Saturday, May 16, 2015

Convergence: World's Finest #1

Who the fuck is this guy?

The issue begins with this little vandal drawing Superman's picture in some wet cement and signing his name: Scribbly. He's Narration Boxing like a modern character so he must be a genius comic book character way ahead of his time. Although he seems to be about five years old while having his first memory. I don't remember my first memory because I'm an idiot. I think it was when I had super hot sex for the first time at like two years old. That might not be sexy from your point of view but it is from mine! Also it was totally consensual so don't go assuming I was abused or anything that might make me look less like I'm not lying about having had sex and at a totally early age because I'm such a lady's man.

This was 1940 when strange adults were allowed to smack little kids committing acts of vandalism so I imagine Scribbly's second memory was getting the tar beat out of him by the two cement layers standing nearby watching him fuck up their work.

Forty years later and it's 1980! Scribbly is now an editorial cartoonist (specializing in super hero jokes) and still a virgin! It's okay to call him a virgin because it's a fact and not an insult. Some facts just seem like insults because they're so embarrassing. But that's you projecting Scribbly's embarrassment onto him. He wasn't embarrassed about not ever having sex with women like he always wanted to because he would just lie and tell everybody that he totally had sex and started having sex at two years old like a manly toddler man.

Scribbly was not just an editorial cartoonist but also a reporter for the Metropolis Piece Of Shit Gazette. He was also the janitor and the night watchman. He loved his job and loved superheroes. But most of all he loved...he loved Metropolis!

Five years later, Crisis on Infinite Earths began threatening Earth-2 with destruction. But Scribbly kept right on scribbling!

Scribbly was also kind of stupid in a lot of little ways. He might even be able to take over Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm!

Vigilante runs the "river horse" into a brick wall and it is knocked unconscious. That's when Scribbly is kidnapped by Pterodactyls (which means, I think, Screechy Winged Barbecue). Green Arrow and Speedy leap to the rescue. Green Arrow fires a bunch of explosive arrows to rattle the Pterodactyl so it loses its grip on Scribbly and Speedy shoots a net arrow to catch him. Except Speedy really fucking screws up. He screws up so badly that the net is ineffective and Green Arrow and Speedy himself fall off the building they're firing arrows from. What a jerk! Worst sidekick ever!

It also could have been the earthquake that screwed up the rescue attempt. But who's to say that Speedy didn't cause the earthquake, hmm?

Sir Justin and his trusty Pegasus (which means, probably, "stupid jerk that doesn't know horses can't fly") swoop in and save the Scribbly's day! But he can't save Green Arrow or Speedy's day so they just fall on the street below and die. It's totally hilarious.

And then the dome fell. Victory the Pegasus lost her wings. Excalibur lost its razor sharp edge (unless Sir Justin's sword's name was Stormbringer). And Sir Justin himself began to age. Because he's like 2000 years old or something.

After the dome fell, life went on. Just like in all the other Convergence issues! Scribbly kept doing editorial cartoons and not all of them featured a comment on the dome.

Some dealt with dying heroes! This one is particularly humorous.

Scribbly noticed some people gave up their jobs as meaningless now that the dome had fallen. But not him! He knew his job as an editorial cartoonist was important! He says, "My old art teacher taught me that cartoons created laughter and laughter was the best medicine...". I bet! That cartoon where Stripesy lay dying was a laugh riot! And the one he drew of a tombstone with the word hope on it? Hilarious!

But then one day while Scribbly is off flirting with Victory, the dome fell! Victory's wings returned! Excalibur's blade grew sharp! Sir Justin became young and sexually virile again! And Scribbly was already thinking of a hilarious cartoon about the dome disappearing and a lone tear dropping from Superman's eye as he flies past an eagle tap dancing on Hitler's grave!

And then...SURPRISE!...Telos! Boy, I thought it was going to be different this time.

Sir Justin and Scribbly are the world's finest?

I bet Scribbly comes up with a hilarious cartoon which causes Telos to laugh for the first time! He then changes his mind and saves all the universes. No, not really! Scribbly will probably just die.

Convergence: World's Finest #1 Rating: We don't get characters like Scribbly too often nowadays, do we? Or characters like Ma Hunkel's Red Tornado! Is that a good thing? Probably. I think I'm going to take over Scribbly's job as an editorial cartoonist! And heres's my first cartoon:

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