Friday, May 8, 2015

Convergence: Hawkman #1

The chances are upwards of about 98% that this will be the best Hawkman comic book since The New 52 began.

I hit the comic shop on Thursday this week and found that Speed Force #2 was missing from my subscription box. They were sold out of the comic on the shelves as well. And even though Fastback was going to show up all those other speedsters and save the day, I don't find I have enough interest in hunting down the comic at another shop. In other words, this may be my excuse to scale back on reading DC Comics! I'm finally missing an issue so now I won't feel bad if I miss yet another issue, or another, or twenty others! I'll finally have time to pursue that other thing I might be interested in if I could just muster enough energy to be interested in something else!

On a related note, if anybody wants to donate Speed Force #2 to me because they just can't live without reading my immature take on the story, I'm more than willing to accept such a generous offer.

Let me try and predict what's going to happen in this issue! Hawkman is going to appear before a crowd of protesters and say, "How dare you protest this great country?! You're all worthless no-good pieces of Communist shit! Nothing is more offensive than burning an American flag! Not murder! Or illegal wars in foreign countries that get young men and women killed! Not government corruption which keeps the masses downtrodden and in poverty! Not institutionalized racism or intolerance! How a person treats a specific inanimate object is the sole determiner of a person's moral compass!"

Jesus Christ! Hawkman has nothing to do with the American flag and yet I've gotten myself all pissed off at defenders of the stupid thing! It's a fucking piece of cloth, you zealots! How about fighting to protect the rights of actual citizens as fervently as you want to protect a colored rag?! Assholes.

Currently riots are breaking out in a certain section of Gotham that isn't the same section where Wonder Woman was dealing with cults or where any of The Outsiders were helping rebuild. It's a big city!

The lead rioter proclaims, "If you come from the shadows, follow me!" So I guess he's The Shadow Thief but without his powers, right?

I'm about three panels into this comic and I'm already bored. Hawkman isn't any fun unless he's arguing with Green Arrow!

I wonder if Hawkman has ever glanced quickly down at his wiener and stabbed himself in the throat with the prongs on his mask?

After Hawkman and Hawkwoman stop the riots, they return to their job at the museum to be lectured by an old man that insists they take their jobs as curators more seriously. He insists it's the best way to help the city by keeping a sense of normalcy. The museum director is delusional. Especially since his dinosaur exhibit is basically a bunch of papier-mâché dinosaurs instead of skeletons. And Shayera is giving lectures on King Shark's father, Kauhuhu. Kauhuhu is Hawaiian for Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark.

Shayera's lecture is about mythological entities that are half-man and half-animal. She ends her lecture by donning her wings and flying around the room because everybody was falling asleep. Actually, they were starting to get pissed because she began talking about Batman and we all saw how useless he's been in Batman and the Outsiders. Nobody trusts the heroes to help since they haven't dismantled the Dome.

I see young Edgar Allen Poe made it to the lecture.

The next day, Hawkman and Hawkwoman seek out the headquarters of the Thanagarian Shadow Rebels. To protect the headquarters, the rebels send out the Manhawks.

Sigh. Yes. Manhawks are apparently a thing. It's like a comic book writer took the time honored supposition that the best villains are twisted opposites of the heroes, put the least amount of thought into it, and came up with Hawkman's opposite: the Manhawk! They're birds but...get this!...they've got the heads of men!

The fight is tense and disturbing. Wait, did I say tense? I meant tedious. In the end, the Hawks win! The mostly human hawks, not the mostly hawk hawks!

I feel really old when reading comic books and I don't find the action sequences thrilling. I want more talking and sitting around in comfortable chairs!

The Hawks discover the Thanagarian Sleeper Cell has turned their warriors into a huge Absorbascon! That means something important! The Absorbascon allowed them to glimpse past the Dome and into their future (or their old future before being kidnapped, anyway). They have learned that they're on a planet beyond the "boundaries of the universe." They've also managed to see the effects of Crisis On Infinite Earths. But all this information hardly matters since as soon as the Hawks learn it, Planet Brainiac mentions his plans for a Battle Royale. And that's where this issue ends! Parker doesn't even reveal who the Hawkpersons' enemy is going to be! What a rip off!

Convergence: Hawkman #1 Rating: Even though I found this comic book as uninteresting as every other Hawkman comic book I've ever read, it was better than anything Tony S. Daniel or Rob Liefeld wrote!

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