Convergence: Catwoman #2

This cover made me Teen Plus in my pants.

DC Comics has decided that all of their stories they've ever created exist in the current continuity. But there's a catch! The New 52 is the cherished, most loved continuity baby of them all and it's that universe that will continue to exist after Darkseid and The Anti-Monitor finally put their penises back in their pants. The New 52 characters are the ones which editorial will treat with kid gloves. Those are the comic books, barring the "big shocker changes" happening between issue #40 and #41 of many of The New 52 issues, where the status quo will continue to be king. But the characters in Convergence don't really matter now. They're ghosts. They are now living the swinging, carefree lifestyle of Elseworlds characters. And you know what that means for Catwoman, right?! She's finally going to get Batman's letterman jacket.

But first she has to have sex with old, stuffy Kingdom Come Batman before she can crack the new spine of pre-Zero Hour Batman. Or post-Zero Hour Batman. I forget what time period these characters are from. I guess it doesn't matter that much if the characters are pre- or post-Zero Hour. Unless that character is Hank Hall.

Kingdom Come Batman has come to Metropolis to fuckfight Catwoman. I hope it winds up being a tie. That would be romantic. And sticky.

No matter how sexy artists try to make Catwoman's black suit, this purple one does something extra special to my Teen Plus.

Catwoman figures the only way this team-up is going to end in sex is if she and Batman work together to defeat Telos. But with all that armor covering up his body, Batman doesn't realize that he's supposed to have a boner right now. Catwoman was sitting right on top of him! That's like the universal signal that somebody thinks you're a compatible sexual partner! Or a chair!

Mannheim, leader of Intergang, shows up to kill Batman since Catwoman seems a bit distracted by Batman's heaping amounts of justice. Mannheim throws armored Batman through a glass window because this Batman's reactions are slower than normal due to being armored and really fucking old. It's also possible that Batman saw a huge, unbroken glass window and couldn't help throwing himself through it. That leaves Catwoman to take down Mannheim alone which is the proper way to write this story. Mannheim is Catwoman's sowing to reap.

"Power Source" is an acceptable answer! I would have also accepted "face."

After defeating Mannheim, the residents of Suicide Slums emerge with more firearms to put Batman in the ground and save the city. Seriously? Now the poor and downtrodden get some initiative! Conservative zing!

Catwoman steps up to deliver her Oscar winning speech where she says, "Wherever there are robotic world conquerors. I'll be there! Wherever there are timelines being written out of existence. I'll be there! Wherever sidekicks aren't allowed to return from the dead after an acceptable amount of time, I'll be there! Wherever a Batman needs a sweaty break from fighting justice, I'll be there! Wherever armed citizens of Suicide Slums threaten my Batman, I'll be there!" Then Batman says, "I thought you were going to go with the 'shoot your own dog' speech!" Then Skartaris blows up and rocks the world.

"An accident"? I think the words you're looking for are "poor aim."

Then Catwoman dies leaving the saving of both cities to Batman. I guess that's supposed to be a heroic death to save everybody. She's a Catmartyr. She's been giving everything she has to help these people and, in the end, she finally runs out of things to give. Or the last thing she has to give is Batman and who wouldn't want a Batman? That's the way I'm sure Justin Gray wants people to read this story. But come on! What Catwoman fan isn't going to read this and throw it against the wall? Why the fuck is Catwoman giving up her life to save Batman in her own comic book?! I know technically she's saving everybody by giving up her life but I'm trying to be angry at how the message of this comic book is blatantly sexist! Especially when Batman peeks under her top after she's dead. Really, DC?!

Convergence: Catwoman #2 Rating: Catwoman and Batman were supposed to fuck in this series. But they didn't so this series failed. But it didn't just fail! It super-failed by killing Catwoman so that Batman can live! What kind of message are you sending to little Catgirls? They're only worthy of elevating a man to a position where he can change the world? They can't do it themselves?

How many Catwomen does it take to change a lightbulb?

One! As long as her death motivates some guy into realizing the room needs a new light source.

Divergence: Gotham By Midnight
"The Midnight Shift is in danger from both its members and the rest of the GCPD! In a deadly new Gotham City, does the paranormal really still pose a threat?"

The Midnight by Gotham Sneak Peek is more like an advertisement for readers that missed the first story arc than it is some short story bridging the big changes happening between the pre-Convergence issue and the post-Convergence issue. We're introduced to Jim Corrigan who keeps the Spectre in check. There's Dinah Drake who's part-Banshee. There's Doctor Tarr who speaks Ancient Gibberish. There's Lieutenant Weaver who keeps the Midnight Shift in check by demanding every receipt. And then there was Sister Justine but I think they need a new nun for Issue #6 because I think Justine died or something. They're the team Batman (Commissioner Gordon in Armor version) calls when Gotham has ghosts! After that, he calls his lawyer to make sure nobody is going to sue over putting "call" and "ghosts" in the same sentence.

The main thing that has changed is the art. Ben Templesmith is gone so the look isn't going to be as creepy and spooky as it was previously. Juan Ferreyra is on both art and color so they'll keeping the same basic painted style. Juan's lines are a lot more slick than Ben's though. And the characters have actual hands instead of everybody having claws, which is kind of a disappointment. Ben's style was a major part of this book but I think Juan's more polished look might actually garner more readers (no matter how wrong and shallow those readers are).

I'm not knocking Juan at all! This stuff really looks gorgeous! I just think Ben Templesmith's style was a huge part of the personality of this book.

And that's my comic book art critique for the year! Coming up next: one thousand commentaries about a visual medium without a single reference to the art!