Green Arrow #44

Is this Elfquest now?

I'm sure DC Comics hates it when Marvel fans claim DC has stolen all of their shit. I get annoyed when fans of one company claim the other company has stolen or copied something because it's only true in the most general sense. Usually it's just the same writer bringing shit he created (although with a new name and a makeover) over to his new job with the other company. But shouldn't somebody have said to Percy, "Really? You're going to give our bow and arrow guy a dog on the tail--snicker snicker--of all that pizza-bagel dog crap--snicker snicker--going down across the street? That's just asking for a black eye!" And then Percy probably said, "You're right! The Green Arrow comic also needs a black guy!" I think Green Arrow's wolf-dog is going to be played up as way too bad-ass for me to feel much of anything for. I really wish Aquadog had gotten more of a spotlight over in Aquaman. I can't believe he was completely forgotten and abandoned. Maybe Mera can befriend a baby octopus next.

The issue begins with Oliver Queen saying he's "a sucker for women" and that he "loves them all." But that's with a few conditions, of course. They have to be smart and strong. That's code for no ugly chicks even if they're smart although he said he likes smart women but, come on!, you can't expect a man to not be a man just so he can prove his mouth feminism through his actions. That's hard! And he's supposedly a good looking, intelligent guy with muscles so weak, dumb women need not apply. Also all of the women that are not attractive to him in the ways that it's not okay for a man to say they aren't attractive. You know the ways. I just made you think of the ways but I didn't say them so don't get mad at me! Get mad at your own brain for thinking the things I would never say! I love all women! I mean, if they're, um, not very opinionated. Unless that's a bad thing to say and then I just don't like them if they're not being themselves. Yeah! That's it. I hate when women aren't themselves because of the Patriarchy. Stupid Patriarchy! Unless that means I'm not being sensitive to dumb, weak women who allow themselves to be victims of the Patriarchy. Then I love all women without any caveats, especially when I can just type it and I don't have to prove it in any real way.

Hunh. I never thought about it like this before. Women really are all the same in stereotypical, negative ways! Thanks for the in-depth analysis of women in relationships, Oliver!

Ugh! Don't you hate it when the person you're dating wants to get to know you better? Isn't the size of my penis and the amount of time I can manage to keep it from blowing its load all you really need to know (both of those numbers are smaller than you were probably hoping for (although you're probably just reading this to find out if Green Arrow #44 was any good so maybe I shouldn't have brought it up at all))? Oliver may as well have opened up this issue Narration Boxing, "Hey guys! Don't you hate it when your girl asks you what you're thinking?" That always gets a laugh from couples even though it doesn't have a punch line. But couples are always, "Oh yeah! That's a thing that lousy comedians sometimes say! I've heard it before so it must be funny if I'm hearing it yet again!"

Oliver and Kyra walk past the Seattle fish market so that everybody reading can go, "Oh yeah! I've seen that before! They really are in Seattle!" It was either that or draw the Space Needle into the background. Or maybe the building that looks like a huge black cock. Black in that the building is black not because black people have cocks the size of buildings. There goes your racist, sexist brain again! Don't go getting angry at me because you can't read anything without finding a reason to be angry about it. That's on you, you perpetuator of negativity.

Since Kyra can't get Ollie to tell her about himself, she chooses to get a psychic reading from The Wart Lady who has moved indoors because it was dangerous ranting on a milk crate out in the open with black men constantly raining down out of the sky.

The art in this issue is not great. It is also lazy.

I didn't do Dwarf Lover for all those years without learning a little something about copying, pasting, and flipping objects horizontally.

The Wart Lady recognizes Not Pizza Dog from a dream she just had and then proceeds to read his past. Nobody asked her to do that but she does it anyway because she's the crazy Wart Lady of Pike's Place. Maybe once Oliver learns about Not Pizza Dog's past, he'll realize how much closer he feels to the dog. Then he'll realize that's what Kyra wants with him and he'll be forced to break up with her because there's no way he's going to tell her all of his secrets.

The Wart Lady tells a story about an arctic village massacred by wolves because the wolves were hungry. Some mystical native guy decided the wolves needed to be punished for feeling hunger and acting out on the feeling so that they wouldn't die. He kills all of them but the leader of the pack. Instead of killing it, he cuts off its paw and then reattaches the paw and then becomes friends with it. The wolf doesn't wait for its moment where it rips the guy's throat out for killing all of his pack members either, so I think the Wart Lady must be telling the story wrong. Eventually the guy and the wolf are killed by people in skull masks searching for the mystic guy's demon axe. But the story doesn't end there! I mean, it should because the cool characters are dead. But instead The Wart Lady continues as she tells the story of the alpha wolf's half-Siberian Husky pup. It was special because it was now the protagonist of the story. Nobody tells stories about protagonists who aren't special. What kind of stupid moron writer writes stories like that?

"And you've tamed each other," finishes The Wart Lady as she pushes her copy of The Little Prince under the table with the big, warty toe of her left foot.

The Wart Lady mentions that the Bone Hunters are coming for Ollie and that's when Kyra says, "I knew it! You're gay!" Actually, she asks him what's going on and he just says he's going to take off the way a well-adjusted, thoughtful person wouldn't ever do. He says, "Sooner or later, they all say the same thing. And as soon as they get too close, as soon as they treat me like a palm to be read, a ruin to be excavated then it's time to say goodbye." So basically Oliver Queen is an asshole who leads women on with the possibility of a relationship and then blames them when they might actually want to get closer to him and know more about him. What an asshole. Or it could just be that he realized Kyra wasn't as intelligent as he was hoping when she decided that a psychic was a good way to get to know somebody.

On his way home, Ollie and Not Pizza Dog are attacked by The Bone Hunters. Hey! I guess The Wart Lady actually knew what she was talking about. Maybe Oliver should reevaluate Kyra's intelligence. She did happen to choose the only psychic in Seattle who was actually psychic, right?

During the battle, Not Pizza Dog is kidnapped. But Oliver finds a new friend in Tarantula, a woman who was following Ollie and Kyra around all day. She introduces herself as Catalina Flores before she says she's the Tarantula because she doesn't care about secret identities. Although she still goes by a cool superhero name! Unless "Tarantula" isn't cool. It feels like it's kind of a cool and creepy name but since the original Tarantula was a member of the All-Star Squadron, I can't help but think of the character as sucking hard.

Tarantula points out that The Bone Hunters don't want Not Pizza Dog because they need unconditional love. No, they need the dog for his bones. What a surprise twist, right? The Bone Hunters want bones!

Green Arrow #44 Rating: -1 Ranking. In this issue, Green Arrow proves that he's the same old sexist Green Arrow that's been around for a long time, just minus the goatee. But now that he's met a woman in a Tarantula costume, maybe he'll be able to tell her about his past when she starts asking all of those nagging, woman questions like, "Do you love me?" or "What are you thinking?" or "Are you even listening to me?" or "Could you please at least continue doing it to me until I produce an orgasm?" or "Why do we never do anything that I want to do?" or "Why were you out so late and now smell like perfume?" or "Why would I want to date you?" or "Eew! Could you move away from me?" or "Are you staring at me?" or "Do you want me to call the police?" If you were thinking, "Oh! Another comic book with an archer and a dog! I bet this is as good as Hawkeye #11!", you should probably stop thinking that because you would be wrong. I haven't even read Hawkeye #11 and I know this issue isn't as good.