Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Convergence: Detective Comics #1

Thanks for the black covers, DC! This week's Convergence Variant covers are going to be smeared with my fingerprints by the time I'm done reading them.

This week's comic books take place in Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis. In other words, they're going to be Golden Age stories! Hooray! I hope we get panels that show Robin grappling with an anaconda while Robin screams, "I'm grappling with an anaconda!" and then has a thought bubble that says, "Holy serpents! I'm grappling with an anaconda!" while the narrator says, "Robin grapples with the mighty monster of the rain forest river: the anaconda!"

The cities that Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis are up against are whatever city represents the Qward Anti-matter Universe, Jonah Hex's futuristic Atlanta, Georgia, and Red Son's Moscow. Sorry, Golden Age, but I have to root for Hex! I'm sure the entire week won't be exclusively Earth-Two Metropolis though. Surely The Freedom Fighters will take place in a different city, as well as Shazam and Blue Beetle (probably of the Dan Garrett variety).

The first page introduction sounds pretty close to a Golden Age comic book. Lots of narration to set the mood with over-the-top similes and lots of dramatic turns of phrase. And on the final panel of the page, a thought bubble! I truly hope they all retain this Golden Age tone.

The story is called "Powers and Responsibilities...". Since it stars the Superman of Red Son, it's probably going to be a story about capitalism versus communism. We know how a Golden Age story like that would end! Red Son Superman would step one foot into Metropolis, renounce communism, and begin fighting for truth, justice, and Visa! I hope this story ends that way too because America rules (with an inherently racist foreign policy built on the back of a constant military threat by deploying its armies all across the world and constantly reminding everybody that America is unarguably good and just and would never allow its own best interests to come into play while policing the entire world)!

Four months into Moscow coming under the dome, Superman continues to make public appearances to reassure the public that their great national hero still has things under control. Even though now he's riding in a limousine instead of flying over the streets.

Propaganda?! Why is Communist Superman so cynical?! It sounds like a capitalist is putting words in his mouth!

Meanwhile in Metropolis, Huntress and Robin discuss fashion and always having enough money to do anything they want. They've been hanging out with the JSA keeping Metropolis safe. Batman is dead for some reason. I don't remember when or how Earth-2 Batman died. Who's Who merely says "he laid down his life to save Gotham from a super-powered criminal" because Who's Who is a lazy fuck.

In Metropolis, Toyman can still find the resources to create a monstrous Nutcracker with which to ravage the city. In Moscow, everybody is starving.

What the hell, Telos? I thought you were supposed to supply the people with all the food, electricity, and water they need? But not toilet paper. I get why they're out of toilet paper.

When the dome comes down, Dick Grayson and Helena Wayne are teleported to Moscow to battle Superman. Dick says the "we aren't in Kansas anymore" line. I probably should have been keeping a tally for how many times that line was used. Maybe it was only twice, here and in The Adventures of Superman #1. And I only remember that because it was practically the last comic I read.

I think the final couple of pages are going to depict Dick Grayson and Helena Wayne being smashed into capitalist jelly.

Superman asks the duo to step out of the Batmobile and Helena answers by shooting a couple of missiles into his face. Oh boy! I bet he's seeing red! Ha ha!

He's actually more calm than capitalist Superman! What an example! I'm going to become a communist now!

Dick exits the Batmobile and enters a rational conversation with Superman. But Helena, being a loyal comic book character who knows how heroic characters are supposed to act when they meet other strange heroic characters, takes off in the Batmobile so she can take a moment to figure out how to defeat Superman. But he just flies after her and picks up the car in order to bring her back to Robin so they can discuss the matter. But Helena decides to hit the self-destruct button on the car because I guess she'd rather die than participate in peaceful negotiations with a communist?

Convergence: Detective Comics #1 Rating: So fucking stupid. Most of the comic book was boring, so I think Len Wein wanted to end it in a not boring fashion. It's too bad he decided to end it in a stupid fashion. I'm sure Superman saved Helena's life which will make her realize that maybe he isn't a bad guy and that there might be a possibility to save both of their cities by working with him. But that still won't justify how fucking paranoid and violent she's acting. Maybe she's acting in character? What do I know about the Earth-2 Huntress? Her Who's Who entry doesn't mention her temperament being an issue. Although her history does end with possibly the best last line of any of the histories I've read so far in the Who's Who: "Coincidentally, Gotham D.A. Harry Sims was her lover." What a coincidence! And informative too!

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