Convergence: Batman and Robin #2

One of these two characters is the greatest character Grant Morrison ever created.

If you're a big nerd and just love to be a huge pedantic jerk-face, you're probably chomping at your Cheetos-covered bit to point out that technically Grant Morrison didn't create Damian Wayne. The technically in that is important because obviously Grant Morrison created the character! Denny O'Neil created a world in which Batman had a son with Talia but that was just off-canon, semen-covered pablum. The semen is the important part of that descriptor because it seeded Grant Morrison's vagina mind and got it pregnant with Damian Wayne. I'm glad pedantic jerk-faced nerds don't know anything about sex or else they'd get all pedantic about me saying a vagina can get pregnant!

Last issue, Damian met the Red Hood for the first time. Unless he didn't. He seemed not to know that the Red Hood was previously a Robin because he got all heartbroken that Batman would treat the guy like family. It's also possible, since I know nothing about the Pre-Flashpoint years (except that Grant Morrison wrote a lot of shit I should probably read), that Damian was using that "treating this strange jerk like family" line because he knows it's Jason Todd under that mask. He's trying to tell Batman, in the only way he knows how (by being a little asshole), that Batman is a shitty father who loves dead kids better than alive kids, and he doesn't even love dead kids that much if they return from the grave. People without their own opinions are the easiest people to deal with. And you know how many opinions dead people have, right?! No wonder Bruce loves his mother and father so much. They were only able to fail him once. Imagine how much more angst Batman would have if he had to grow up as a teenager around them?!

Last issue ended with the C-List Extremists challenging Batman, Robin, Red Hood, and Scarlet to a battle. But Batman is all, "We don't fight just because somebody told us we fight. But we will fight to defend our lives which is kind of the same thing but at least it's on our terms. So there."

Okay, they sound like poorly written siblings. They must know each other.

Has anybody ever had their breakfast peed on? Why would anybody even assume that happened when they meet somebody in a bad mood? Aren't there more unlikely reasons that a person is annoyed and disgruntled in the morning? I would assume that they're still just getting over the intrusion of reality on their dreaming life. Waking life is the worst part of life. It takes me at least eight hours after waking to acclimate to it.

After all the living dolls are destroyed and the Extremists join the fight, the dialogue really gets interesting!

Scarlet really nails her big line!

I think somebody is writing this Marvel style! You know, that's where Ron Marz hands a "script" to Denys Cowan that looks something like this:

Page 1-4 or something: The Bat-family is overrun by Carny's living dolls.
Page 1-10 or something: The Extremists join the fight and everybody fights.
Page whatever to whatever: The fight is resolved and stuff.
Page the last pages: Damian and Batman almost hug. That should be clear but if you have any questions, text me! I'm going to go blow my fat Convergence money on hookers now!"

I've read that panel with Scarlet and, um, Meanstreak? about seven times because it's so awful. I keep trying to make it sound clever by stressing different words, or imagining they're having sex. It's especially terrible since this is only the second time Scarlet has even gotten to put words in a word balloon. She's an enigma wrapped in an enigma encased in an enigma!

How did Ron Marz once make Wizard's List of Hottest Writers?

Why even have Batman say anything if he's just going to stand there asking their names? Why is he doing that? Has he forgotten who they are after getting punched in the face a dozen times by Brute? Is this Batman's way of showing disappointment that they haven't taken care of their rivals yet? Wouldn't it be better if he just said nothing?

Actually, the Extremists don't live by the rules at all which is why they destroyed their homeworld. Which also means they probably make the rules since nobody else was left to make any. Unless that's just Lord Havok's job, and then Death Angel is being as honest as she can.

When I first glanced at that panel, I thought Damian was laughing at what Death Angel was saying. Then I read Death Angel's dialogue, saw that it was incredibly boring, and realized Damian is simply laughing at Jason Todd getting his face slashed off. That kid is a dick, isn't he?!

The action only gets more incredible as Brute recovers and attacks Batman before Damian or Jason can answer him. As Brute grabs Batman's cape, Batman says, "You again." It almost makes me quit reading comic books once and for all. But then Damian Wayne calls Carny fat (again!) and I go so far past quitting comic books that I'm back to reading them again! Red Hood kicks Death Angel because he can't grapple with her or punch her because he's holding a gun in each hand. If he's not going to shoot her, he really should put the guns away. And finally, Scarlet pulls out a teeny little knife and says to Meanstreaker, "That's a knife! This is a knife too!" She probably should have pulled out her blade earlier before her face got all slashed up.

You know, I think I have a comic book from way back called Scarlet. Wasn't it about vampires? Is this that Scarlet? Is that why she doesn't say much? Vampires don't say much usually. At least that was true before Ann Rice got her hands on them and then, oh boy! Stop whinging on, Lestat! Just accept your life as a vampire and stop being such a fucking baby! Even Louis who is far more likeable and kind accepts his Salem's Lot in life! Anne wrote Interview With a Vampire in which Lestat and Louis seemed to say everything that needed to be said. But then fucking Lestat couldn't stop going on and on about how life fucked him and he needed his own book. And still that wasn't enough because we still had to hear about how Lestat was his own worst enemy and constantly drove away everybody he loved in Tale of the Body Thief! That's about where I stopped reading so if Lestat was still rolling around in his own piss and misery, I, for one, wasn't reading any more about it.

Batman allows himself to get the lower hand with Brute so that Damian and Jason will work together to save Batman. Then Batman is all, "Good jorb, guys! Did you hear how I pronounced 'job' as 'jorb'? That was me kidding around with my sons! You're both my sons and I love you a lot! Now let's fight these bad guys together!" And Jason Todd and Damian Wayne hug and then go running into battle holding hands.

Scarlet must have died while the kids were helping Batman.

Throughout the entire comic book, Carny goes on and on about playing and games. It was only now, about eighteen pages in, that I got the hint! Hey! This guy likes playing games! Ha ha!

Brute grabs Jason and Damian just as the Convergence Earthquake hits and shakes the old building apart and turns Gotham into a no man's land. Probably. Brute falls off the building but Damian grabs Jason's hand and falls off the building and then Batman grabs Damian's hand and doesn't fall off the building, even though he's crying his eyes out because Jason Todd said "dead in an alley." What an unfeeling asshole!

After the fight, Batman asks, "Are either of you hurt?" See, that's supposed to be a call back from last issue when Damian did not ask if Batman was hurt when he obviously was very hurt. He's teaching his son how to be a man! Or maybe he's actually asking if either one is emotionally butthurt because he showed more love for one or the other during the fight. Also, he doesn't ask if Scarlet is hurt because he's all, "Who is Scarlet? Was somebody else fighting on our side?"

Scarlet ties up all the bad guys while the Bat-Family watches. I guess billionaires and their families are too good for the blue collar work of cleaning up the crime scene. Dicks.

See, Batman? Hugs aren't lethal.

Well! I'm glad Jason Todd is over the whole "I was killed by The Joker and you didn't kill him at all afterward so you must not love me!" thing he was suffering from. And Batman found the ability to do that move where you immobilize a criminal but you just do it softer and people feel comfort from it. Nice jorb, Batman!

Superman stops by to rub his father and mother in Batman's face. They don't hug because that would be totally gay and the paparazzi might be watching and then the headline on some rag sheet will be all, "Batman and Superman...Bat butt buddies?!" And then Superman and Batman will have to be even more cautious when they fuck in the sky. But they leave each other on good terms because they're both dads now and they have no idea what's going to happen after Convergence ends. I wonder if even DC Comics knows?

Convergence: Batman and Robin #2 Rating: This issue wasn't as awful as the first issue although it was 90% fight with horrible dialogue thrown in. Nobody really acknowledges Scarlet and the final panel with Batman, Robin, and Red Hood completely leaves her out. Did I just imagine her? The final few pages were a bit rushed but that was fine. This whole Convergence thing is about leaving characters in a completely different place than they've ever been (or haven't been for a long time). So Batman and Superman are accepting their changing roles as fathers and realizing they have a new responsibility to the world. Damian and Jason have a grudging respect for each other. And Jason Todd has let the past go so he can hang out with daddy. This issue deserves 6 Dead Parents in an Alley out of 10.

Divergence: The Omega Men
"For 200 years the Citadel has controlled the worlds of the Vega star system. Millions have resisted. Millions have died. Billions have surrendered. Six fight on."

Did The Omega Men really need to be rebooted? Does anybody think they'll accidentally strike gold again and create another rock star character like Lobo? I have my doubts! I also have my doubts that this series will be interesting!

I think Tom King, the writer, came from television, right? I could ask Lord Google but fuck him. We're fighting right now because I asked him for an innocent search term and he returned row after row of erect phalluses. Jerko! Anyway, the opening scene is quite cinematic and done in that "Keith Giffen/Brady Bunch" style. It starts with a robot and a probably cat person and a big broot...er, brute in a robe setting up a set for a ransom video. Or a cutting off the captured person's head video but I think DC Comics is probably thinking twice about publishing touchy stuff like that right now.

Okay dammit. This is a good set-up for the series. I'm in.

I hope Fox News doesn't get a whiff of this and portray it as a pro-ISIS comic book!

The man in the hood is Kyle Rayner which makes me hope the beheading is actually going to happen! No, no! I'm just kidding! No wait! Kidding about beheadings is probably worse than actually beheading somebody! And kidding about a fictional beheading is probably worse than that! I take back everything I said forever and completely apologize and will now think whatever thoughts won't offend anybody forever.

Kyle came to the Omega Men with words of peace from The Citadel. At least, that's what Kyle thought. But the history has proven that these negotiations are full of lies and betrayals. Kyle may have thought he was negotiating peace but he's just caught up in a conflict that can only end with one side's complete destruction.

Oh. There's the cat person!

Tigorr goes to slit Kyle's throat but the tape goes all wonky the way VHS tapes were wont to do in the time before fire was invented. So Kyle probably didn't actually die at all. He's probably going to join the Omega Men and help them defeat The Citadel. That's cool. Dead or not dead, Tom King just got me interested in The Omega Men and Kyle Rayner.

Holy fuck this Divergence comic was heavy. Beautifully put together. Nicely done, Tom King. I hope the Convergence Weekly lives up to this eight page mini!

P!S!: Never mind all that stuff where I confused Tom King with Jeff King. I probably should have consulted Lord Google! Also I should remember names betterer.