Convergence: The New Teen Titans #1

Why are these assholes so fucking happy?

I hope Wonder Girl's husband Terry makes an appearance. Hell, I hope he's the Goddamned narrator!

Fuck. The first page after opening the cover has Wonder Girl staring longingly at a picture of her and her husband so I guess he didn't make it into the dome. Which means, if any of these characters continue to exist in DC Continuity, Terry will be dead and gone. Was that DC's plan for bringing back a bunch of old characters? To bring them back but without their past romantic entanglements? Was this entire Convergence thing a plan to fridge every superhero's loved ones?!

"It's been a year and my last recording was just a few days ago, so let me catch you up on shit from months and months ago because I guess all of my previous recordings were about how surprised I was that Cyborg and Changeling hooked up. P.S. Thigh gap game on point!"

Dick and Kory are currently out fighting crime using rocket jet hang gliders loaded with weapons. I guess that technology is realistic enough for it to have kept working after the dome dropped unlike silly techno-bullshit like Steel's cyborg body or Arsenal's robot arm.

Meanwhile under the dome in the Tangent Universe...wait a second! Is Marv Wolfman allowed to write about the characters inside the other domes?! Anyway, the Tangnt characters, whoever the fuck they are, get to react to Planet Brainiac's message. It's a good choice by Marv Wolfman because how can I bitch about the way he's portraying characters if I don't know how the fucking characters should be portrayed? Although it's a bad choice because I'm not interested in them at all. Who is?! I don't remember a time when the comic book world was abuzz about the Tangent Universe.

In case anybody has forgotten, Kory is a violent hot head with a tragic past! She vowed never to be caged again and yet this entire last year, she was caged by an unknown threat. Some people read this and probably think, "Oh! Poor Kory! How terrible that she had to suffer this way?!" I read this and think, "Yawn." It's always the same thing with Kory! Dick keeps her in line because humans are ethically and morally superior to Tamaraneans. But then somebody tries to restrain Kory and all of her past trauma comes back to her and she beats everybody near to death like a wild animal (also known as a Tamaranean).

I can't wait to reread my New Teen Titans comic books so I can remember exactly why I disliked Dick so much but after typing up that last paragraph, some of it seems to be coming back. I think he was trying too hard to be Batman at times while keeping his team together while forcing them to fall in line with his model of behavior. It's like I was reading the Dick Grayson still trying to prove himself and get out from the shadow of the bat. But then I walked away from comic books for a number of years and returned to find Dick Grayson a confident peer of The Batman. He was no longer the ex-sidekick Dick Grayson. He had become his own man. Or I'm just remembering it all wrong and I hated Dick because of who I was twenty-five years ago.

Starfire notices her powers are back and blasts the shit out of the guys that just murdered five people. But she doesn't kill them because she doesn't want to hear her husband (Kory and Dick were married under the dome) lecture her on why it's not right to kill. But Changeling and Cyborg don't seem to realize they have their powers back yet because Changeling is still a monkey and Cyborg is still acting like he's falling apart. At least he hasn't been in bed and hooked up to life support all year like Steel.

You can try making him a crystal butt plug!

It turns out the Tangent Universe characters are the most uninteresting version of the Doom Patrol ever written. Unless that version was the 2004 John Byrne version.

The Doom Patrol attack Vic and Gar while making sure they yell their name loud enough for Gar to hear so he can cry, "Mama?!" and then let the tears roll.

The Titans and the Dumb Patrol battle for a bit before the Dumb Patrol flies off to rethink their plan. They don't want to battle to the death. They want Cyborg because he is a power source they can use to return their city to Earth so they can time travel so they can change the future so they can save billions of lives. Oh, comic books!

When did Dick become a Promise Keeper?

The Teen Titans have plenty of time for Teen Relationship Drama even though, I mean, are they really teenagers anymore? How old are these cats?! Half of them are married and the other half are not married! It's crazy that they'e all involved in marriage at such a young age by either being in it or not in it!

The issue ends with Firehawk and Nightwing breaking Planet Brainiac's rules!

Hey now! No surprise team-ups between heroes from different domes! Rules violation! Rules violation!

I don't want to be one of those comic book fans but how is Firehawk's network connecting to Nightwing's network? Also, how did Firehawk find Nightwing's contact information? Also also, how did Firehawk even know Nightwing's name? And how has Cyborg survived all year with his comic book technology? And how many women had sex with a green monkey during the last year? That last one was just for my own curiosity.

Convergence: The New Titans #1 Rating: Did anybody else see what was going on in Nightwing's pants? Holy fuck! Does he store gadgets down the front of them?