Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Convergence: Superman #2

Nailed it!

Convergence has had so many Superman titles that I have no idea which Superman was in this one. I remember it starred skinny emo Flashpoint Superman as the bad guy trying to get into Lois Lane's preggo panties. And Jimmy Olsen fucked everything up for Superman the way that Jimmy Olsen always does because he's less "Superman's Pal" and more "Superman's Charity Case." I guess it doesn't matter which Superman stars in this. It could be the one that gets his powers because Earth's gravity is lighter than Krypton's or it could be the Superman who gets his powers from the yellow sun or it could be the Superman who can't even hold his breath while traveling in space anymore or it could be the Superman that has only ever sweat once in his lifetime and that's when he benchpressed five hundred million Earths. No wait. That was Scott Lobdell's horrible New 52 Superman and he's off practicing his new FWASH power in another part of the multiverse right now.

I'm surprised Flashpoint Batman knows how to use a Batcomputer. Get it? Because he's fucking old!

The Flashpoint Batcomputer is an idiot. It usually knows everything! All Batman has to do is key in the right questions and it's all, "I have solved the crime. Beep beep beep. It was The Riddler. Beep beep beep." Remember when it used to spit out bits of paper instead of speaking? Um, anyway, the Flashpoint Batcomputer has cameras watching Superman battle the other Flashpoint heroes and Batman is all, "He's Kryptonian. And gay." And the Batcomputer is all, "Beep beep beep. It's possible. Beep beep beep. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Beep beep beep." And then Batman is all, "Is he from the universe that that kid Barry whom I gave the letter to was from?" And the Batcomputer is all, "I don't know how to answer that. Would you like to call somebody else gay? Captain Thunder is right there."

I still find it hard to believe that Geoff Johns created the Flashpoint Universe as a universe that spun off from ours at the point where we began trying to stop people from using "gay" as an insult.

"Stop enjoying that headlock so much, Superman, so I can shoot the bad guys!"

Instead of Jimmy saving Superman, Superman has to save Jimmy. Again! It's always "again" with that kid! Can't he just stay out of it and take pictures instead of trying to play superhero? Although he'd be my favorite character if he put on a mask and cape and fought crime as the Tomato Goblin.

After Superman saves Jim, he, once again, tells everybody that they should probably talk it out. He points out that it just might be possible to save both cities if they work together. But Abin Sur is all, "That's so gay."

Cyborg and Captain Thunder decide talking is stupid. It's always better to throw punches until you realize that isn't solving the problem. Talking is always a last resort. I'm glad I didn't learn about the world from comic books!

Clark hears Lois calling for help so he decides to cut the battle short and go rescue her. Otherwise he's going to have to fly super fast around Telos until he goes back in time so that he can save her before she's killed by Supertwerp.

The difference was that gay thing I pointed out earlier!

Supertwerp has taken Lois Lane to Flashpoint Batcave because Batman was a doctor before he became an obsessed madman. I don't know why Supertwerp thinks she needs a doctor now. Does he not know how pregnancy works? Hmm. Maybe I missed her going into labor last issue. Did water fall out of her vagina? That's usually a sign the baby is on its way. I almost said "coming" but that made the horrible side of me think disgusting thoughts.

Right! Friends! Everybody knows they were more than friends. This would be an appropriate time to use the word "gay," Flashpoint Batman.

Superman somehow doesn't hear that Lois was taken to the Flashpoint Batcave. He heads to Lois's apartment where he finds her webcam has recorded her kidnapping. The webcam is a pretty good director too! It centered the shot and everything. Abin Sur drops by to explain to Superman that he's ready to stop fighting. Superman is all, "I thought Jimmy Olsen was covering you with the space gun?" And Abin Sur is all, "I didn't say I stopped fighting thirty seconds ago! Your friend is dead." And Superman is all, "Enh. It was bound to happen." Then Superman says, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?!" And Abin Sur says, "Gay!" And Superman is all, "What? No! World's Finest Team-up!" And Abin Sur is all, "I know! I already quipped gay!"

Which DC Universe had the Superman with the tiny, deformed legs?

Superman flies off to the Batcave, knocks Flashpoint Superman out, stuffs him in an unmarked grave, and then returns to the cave where Flashpoint Batman is all, "We have to deliver the baby here! Get me the Bat-Speculum!"

Actually, Batman chickens out. He hasn't been a doctor since his son Bruce died. Now he's more into delivering people out of this world. So Superman decides he'll deliver the baby. I hope he doesn't accidentally smash its tender baby head! I would also hope that I won't have to endure a scene where a baby is delivered but I already see on the page opposite that hope is squashed dead (hopefully not like Superman and Lois's baby!).

The baby survives the delivery. It's a boy and, according to Lois, it's beautiful. I don't see it. But then I never see it. They're all just weak little bags of blood until they develop a personality. Not the personality that the mother and father see early on. I mean a personality that a stranger can see after spending just a few minutes with the kid. I don't have four months to learn to appreciate your mewling, disgusting infant! Get back to me when it can sit up on its own and you've taught it a trick or two. I don't remember exactly how old my nephew was before I began to fall in love with him but even before he could speak, he would fake sneeze just to get the attention from all the God Blessers in the room. Little needy bastard! But still petty fucking cute, I guess.

"Life is the most precious! Kill whomever you must to protect it!"

Then there's the last page.

Superman: "I love you, Lois."
Lois Lane: "Forever and always."
Batman: "Gay."

Convergence: Superman #2 Rating: What the fuck just happened here?! Are all of these Convergence stories going to go off the rails in the second issue?! The first issue forces two sides into battle! The second issue ignores the fight so characters can have a touching moment. Roy and Lian reunited. Clark and Lois have a baby. Renee and her father reconcile. And as for the battle? The Extremists and Titans will finish their fight in another comic book. The Two-Faces exchange some words and one bullet that kills nothing before the fight is called on account of it's interfering with the real story. Superman stops fighting to deliver a baby while Jimmy is probably murdered by Flashpoint Cyborg and Captain Marvel. It just reinforces the idea that Telos is going to be stopped in the Convergence weekly and all of these worlds are going to get to survive. Hell, nobody in the first three Issue Twos I've read have really felt threatened at all by their strange place in the universe and the sudden competition. I guess after spending a year under a dome without powers, anything else that winds up happening can hardly be a surprise.

Divergence: Doomed

In this exciting new title from Chris Claremont Clone, Scott Lobdell (and I mean that in the way that clones always wind up inheriting all of the bad traits of their original DNA and none of the good traits!), "a Metropolis U student gains the power to transform into the incredibly powerful Doomsday! How far can he go before he becomes a monster himself." After that bold description, I can't tell if I'm yawning or fake yawning.

The sneak peek begins with Lobdell's usual one page panel with lots of Narration Boxing. He continues the fine tradition of having the character say something in one Narration Box only to correct himself in the next Narration Box. Then he has the character Narration Box something "young" and "cool." And the whole thing is in a voice speaking directly to the reader. Some fans might like that style but the only reason Lobdell uses it is because he's lazy and unoriginal and spent too many years in the X-Men offices learning to be a lousy simulacrum of Claremont.

The second page's Narration Boxes make no sense coming after the first page's Narration Boxes. Lobdell has a habit of changing dialogue and narration without realizing that the changes have now made other parts of the original script nonsensical. It's also possible these pages are just excerpts from the new book and the pages where the Daily Planet globe fell on Doomedsday were left out. I was hoping these "sneak peeks" were tiny short stories to bridge the gap but I'm starting to believe they're just parts of the first issues. Hopefully I'm wrong about that since Red Hood Loves Arsenal read like a complete (yet horrible) little mini-story about Jay and Roy being super cool and awesome.

I should probably describe the comic book instead of Scott Lobdell's writing problems.

Lobdell loves Roman shit!

Doomed can't explain he's the good guy because he just grunts like a monster when in monster form. That's too bad because it means I'm going to have to suffer through scads and scads of his Narration Boxes that sound exactly like Roy Harper or Jason Todd's Narration Boxes.

It turns out he has a girlfriend named Jayne and a an Aunt Belle, so I guess this is Lobdell's version of Spiderman. I bet he turns Perry White into a raving lunatic desperate to see Doomed pay for his crimes! We already see that he's a superhero that people think is a villain. I bet he winds up being a photographer too!

Speaking of which, the kid begins the story thinking it's cool that he has an archenemy. But how can he have an archenemy if they're both the good guys? That's not an archenemy, asshole. That's a misunderstanding!

Doomedsday almost kills Alpha Centurion with his acid breath and then runs from the police as his Aunt Belle calls the cops maniacs for shooting at the monster melting the world with its breath. She's in love! Doomedsday crashes into a warehouse, transforms, finds some clothes (which I guess he's going to have to do a lot in this series), and heads back to the scene of the crime where he meets up with the psycho cops and his roommate.

Oh God. Roman? So the roommates are archenemies! I mean, they're in a misunderstanding!

Just in case you aren't a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader like me and the less-than-subtle naming of the characters Roman and Alpha Centurion didn't make you realize they were one and the same, the final page ends with Roman's shadow and Rieser's shadow looking like Alpha Centurion and Doomedsday.

One last note: Roman wears a scarf and says he's fabulous which is code for "Scott Lobdell wants you all to know he's writing a gay character."

I cannot wait for Doomed! This comic book is going to be awful!

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