Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Convergence: Superboy #2

Who didn't want to do this to 90s Superboy?

Superboy has been sitting on my scanner for about five hours as I keep coming up with other things to do rather than read this comic book. I don't think I'm in the mood for angsty teenage bravado! But I guess I have to get on with it if I want to read Convergence: Green Arrow #2.

Come to think of it, I don't want to read that one either.

Last issue ended with Superman challenging Superboy to act like a Superman. It was completely in character for Superman to act like a gigantic asshole. Actually, being that this is Kingdom Come Superman, it might be! I don't think it is because Magog is the asshole in that comic book. Although wasn't Superman retired because the government frowned on masks? Wait, was that Watchman? And at what point did Parliament blow up?

You know what I should be paying more attention to? The Eisner's! Did you know there was a category for Best Comic Book Journalism? I should have been rallying support for write-ins! Yesterday I heard that I did get one write-in vote! So I'm almost the best comic book journalist!

Currently in this comic book, Superman is hitting Superboy with a plane. It's the kind of image that makes comic book fans go, "Holy heck! Awesome!" But intelligent, pipe smoking, slipper wearing critics like me raise up one finger and say, "A-ha! But how does Kingdom Come Superman, no matter how strong he might be, hold and swing a plane by the tail without throwing out his back? He's an old man, by gum!"

Last issue was narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex. This issue continues to be narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex! He's some weird Satyr-like being with telepathy who probably has loads and loads of sex. I've read enough ancient literature to know that horns are a symbol for erect penises. If a creature has horns, look out! Mostly look out for its huge erect phallus.

Speaking of huge, erect phalluses, I bet in the time of Benjamin Franklin, men walked around with pitched tents all the time and the ladies just had to shut up about it.

Superman doesn't understand youthful passion, does he? He just hit Superboy with a plane! Why would Superboy care about anything this jerk said?

Superboy uses his tactile telekinesis to throw a plane into Superman. Now that they're even, maybe Superman will be all, "Heh! You got me! Okay, son, let's work together now." And then Superboy will be all "Don't call me son!" and he'll throw the airport at Superman.

Listen to your own stupid advice, Clark! I think this is that "do as I say, not as I do" crap parents love to pull.

I'm all for doing as I do while I say to do differently. It's the cool lifestyle choice of cool people.

Superboy doesn't give up because Superman tells him to. Why should he? Superman hasn't given him any reason to believe he's a good guy. He began the entire encounter by being a condescending dickhole. And then when Superboy chose not to submit to this asshole, Superman began hitting him with planes. Eventually, Superman escalates things by doing that thing that we all knew wouldn't go well when he finally did it: he calls Superboy "son." Superboy reacts by throwing Superman halfway across Metropolis. That's when Kingdom Come Flash arrives to punch Superboy in the face fifteen thousand times.

How does one know when something "almost" hurts? REM should have called their song "Everybody Almost Hurts".

Dubbilex and Serling run a computer simulation to determine how much of Metropolis will be destroyed if Superboy and Superman continue to fight. The result is "all of it" and "in thirty minutes." Their computer program is as dubious as the narration! Are they taking into account that Superman would never destroy Metropolis by battling for thirty minutes against Zod? I mean Superboy! It's patently ridiculous! And trademarkedly nonsensical!

Red Robin and The Flash evacuate the civilians from around the Superfight which already makes Dubbilex's computer model faulty since they programmed it to include The Flash in the fight. But now he's saving people! That probably means Metropolis has at least fifteen more minutes before it has Superboy-sized holes in the sides of every building. And then that Convergencequake hits which really screws up the computer simulation! Now the city probably only has ten minutes before it's rubble!

If you want to stop fighting, stop fighting! Batman Almighty!

Now that Lois has shown up, I bet they all hold hands and sing "All You Need is Love"! If I had been in The Beatles, I would have gotten laid so many times! But also, I would have called the song "All You Need is Onion Rings."

Lois decides to get an interview with Superman in the middle of the fight so when she gets brained by a piece of rock thrown at Superman by Superboy, I make sure to point out to everybody around me that I have no sympathy for her and she shouldn't have been there and I told you that would happen.

One of my favorite exploitation videos of all time back when Fox loved to air those television shows of people's near deaths caught on tape was one with an Australian school group hiking above a canyon. The teacher is filming and he's got the camera on two girls heading out on a tiny, dangerous looking path. He's yelling at them not to go out there when suddenly the ledge gives way and they begin tumbling into the chasm. He follows them with the camera and as he films it, as they're falling to possible death, he yells, "I told you not to go out there!" What an asshole!

The Flash takes Lois to the hospital where Superman prays they find she has amnesia so he can insinuate himself into her life. After she's gone, he decides to lecture Superboy and point out that if they're going to defeat the mysteryious Telos, they have a better chance if Superman wins this fight than if punk-ass Superboy wins. Superboy doesn't throw himself in front of a bullet like Catwoman does (spoiler if you haven't read Convergence: Catwoman #2 yet! Don't read that previous sentence!) but he does agree to take a few shots from Superman until he's knocked unconscious. According to the cover, Superman strangles him into unconsciousness! Sexy!

Ha ha!

After Superboy is knocked out, Jimmy Olsen steps in to take a humiliating picture of him for the cover of the next edition of The Daily Planet. Is everybody in this comic book a huge asshole?

Convergence: Superboy #2 Rating: I wonder if Justin Gray and Fabian Nicieza read each other's books and were all, "Hey! You got your dick butter in my choco-vagina!" They basically both came up with the same idea. They were given the task to write a match-up where they believed it was more heroic to show their character lose. At least Superboy didn't have to die! Although Lois might still die! I guess Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis is going to be short a few dozen women when this is all said and done. This issue garnered Five Rebellious Attitudes out of Ten because Superman chose to fight but kept blaming the fighting on Superboy. Take responsibility for your actions, Jerko! You could have beat Superboy without ever even throwing a single plane at him!

Divergence: Action Comics
"The epic new storyline 'Truth' begins! For Superman, there's no more holding back!"

Oooh! Doesn't this sound exciting?! A comic book where Superman doesn't hold back? What is this? The nineties?!

Here's the thing, Greg Pak and my good buddy Aaron Kuder whom I once met: I want Superman to hold back more! He should be holding back so much that he never sells another comic book because all of his encounters are so boring! If Superman were written correctly, he'd be a box office disaster! Why can't anybody write the best, most boringest Superman?! Because they're all cowards, that's why! They don't realize that I'd still support a boring Superman. I mean, I wouldn't read or buy any of his comic books or go see any of his movies. But I'd give him good reviews!

This Sneak Peek begins with Superman in Alaska. I guess he's gone to find himself as well? Is he going to drink whisky out of a dead man's anus too?

Superman is probably trying to get home. I guess editorial has decided that the Fortress of Solitude is in the Arctic this month as opposed to the Antarctic. Superman's powers are fading and he can't fly so he's riding a snowmobile. He's also being attacked by Shadow Ninjas!

Ever since Superman discovered his FWASH Power which drains his normal powers, every single writer has decided to write him without powers. And I guess everybody decided that he doesn't just lose his powers for one day. No, now he loses his flight for an unknown amount of time and his other powers have gone completely wonky. I guess DC Comics decided, yet again, that reducing his powers makes him more interesting. Superman's powers are like a sine wave over time. DC will reduce his powers because they think he's too boring when he's all-powerful. Then they realize that he's just not the same striking symbol without being the most powerful hero in all of comics, so they give him back all of his powers. Then they decide that nobody wants to read a guy that can't be beat, and they've all read the guy without powers that still fights the good fight, so they turn him into a stream of electrons or something crazy. I don't know! All I know is that DC Comics truly has no idea what to do with their most iconic character.

Batman is not the most iconic! He's their most popular character! Stop arguing with me, internet!

Superman still has enough power to kill all of the Shadow Ninjas since they must have just been Burnt Stick Golems or something. Then bleeding and freezing, he walks the rest of the way to the Fortress of Solitude.

But the Fortress doesn't recognize him and steals his clothes to leave him to die naked in the Arctic.


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