Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Justice League #40

My male gaze is melting!

Just because Hal Jordan dropped by for one issue doesn't mean he should be a part of the Magic Mike cover. He should be replaced by Lex Luthor. Or Billy Batson! Although I super duper appreciate Batman keeping the cowl on. I wonder if he has a teeny, tiny cowl for his cock? I mean, I'm sure it's not that teeny tiny!

The more I look at this cover, the more uncomfortable I get. Not because I'm heterosexual and I'm still slowly stroking my penis! It's because none of them have any nipples! Egads! What is that about?! Did they one time fight The De-Nippler?

Last issue concluded the amazing Amazo story which was just totally mediocre. But it was written by Geoff Johns so I think I tricked myself into believing it was better than it was because he's super awesome at writing big blockbuster comic book stories, right? He's also the Chief Creative Officer at DC Comics. He has "Officer" and "Chief" in his title! That gives him lots and lots of authority! I just wish somebody would tack "Science" onto that title somewhere because Geoff Johns' inability to write believable pseudo-science is wearing on my last pseudo-nerve! Plus he's bad at math.

Anyway, the best part of the last issue was when Wonder Woman flirted with Captain Cold. I hope that relationship goes somewhere!

This issue is a prologue to The Justice League Darkseid War. It begins with Metron pointing out the problems inherent in a comic book company which keeps destroying its own universe in order to fix the universe.

Is this story going to lead into "Negligible Crisis: The Near Crisis to End All Crises"?

Since one more universe shattering death and rebirth will destroy DC Comics once and for all, Metron, like Mr. Belvedere, has appeared to save us all.

Metron mentions the two most evil beings in the universe are going to battle. I suppose he means Darkseid and Dick Cheney. Oh, ha ha! How droll! I made a Dick Cheney joke! Should anybody even remember that political Gollum? He probably slunk off into a crack in the side of Mt. DIA (Denver International Airport) to prepare his next evil scheme.

Speaking of conspiracy theories, last night on the way to Taco Bell (Screw you! I'm not going to apologize for my horrible diet! Although I will get defensive about it and yell at imaginary people!), I was listening to Coast to Coast AM. George Noory was talking to somebody about Project HAARP controlling the weather. After talking about that for awhile, he segued into another thought by saying, "Let's talk about conspiracy theories now...". He then mentioned how some people he knew in Santa Cruz were theorizing that perhaps some other country had weather controlling technology and it wasn't HAARP doing it at all!

Coast to Coast AM's line for "conspiracy theory" is different than most people's.

If he's been around since before everything, who forbade him? Jack Kirby?

So Metron's job is simply to observe and keep track of the universe. I don't know who he works for but I guess he likes his job and the perks are good enough so that he'll break the rules a bit when the end of everything seems imminent. He then interferes to save his job.

Metron tells the story about the first time he intervened to save his job. That was when a war between Apokolips and New Genesis threatened to destroy the very fabric of existence! Probably. That's the only way Metron will wind up bored. If they only destroyed one universe, he'd still have plenty of people to spy on in other universes.

Metron brokered the deal between Darkseid and Highfather to exchange sons. Darkseid would get a mewling little puss named Scott Free. Highfather would get an annoying, crass little shit named Orion. And the wars between Apokolips and New Genesis would...well, they probably wouldn't stop. But neither side would try so hard to kill the other now that the fate of everything would be at stake. And so Metron would keep his job. For awhile.

"One day, Wonder Woman will cup my balls in her hand and I will remember how you act here and now so that I can pretend I am not coming in my pants but quaking in fear!"

Metron continues with the second time he almost became unemployed: Crisis on Infinite Earths. He has to tell this story so that he can tell next month's story because I'm pretty sure one of the "most powerful and evil beings" will be the Anti-Monitor and not actually, as I previously surmised, Dick Cheney.

Metron's third flirtation with the bread lines came when Extant tried to rework history and sell DC Comics by numbering them backwards.

The fourth time Metron almost lost his job was one I never read but I think it must have been Final Crisis.

And finally, Metron was barely able to keep his lights on when Flashpoint didn't end all universes but created an...ahem...Omniverse of 52 new Universes. This time, the universe is barely holding together. Mostly, I think, because the reboot doesn't matter quite as much as DC Comics was hoping it would. Most of the characters barely changed at all and when they did, they just became versions of themselves which had existed at some point in DC's past anyway. And now forty issues into this new universe, it's become apparent that most of the characters have basically retained all of their past histories anyway. It's just that some of the characters from before the reboot are still missing.

So what happens when DC Comics gives their fans a reboot that once again causes their fans to grumble, bitch, whine, moan, and groan? Another universe ending epic happens, that's what! But Metron is determined to stop this next one! Or at least make it so that the fans can be happy with whatever DC Comics comes up with.

Holy shit. Mobius? That explains everything!

So Metron stole the Anti-Monitor's chair and the Anti-Monitor has spent years tearing everything down looking for his comfy chair. That's the same reason that Darkseid has been destroying universe after universe! Because he's looking for a comfortable chair for his gigantic stone ass!

Chairs were never invented on Apokolips.

Metron believes that DC Comics cannot survive another universe ending event which births yet another universe. So he tries to convince the Anti-Monitor to simply retire. Metron should give him the chair! He can cruise the multiverse in comfort and he'll no longer feel like destroying anything. Then Metron can get the Furniture Makers of Qward to design another chair for Darkseid.

The Anti-Monitor has decided he wants a war with Darkseid because he's tired of being the Destroyer. Somehow the death of the New Gods will allow the Anti-Monitor to...I don't know. Not be the destroyer? Whatever. He has help from Darkseid's daughter, Omega. I think her name is Omega, right? Metron is kicked out of his chair and then the next time blurb mentions this story will be continued in DC Comics: Divergence which was available on Free Comic Book Day which I missed because I was out of town.

Justice League #40 Rating: No change. DC Comics has decided that universe ending crises are stupid bullshit that only causes more problems. But what if they had a universe ending crisis that acknowledged all of the previous universe ending crises, thus allowing for all of DC's universes to coexist in one huge Scott Lobdellian Omniverse?! Then that crisis wouldn't be stupid bullshit at all! It would be a magnificent tour de force of tour-de-forcian magnitudes! Comic book readers wouldn't roll their eyes and put their money back in their pockets for this one! They'd have to shell out the big bucks to read this postmodern take on the crisis to end all crises! Oh, Geoff Johns! You're a magical being of pure magic! Like naming the Anti-Monitor "Mobius" thus giving him an instant backstory and a mysterious origin tied to Metron's chair! I'm diddling myself as I type! Now I just need to get my hands on a copy of Divergence!

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