I'm afraid to read this.
This issue begins with some narrator pointing out that the story goes on with or without me. Not in my world it doesn't! I can stop reading and never read any more about this book and this is where it would end. At least for me. And what else is there? But I paid $4.49 for this comic book so I'm going to read it. I guess my hands are tied.
Oh god I hope I understand it! I should say a prayer!
Baby Jesus. I know I said I would never ask you for another favor if you allowed me to tie my shoe in one try way back in the early nineties in Greeley, Colorado, but I have to ask you for one more favor. What is one more favor to you? An omnipotent little guy with the power to return from the dead and piss off all of the local religious leaders. Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? When you were pointing out the idiocy of the Pharisees and their laws, were people constantly Tweeting you and calling you an anti-semite? You were kind of mocking their religion and being totally gross and all. Not cool, Jesus. I'm not saying you deserved to be crucified but, come on, you weren't exactly blameless! Anyway, I'm getting off track here! I was hoping that you'd give me the mental wherewithal to understand this whole Grant Morrison Multiversity thing so that I don't look like a complete idiot in front of all forty-five of my followers! Do we have a deal?
Okay! Now that that insurance is out of the way, let's read Multiversity for reals!
The House of Heroes in the Orrery of Worlds is currently under attack by a gigantic octopus. That's probably one of The Gentry but I don't remember them all so it might also just be one of the pets of Doctor Sivana. Or it might be a version of Doctor Sivana! The Harbinger Computer System sends out an SOS to all fifty-two worlds because they need more heroes to save the Multiverse!
As the call for help echoes across the Multiverse, our attention turns to Earth-13 where Superdemon and his magical compatriots live. Their world has been invaded by vampires from another Earth, most likely Earth-43. The vampires came out of Sivana's Transmatter Cube which I suppose is just as effective as Lex Luthor's Transmatter Cube but more cartoony.
Superdemon doesn't just rhyme on Earth-13; he fucking sonnets, motherfuckers.
I hear once you go black with two lumps and a hint of cream you never go back.
The Narrator has been woken by a crisis appearing across every world in the Multiverse. Red skies and black lightning surround each Earth as the residents battle with foes promised glory by The Gentry.
On Earth-36, the heroes battle an undead Optiman who was killed by SuperDoomsday in Action Comics.
As the conflicts on each Earth ramp up, more heroes are pulled from their worlds and into the House of Heroes to help fight The Gentry. Abin Sur from Earth-20 finally arrives. And Adam Familiar from the Bizarro Universe. And Doctor Nemo, one of the Agents of W.O.N.D.E.R. from Earth-39. And many, many others. This must be the part where Harbinger and Dino-cop come up with a plan!
That's the plan?! Who let the guy with the walnut-sized brain come up with the plan?!
Atomic Knight Batman pulls out his Multiversity Guidebook which can help restore the Harbinger A.I. But I think first they decide to read one of the stories in his copy that wasn't in my copy:
Superjudge! And, um, Special Thanks to Dave Wyndorf and Monster Magnet?! I knew he was a comic book geek since he's appeared on Tell 'em Steve Dave a number of times. But what did he do to get a mention?!
If Captain Carrot and his friends can't stop Superjudge and The Gentry, I might have to begin reading Marvel.
Let me just point out that my previous rant took place before I read this page.
Meanwhile, Harbinger A.I. comes back online thanks to the infusion of The Multiversity Guidebook and maybe some of the data from the Chibi-Robot hard drives. Before Hellmachine can eat her mind, The Marvel Family spears it with the Sivana's False Rock of Eternity. It's eaten by the creatures of The Bleed and The Marvels join the fight at the House of Heroes.
Red Racer helps Captain Carrot get back on his neck. And Captain Carrot helps Red Racer by giving him a bunch of comic books to read.
Wait! There were connections to be made across all the comic book?! I just thought they were big brawls!
But then The Gentry arrive through the doors opened by Superjudge's Rubik's Cube. But Harbinger A.I., using The Multiversity Guidebook, has learned a thing or two about opening gates herself.
I kind of feel, since I began reading comics with Crisis on Infinite Earths, that I should stop reading them altogether when this is over!
When is the last time anybody saw a picture of Dan Didio?
By the way, what is Multiverse-2? The Silver Age? Or a universe that no reader has ever heard of because its story was told and destroyed and devoured?
The Empty Hand teleports the heroes back to Earth-8 to await the day of their final issues. In the meantime, Superman of Earth-23 decides the Multiverse needs a Cosmic Neighborhood Watch. He names it Operation Justice Incarnate which seems a little bit over the top but what the hell. They are tasked with protecting fifty-two universes from a threat that originated on Earth-33. I guess the easiest way to access every universe is to start on the universe that has windows (aka comic books) to all of the other worlds.
For saving the Multiverse, Nix Uotan is rewarded with eight hundred dollars so that he can pay rent on his apartment on Earth-0.
So was it all a dream? Yeah, probably!
Does it matter? Wouldn't you prefer it being a dream, or simply a comic book in which Nix played a significant role, than have to think of it as an analogy about how comics can spread dangerous and important ideas and how we must protect the ability to keep ideas free, no matter how dangerous they might be, because it's better than cranking up the Oblivion Machine and keeping us all in the dark? Of course, we must be vigilant about what ideas take root in our hearts and minds. That's the part of the analogy that wound up with a crazy name of Operation Justice Incarnate! Plus I think there was a message about not letting Frank Miller into your house no matter how persistent he can be.
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