I know John Stewart farted in your face last cover, Kilowog. But belching in Guy's face isn't going to improve the situation.
That wasn't a joke. That theme song creeped the fuck out of me. I remember thinking, "Why is this scary show airing in the middle of the afternoon?!" At least I knew I would only spy "Tales From the Darkside" if I stayed up too late. But that Doctor Who theme haunted me! It was probably years later that I found out it was a science fiction show. And I'd probably even watched some of it having turned the station to find it on, never knowing it was attached to that theme song that just provoked some visceral flight or fight response in my young system.
Anyway, Arisia was dying or some shit at the end of last issue. Good riddance! Nobody needs to be reminded that Hal Jordan was once a pedophile! And the best way to forget that shit is to disappear the victim! I mean, technically I guess the best way to take care of it is to put Hal in a Sciencell. I just scanned the DC Wiki on "Sciencell" to see if I should capitalize it or not. It seems I should. So was Sciencell the guy who created the Oan prison? I always just assumed it was a retarded...oh wait, sorry for the R-slur! Let me check my friend's daughter's Facebook to see the word I have to use instead...Oh! Okay, let me start over. I always just assumed it was a ridiculous merger of "science" and "cell." Oh hey! Ridiculous actually works well to replace retarded! That's crazy! Uh, I mean, that's unbelievable! Hmm. That one doesn't work as well to express my exact intent. So ridiculous. Wink, wink!
I'm so going to fucking ruin the word ridiculous that it's ridiculous. Wink, wink. You know what I mean when I say ridiculous, right? Stop being so ridiculous! Just like I now say "barn owl" and no barn owls complain about my god-awful language!
Oh yeah! Shit! Sorry, Arisia. I just left you gasping for breath for way too long due to that ridiculous digression.
I wish the Green Lanterns would battle enemies instead of constantly battling the amount of charge left in their rings.
Since the Green Lanterns are now dead, I guess it's time for a John Stewart Military Flashback! It's time to learn how taking part in militaristic imperialist expansionism made John Stewart the man he is today! Or the man he was yesterday since he's dead now.
John's memory was about that time in battle when the one guy said to go on without him and John was all, "No way, buddy! We're all going to make it or else none of us will!" And then the guy who wanted to abandon the hurt guy gets killed because fuck that prick for wanting to leave a man behind. He totally deserved to die. But John surrenders after seeing his fellow marine shot in the throat because fuck getting shot in the throat, man! He surrenders in that way that Americans never surrender and is captured. No wonder he just died in space! The lesson he learned was to quit! Quitter!
Apparently John didn't die in space. He wakes up in a generic brand Sciencell alongside Salaak and some other alien prisoners.
Just like an American. He expects everybody else--even aliens!--to learn English.
B'dg is saying, "Fuck you, assholes! I'm outta here!"
Meanwhile Guy Gardner is stuck on his ridiculous (wink, wink) argument about John ruining everything because he's lying to Relic. Hey Guy? If you haven't noticed, Relic isn't here anymore. This universe is long dead according to the matter that makes up your body which is just recycled matter from this universe. How about you just treat this universe as the leftovers it is and try to get back to your universe no matter the cost. If what you do somehow causes this universe to die, don't worry about it. Time being what it is, that's probably how the universe died before. You just didn't realize it because you hadn't reached that loop of time from your perspective. Just realize nothing you do at this point matters in the grand scheme of things because whatever happened here in Relic's universe already happened. Just fucking go with it. Unless, of course, you're just making your stupid arguments and complaining your dumbass complaints for added drama. Then carry on.
Don't be so stupid, Guy! Remember how Relic's light draining the universe theory was just a hypothesis without any actual proof? And remember how John lied about being from the future which was dying due to too much light being used? Remember how Relic took that as proof of his hypothesis? That's the only reason he believes his theory without any actual evidence! It's all bunk!
I'm fairly certain "Chrr-chrr-crk-squeak-chrk-chrk!" means "I am not a fucking squirrel, you racist piece of shit!"
Lost Army #4 Rating: -1 Ranking. If I were interested in watching people fight with the power draining out of their devices or people sitting around having inane conversation in a bleak landscape, I'd hang out in Starbucks all day. Somebody think up a new device to make the Lanterns interesting please. Until then, I'm changing the name of this comic book to Loser Army.