Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #1

I can't wait to find out what shape Plastic Man has been stuck in for a year.

It's been well established over the last four weeks of Convergence titles that shapeshifters were stuck in whatever form they were in when the domes dropped. And since Eel spends 95% of his time as a ludicrous shape, he's bound to have spent the last year in a ridiculous fucking manner. I bet he's a patriotic butt plug for Uncle Sam.

The Freedom Fighters (and Plastic Man!) are going to have to battle the Futures End robot heroes. Those Futures End guys already have one win under their belts because they destroyed the Stan Lee DC creations! They can't be stopped. I mean, if the Freedom Fighters defeat them after forty-eight issues of the normal DC Universe heroes never even coming close to winning, I'm going to sue DC Comics for $144.00. We can sue for more if anybody wants to put together a class action lawsuit!

I'd forgotten that about 75% of the previous Convergence books I've read showed Plastic Man shackled to a wall when Telos gives the cities a glimpse of their opponents. And that's how this issue begins. Plas and the Freedom Fighters are in a Nazi prison and, just outside their cell window, some Nazis are building a gallows to hang them all. Luckily Uncle Sam is nowhere to be seen so he's probably going to mount a rescue! Or maybe he's just busy recruiting more bodies for his war.

This issue is drawn by John McCrea and written by not Garth Ennis. It also doesn't star Hitman.

No, I know about the dome. Get to the Nazis!

If this city is run by Nazis, why should the Freedom Fighters fight for its continued existence? I suppose Uncle Sam will ask his fellow fighters to fight for the one or two innocent people still living in the city. Like Abraham trying to convince God not to destroy that place where he goes to fuck prostitutes every weekend, Uncle Sam will try to save the city by negotiating with his team. Too bad their opponents are the Futures End cyborgs. Even the third smartest man on Earth couldn't stop them!

Plastic Man recounts the days leading up to the dome falling on the city. The Freedom Fighters had a plan to lure the greatest Nazi superhero into New York City so that they could beat his ass and strike a blow against fascist socialists everywhere! So they captured the Nazi leader of New York, shoved a bunch of hot dogs up his ass, and duct taped him to a blimp.

He's a despicable Nazi that's committed many war crimes, so are we still supposed to be angry about the Freedom Fighters anally raping him with sausages? I'm a bit unclear where I should stand on that. Wrong? Right? Justice?

Is it ever okay to anally rape somebody with a hot dog? What if they previously anally raped somebody with a hot dog? Then it's justice, right? If you had a time machine, would you go back in time and stuff a Vienna Sausage up baby Hitler's ass?

I'm going to have to put a trigger warning for hot dog rape on this commentary, aren't I?

As the Freedom Fighters battled Silverghost, the dome fell and everybody lost their powers. Silverghost got away and the Freedom Fighters went into hiding. The Nazis took control of the city and everything fell into a nice, comfortable Nazi regime. Everybody lived happily ever after. Nicht!

Uncle Sam is a Goddamned Hippie!

I think I'm almost to the part where they get their powers back right before they're hanged!

I am! I am! Except they get their powers back while in the jail cell. And I didn't have to read Telos's fucking announcement this issue! It's a Nazi Miracle!

The last page of the story actually has a little bit of the speech on it but since it was the last page, I had already been tricked into blowing my wad about not having to read it. Now I feel dirty. Here's the last page of the comic that isn't really part of the story but a glimpse at next month's issue:

You can try to hide your hippie locks under that hat, Sam, but I know they're there now!

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #1 Rating: Once again, an issue where the writer, Simon Oliver, spends one issue basically telling a Plastic Man story (featuring the Freedom Fighters) and ignoring the whole Convergence aspect of the book. Kudos! And I'm always glad to read a comic book drawn by John McCrea. And who doesn't love Nazis?!