Thursday, May 7, 2015

Multiversity #2

I'm afraid to read this.

If I read this, there is a chance that I won't understand what the fuck I've been reading across the last nine months. And if that happens, I'll feel like a huge idiot failure and I'll probably need to feel better about myself somehow. Maybe I can start up a Tumblr where I just call everybody out for being an Islamophobe. Maybe I could sell shirts with arrows pointing to the left or right and under the arrow it can say, "I'm with this Ableist, Racist, Misogynistic Islamophobe." Fuck, I think that shirt would be a huge seller! Seriously, you could stand next to anybody with that shirt and it would probably be accurate. Especially if they're your parents! Maybe it's a bit too much though. How about selling shirts with arrows pointing to the left or right and under the arrow it just reads "Problematic"? And if you feel the people you're around a lot are a bit more than problematic, the shirt can read "Gross". Maybe it can even come with a little square piece of cloth the same color of the shirt that can cover up the arrow for those days when somebody calls you out and you want to act appropriately by not arguing but shutting your stupid problematic mouth and rolling over like a good, kind, sensitive person should.

This issue begins with some narrator pointing out that the story goes on with or without me. Not in my world it doesn't! I can stop reading and never read any more about this book and this is where it would end. At least for me. And what else is there? But I paid $4.49 for this comic book so I'm going to read it. I guess my hands are tied.

Oh god I hope I understand it! I should say a prayer!

Baby Jesus. I know I said I would never ask you for another favor if you allowed me to tie my shoe in one try way back in the early nineties in Greeley, Colorado, but I have to ask you for one more favor. What is one more favor to you? An omnipotent little guy with the power to return from the dead and piss off all of the local religious leaders. Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? When you were pointing out the idiocy of the Pharisees and their laws, were people constantly Tweeting you and calling you an anti-semite? You were kind of mocking their religion and being totally gross and all. Not cool, Jesus. I'm not saying you deserved to be crucified but, come on, you weren't exactly blameless! Anyway, I'm getting off track here! I was hoping that you'd give me the mental wherewithal to understand this whole Grant Morrison Multiversity thing so that I don't look like a complete idiot in front of all forty-five of my followers! Do we have a deal?

Okay! Now that that insurance is out of the way, let's read Multiversity for reals!

The House of Heroes in the Orrery of Worlds is currently under attack by a gigantic octopus. That's probably one of The Gentry but I don't remember them all so it might also just be one of the pets of Doctor Sivana. Or it might be a version of Doctor Sivana! The Harbinger Computer System sends out an SOS to all fifty-two worlds because they need more heroes to save the Multiverse!

As the call for help echoes across the Multiverse, our attention turns to Earth-13 where Superdemon and his magical compatriots live. Their world has been invaded by vampires from another Earth, most likely Earth-43. The vampires came out of Sivana's Transmatter Cube which I suppose is just as effective as Lex Luthor's Transmatter Cube but more cartoony.

Superdemon doesn't just rhyme on Earth-13; he fucking sonnets, motherfuckers.

Superdemon and the League of Shadows hop through the cube and into the Sivana's High-Tech Rock of Eternity. Waiting on the other side of the Transmatter Cube is the Blood League of Earth-43! That's basically the Justice League if they were all vampires. Vampire Doctor Sivana is stabbed to death by Fate while the Blood League is taken out by Annataz.

I hear once you go black with two lumps and a hint of cream you never go back.

During the battle, Hannibal Sivana and Hissivana sneak off through the Transmatter Cube to Earth-18 where the Justice Riders live. Hannibal takes a justice bullet in the head and Hissivana pukes up one of the chibi-robot Justice Leaguers he ate a few comic books back. As he's surrounded by the Justice Riders, the Narrator from the beginning who spoke of reading comic books and being enamored by the medium begins to awaken once more. Is this why the story would go on with or without me? Because the simple act of Morrison writing it brought it into being and that we, the audience, are merely incidental to its existence?

The Narrator has been woken by a crisis appearing across every world in the Multiverse. Red skies and black lightning surround each Earth as the residents battle with foes promised glory by The Gentry.

On Earth-36, the heroes battle an undead Optiman who was killed by SuperDoomsday in Action Comics.

The Narration in the above panel is something I was talking about in my Batman #40 blog entry. The comic book universe is one that is written as if the story is approaching some ending but that ending just never comes. Even when Crisis on Infinite Earths ended at issue #12, it couldn't actually end. It wasn't the final word on anything no matter how much DC Comics wanted it to be. The Comic Book Universe exists simply to perpetuate conflict. So an epic event is never the resolution to a conflict but simply a means to create more conflict. Nobody wants a universe that's winding down because it's resolving all of its problems one by one! We need conflict! Conflict! CONFLICT!

As the conflicts on each Earth ramp up, more heroes are pulled from their worlds and into the House of Heroes to help fight The Gentry. Abin Sur from Earth-20 finally arrives. And Adam Familiar from the Bizarro Universe. And Doctor Nemo, one of the Agents of W.O.N.D.E.R. from Earth-39. And many, many others. This must be the part where Harbinger and Dino-cop come up with a plan!

That's the plan?! Who let the guy with the walnut-sized brain come up with the plan?!

The Gentry attacking the House of Heroes is Hellmachine and, according to the Narrator, it is the 999th forbidden name of the third angel of despair and countless are its legions. In other words, it's bad ass. Hellmachine has found his way to the House of Heroes because Chibi-Robot Wonder Woman and Chibi-Robot Steel of Earth-42 are in the House. And they are his teeny, tiny robot spies. That is the great and terrible secret of Earth-42!

Atomic Knight Batman pulls out his Multiversity Guidebook which can help restore the Harbinger A.I. But I think first they decide to read one of the stories in his copy that wasn't in my copy:

Superjudge! And, um, Special Thanks to Dave Wyndorf and Monster Magnet?! I knew he was a comic book geek since he's appeared on Tell 'em Steve Dave a number of times. But what did he do to get a mention?!

Superjudge will solve his Rubik's Cube in seventeen moves which will tear holes in all space and time allowing The Gentry access to all the planets. Brunch places and record shops will proliferate across the Multiverse! All art and creativity will be channeled into DJing clubs and parties and, well, just practicing with the front door open so that people passing on the sidewalk will know how fucking cool you are. White people will be everywhere! Standing in line for artisan pizza! Standing in line for artisan ice cream! Standing in line for artisan burritos! The Multiverse will become a bland, boring place full of unbearable assholes!

If Captain Carrot and his friends can't stop Superjudge and The Gentry, I might have to begin reading Marvel.

Let me just point out that my previous rant took place before I read this page.

Captain Carrot gets his head blasted off just before he's about to eat one of his cosmic carrots. But he's a cartoon character so a little loss of noggin doesn't bother him much. While his body continues to fight and wait for a mouth to feed the carrot, Captain Carrot's head makes friends with Nix Uotan's monkey pal. He explains to Captain Carrot that Nix Uotan is opening the doors to let The Gentry in because he realizes, somewhere inside him that is still a monitor, that an open door can be entered from either side.

Meanwhile, Harbinger A.I. comes back online thanks to the infusion of The Multiversity Guidebook and maybe some of the data from the Chibi-Robot hard drives. Before Hellmachine can eat her mind, The Marvel Family spears it with the Sivana's False Rock of Eternity. It's eaten by the creatures of The Bleed and The Marvels join the fight at the House of Heroes.

Red Racer helps Captain Carrot get back on his neck. And Captain Carrot helps Red Racer by giving him a bunch of comic books to read.

Wait! There were connections to be made across all the comic book?! I just thought they were big brawls!

Superjudge completes the Rubik's Cube in fifteen moves as Red Racer runs around the world going in and out of all the newly opened portals. He comes back nearly instantly with a whole army of speedsters! Flashes to the rescue! Usually they cause Cosmic Crises but this time, they're going to fucking end one! With fifteen near infinite-mass punches, The Flashes knock out Superjudge. Nix Uotan crawls from out of Superjudge's head as good as new. If by "new" you were thinking "as is" and don't mind one eye being popped by a trident.

But then The Gentry arrive through the doors opened by Superjudge's Rubik's Cube. But Harbinger A.I., using The Multiversity Guidebook, has learned a thing or two about opening gates herself.

I kind of feel, since I began reading comics with Crisis on Infinite Earths, that I should stop reading them altogether when this is over!

The heroes of every world easily defeat The Gentry in this final battle. Except it's not the end because it's never really the end. Endings are dumb and boring. Nix Uotan mentions that an empty hand is at the end. And now it's time to find that thing behind The Gentry. It awaits Superman of Earth-23 and the rest behind the still standing door of The Gentry known as Lord Broken. The door leads to where it all began on Earth-7. It leads to a throne room made from the ruins of the world.

When is the last time anybody saw a picture of Dan Didio?

The giant antlered person explains that his legion of Gentry are building an Oblivion Machine which will tell the final chapter of the DC Universe. You know, that chapter that will never actually be written except in alternate timelines and elseworld tales? Although The Empty Hand does point out that the Gentry are feeding on Multiverse-2, so maybe sometimes the final chapter does get told.

By the way, what is Multiverse-2? The Silver Age? Or a universe that no reader has ever heard of because its story was told and destroyed and devoured?

The Empty Hand teleports the heroes back to Earth-8 to await the day of their final issues. In the meantime, Superman of Earth-23 decides the Multiverse needs a Cosmic Neighborhood Watch. He names it Operation Justice Incarnate which seems a little bit over the top but what the hell. They are tasked with protecting fifty-two universes from a threat that originated on Earth-33. I guess the easiest way to access every universe is to start on the universe that has windows (aka comic books) to all of the other worlds.

For saving the Multiverse, Nix Uotan is rewarded with eight hundred dollars so that he can pay rent on his apartment on Earth-0.

So was it all a dream? Yeah, probably!

Does it matter? Wouldn't you prefer it being a dream, or simply a comic book in which Nix played a significant role, than have to think of it as an analogy about how comics can spread dangerous and important ideas and how we must protect the ability to keep ideas free, no matter how dangerous they might be, because it's better than cranking up the Oblivion Machine and keeping us all in the dark? Of course, we must be vigilant about what ideas take root in our hearts and minds. That's the part of the analogy that wound up with a crazy name of Operation Justice Incarnate! Plus I think there was a message about not letting Frank Miller into your house no matter how persistent he can be.

No comments:

Post a Comment