jeff Lemire did some work to make the comic book interesting but it never felt much like a Green Arrow or an Oliver Queen book during his run. The first time I felt interested in Green Arrow was during Benjamin Percy's Convergence Sneak Peek. But then he followed that up with a fairly trite and ridiculously unsubtle story about institutional racism. This story felt like it was going to be another too spot on analogy and, in some ways, I suppose it was. But I think it was a really good attempt for a longer annual story. The social justice stuff felt clumsily written but I think it's a perfectly reasonable direction to head with Green Arrow. Hasn't he always fought for the downtrodden and the oppressed? So putting a rich white male into this role and having him deal with the "white savior" stuff could make for some really good stories. But maybe ease up on the mallet, Ben. A little more subtlety. Move things along a little more organically and well-paced. I could see this becoming a really interesting book.