Convergence: Wonder Woman #1

If this comic book is going to be accurate then they must portray Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman as a character nobody seemed to be able to make interesting.

The previous caption may not be true since I never read any Wonder Woman before Crisis On Infinite Earths. I also never read any Wonder Woman post-Crisis or Pre-Zero Hour or Post-Zero Hour or Pre-Final Crisis or Post-Final Crisis or Pre-Flashpoint. I mean, obviously I never read any because I'm a guy and guys can't understand female protagonists even when they're written by male writers. Just imagine how confusing reading Simone's Wonder Woman was for a male comic book reader!

This issue was written by Larry Hama who I instantly assumed I had never read anything by. But his name seemed familiar enough that I asked Lord Google about him. Lord Google passed me off to Princess Wikipedia who pointed out that I had read many, many, many, many super-duper short stories by Larry Hama on the backs of the G.I. Joe Action Figure cards! He also wrote the G.I. Joe comic book series by Marvel so I'm sure I've read the occasional comic book from that line as well. I never collected it but across my early years before collecting monthly books, I read an odd assortment of comic books that fell into my hands. I remember quite a few G.I. Joe comic books just prior to my starting to really get into comic books.

With all of that experience writing G.I. Joe, Larry Hama should be a natural at writing Wonder Woman!

That was a joke, nerds! Now somebody is probably ready to tell me that he edited Wonder Woman as well as Welcome Back, Kotter because they'll have forgotten that Princess Wikipedia just told me everything there is to know about Larry Hama! I'm allowed to make stupid, ignorant jokes, you know! I may not agree with everything I say but I'll die for the right of me to say those things!

This issue is called "I Sung of Chaos and Eternal Night" because peeeeee-yuke! What am I reading? John Keats?! Samuel Taylor Coleridge?! Percy "I Can't Believe My Name is Percy" Shelley?! That other guy that wrote about that abbey and shit?! You know the guy! The one with the obnoxious name! Wordsworth!

Consulting Lord Google, I wasn't even close, really. The line is from John Milton which is even more PEEEEEEE-YUKE! than I thought because I actually kind of like the romantic poets. But Milton?! Fuck Milton! Although we kind of have Milton to thank for Nick Cave's "Red Right Hand," right?!

I should read more about the poem this quote is from so I can instantly understand this story before even reading it!

How many of you are familiar with John Milton? Here's the first couple of lines from the poem which this quote is from just so you can also peee-yuke and scream, "Fuck Milton!", right along with me.

Hail holy light, of spring of Heav'n first-born,
Or of th' Eternal Coeternal beam
May I express thee unblam'd? since God is light,
And never but in unapproached light
Dwelt from Eternitie, dwelt then in thee,
Bright effluence of bright essence increate.

Pardon me while I peeeeeee-yuke! again! Although after reading the rest of the poem, I'm kind of feeling like a jackass because I think the gist of the poem has to do with his having lost his sight and never again being able to see the glorious light and the sheep and shit. Although I feel a bit redeemed by his arrogant ending about how, since he can't see all the cool shit we can see, he's allowed to have all kinds of glorious and poetic insights that us "sighties" can't appreciate because we're too busy looking at vaginas and penises. What a jerk! I have poetic insights all the time and I can see kittens and flowers and everything!

Before you heterosexuals begin wanking to this, that's Steve Trevor! I know, I know! I jerked off a little bit to it too!

Steve has been pouting for the last year and Diana has been helping people in the east end slums of Gotham. Plus she's been walking around in her underwear a lot.

Is that a positive depiction of spirituality? When people are confronted by something they can't comprehend, they seek comfort in the incomprehensible!

Wonder Woman has been providing what comfort she can to the dying residents of Gotham. Since all the morphine and pain killers are gone, she's helping old, dying people join cults so they feel comfort in wacky-doodle nonsense. Aww! That's so sweet! It's a good thing Batman doesn't have this job! Unless dying people take comfort in being told nothing but unending darkness and silence await them in the grave.

Diana's friend Etta Candy who I don't know but I love her delicious name believes that angels will one day come down and lift the Dome from Gotham. She's sort of right. Angels? Planet Brainiac? Who's to say one is different from the other?

Speaking of Planet Brainiac, he gives that speech that I read every time even though I was already sick of it after Convergence #0.

I might be a believer if more priests put their Holy Sticks where their mouths are. As opposed to putting them where the altar boys' mouths are.

The leader of the cult prepares to throw Diana in the oubliette that is a fixture of all churches, right? But before they can throw the unconscious Diana in the hole, one of the cult members discovers Diana's Wonder Woman outfit in her bag. That's when they really begin to freak out! They even resort to horrible words like "Satan" and "witch" and "idolator." They probably think words like "slut" and "whore" too but they don't want to overstep any lines.

Etta Candy rushes off to find Steve Trevor while Diana is tied up with her own lasso and thrown into a deep, dark hole. Well, that's it for Wonder Woman! No way can she get out of her own lasso! Or climb out of a deep hole! And what good will Steve Trevor be? It's not like he has a jet on hand!

Why the rush? I'm sure there's time for a little Hide The Strap-On Sausage Deep Inside Steve Trevor's Colon. I'm sure there's also some kind of pinata fucking joke I could make about Etta but I'm not as clever as John Milton.

As Candy and Trevor rush off to save Damsel Princess, the barrio boys watch as vampires come flying into their city. I hope they're current on their vampire lore!

Hey old people! Remember when we weren't completely inundated by vampire stories? Sure, we had Salem's Lot which was scary as fuck. And Lost Boys which was silly but we all had to pretend it was super cool. And Fright Night which had Roddy McDowell so how could you not love it? And Anne Rice was resting on her laurels with that whole Interview With A Vampire book that not a whole shitload of people had really read because it was sitting on the shelves with that God-awful cover on it. Remember? Let me see if Lord Google remembers.

Okay, this isn't horrible. It's actually kind of representative of the book. Definitely not misleading because the book is more fancy-pants than horror. It's actually the back cover I was remembering!

Yeeesh!

I guess the design worked though because I remember wanting to read the book but my mom didn't think it was appropriate for me. But those images stuck with me and I eventually saw the book again when The Vampire Lestat was published and they reworked the design on the covers.

Anyway, Diana saves herself because she wasn't tied up with her own rope at all (although she would have gotten out of that even easier). She realizes she once again has the powers of an Amazon and busts out of the rope and most of her clothes. Woo hoo! Just to be clear: I'm woo-hooing for her near-nakedness and not her fantastic escape.

Meanwhile the cult members receive some new guests.

Dumby! Angels don't need to be invited in! That's vampires! Did you not watch Fright Night!?

The cult members are slaughtered by the vampires from Vampire Gotham City. But it happens off panel and no women have sexual thoughts so this comic book can retain its Teen Rating. Steve and Etta stumble onto the bodies and are confronted by the vampires! It's Vampire Joker and Vampire Poison Ivy and Vampire Catwoman! Scary! And sexy! And more sexy!

Wonder Woman arrives to save the day but not before The Joker flies off with Etta Candy. I think the final page of this issue will be Etta stepping out from the shadows all vampired up!

The couple splits up. Wonder Woman rushes off to stop The Joker while Steve Trevor remains behind to be killed by Ivy, Catwoman, and the newly vampirized cult members.

Close enough!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #1 Rating: Yo Joe! I liked this Convergence issue! Now you know and knowing is half the battle!