Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #1

Supergirl is so lucky she got domed.

This convergence bullshit doesn't make any sense. If Supergirl was domed before Crisis on Infinite Earths, how did she die during Crisis on Infinite Earths? DC Comics! I demand you provide readers with Return To Infinite Crisis On Infinite Earths One Final Time Hour and fix this bullshit! I'm so sick of your universe not making any sense! How am I supposed to figure out which super hero can win in a fight against another super hero if your continuity is all fucked up?! The most important thing in my life is being able to logically explain how Blue Beetle can kick Ambush Bug's ass through the transitive property! How can I do that if I can't make sense of your universe?! I'm so confused! I'm off to read Marvel.

*disappears for fifteen minutes*

Holy shit. Um, I'm sorry, DC. Your universe is just fine the way it is.

This issue begins with Marv Wolfman writing it so it already has three strikes against it. And there were already two outs. And the ballgame had been over for a week already anyway.

Supergirl and Superman are hanging out with Lucius Fox in the Batcave.

The city has limited supplies of everything but Batman is still able to finagle extra parts for backup. I bet he's hoarding all of the morphine and sour candy too.

Pre-Crisis Gotham City is just full of the best superheroes! Batman. The Flash. Superman. Supergirl. Those other ones. So many!

Lucius has developed a helmet that I can't explain very well. Lucius is trying to build a Phantom Zone Projector but he doesn't know how. But since Supergirl saw the Projector when she was little, she should retain memories about how it was built because that makes no sense but this is a comic book so just go with it, asshole. While Supergirl wears the helmet, she watches Lucius place random parts beside each other. When two parts come together that were part of the projector, the lights on the helmet glow green. When he places two parts that don't go together near each other, the helmet glows red. So basically the helmet will be red for the next twenty years as he jams random pieces of technology together.

Is it really universal? You'd think at least one race in the universe would realize that red and green are stupid colors to use to indicate yes and no due to colorblindness. But then that might just be a fault in human genetics. But then that makes it even dumber that Lucius, a human, is still sticking by red and green as indicators. How about using an LED display that says "Correct!" and "Wrong, you stupid piece of shit!" instead?

Lucius gets lucky on his second placement of the crystal and the Phantom Zone Projector is ready to go! Now he just has to send Superman and Supergirl into the Phantom Zone where they can walk until they're past the edge of the dome and then come out of the Zone! It's a brilliant escape plan! Except as soon as Lucius sends them on their way, Planet Brainiac drops the dome. Whoops!

Oh! Oh! Is this issue entitled "Gorilla Warfare"?! Please please please please please!

Supergirl and Superman explore the Phantom Zone searching for a way out. While they fly about, Supergirl is all, "Remember how my dad built a dome over Argo City to save it from the death of Krypton and your parents?" And Superman is all, "Weep weep weep." And Supergirl is all, "Maybe that's what happened to Gotham! Somebody domed it because Earth and the Kents were destroyed!" And Superman is all, "Blubber blubber blubber blubber."

Superman gets tired of crying so he changes the topic of conversation. Next Superman is all, "I'm so logical and smart but you aren't which is why I admire you. You're emotional and more emotional." And Supergirl is all, "I don't know what to say, dick." And then they're attacked by prisoners of the Phantom Zone who despise the House of El even though it was Jor-el who saved their lives and gave them another chance if only they could get out of The Phantom Zone. Too bad every time one of them breaks free of the Zone, they decide to squander their second chance at life and attack Superman instead. Idiots.

See? Idiots. Every single one of them.

Supergirl beats up the four prisoners that followed her. She then finds vents of a special Golden Age gas that shows a person their past and future. It has to be from the Golden Age because it's so ridiculous.

Streaky!

Supergirl sees the cover to Crisis On Infinite Earths #7 and freaks the fuck out. She's going to die without ever having known the unsatisfying sexual exploits of a human male!

Kara cries over her virginity for a few hours before realizing that Superman should have caught up with her by now. So she flies off to rescue him. Or to hold his dead body in her arms while she screams at the harsh randomness of existence.

Supergirl finds the prisoners standing around her unconscious cousin making the biggest mistake of their lives.

I mean after the mistake that got them arrested and put into the Phantom Zone in the first place. Probably called Jor-el a nerd to his face.

Supergirl begins taking out the Phantom Zone prisoners one by one and leaving them in a mass grave.

What the hell is that guy wearing? A Kryptonian Censorship Bar?

Supergirl rescues her cousin and flies back to the Golden Age Gas Pit. A rupture appears in the sky but as she's flying toward it with Kal, the criminals ambush her. They delay her long enough for the rupture to close. Now they'll never get back in time to take part in Gorilla Warfare!

Meanwhile back in Pre-Crisis Gotham City, an army of gorillas have invaded. And with Superman and Supergirl trapped in the Phantom Zone, there are no heroes left in Gotham to stop the damn dirty apes! Except for Batman. And The Flash. And all of the other ones.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #1 Rating: This issue didn't have a title. I bet Marv Wolfman wanted to call it Gorilla Warfare but editorial nixed the idea because how many times has that stupid pun been used previously in comic book history? Like twenty at least! Although maybe next issue will be called Gorilla Warfare! That's more apt since the apes just invaded on the final page!

Here's my real review: 6.5 Goblets out of Lots of Goblets.