Friday, May 22, 2015

Convergence: Harley Quinn #2

I'm eating Carrot Cake right now, so I think I know who I want to win.

How many times have you gone to the library and suddenly realized, "Why am I drunk in a library?" Well no more! From now on, my comic book reviews are going to be so full of reviewer goodness that you'll wonder why you even bother to cultivate your own opinions!

Am I supposed to read the comic book before I actually review it? I've been doing this incorrectly for three years, so I don't know exactly what I'm doing. This will probably be how I'll feel when I have sex for the first time. I mean, ha ha! That was fiction! As a writer, I'm allowed to tell lies because it brings out the greater truth of the world. And the greater truth is that I've done it like infinity times and every time I do it, it's like doing it for the first time. Remember how incredible the first time was? I totally remember it like it was yesterday! Except it wasn't yesterday! It was, like, when I was twelve or something! But oh boy! Remember how great that first time was?! I mean, if you're male. If you're female, remember how incredible the time was when you finally decided to have sex with an older guy with experience who didn't premature ejaculate all over your clothing as soon as he saw you look directly at his cock? I'll leave the following paragraph blank for people whose first times weren't heterosexual because I don't want to erase their experiences by not writing about them at all because I can barely make up my totally real and believable first hetero experience, so I probably shouldn't even attempt to make up a first time experienced by other sexualities!


This issue begins with Pig Iron being teleportated into Multiversal Thunderdome by Alley Kat-abra so that Pig Iron can warn Captain Carrot about how crazy his opponent, Harley Quinn, really is. I think "Pig Iron" is some kind of old fashioned pun that none of the kids or the hip young cats understand anymore. Or is that "hep young cats"? This modern slang is tough to keep track of! I mean, this modern slang is of which tough to keep track!

Kal Kan was a kind of pet food! Who is writing this comic book? Mister Old Person Von Oldestperson?

Mister Oldestperson is actually doing a really good job of making me believe that these characters came out of a pre-1985, pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths universe. So that's a positive thing to say in my review! That means the comic book is doing well so far and I'm only on the first page! Do I start giving it stars right now? Is that how people get to three and a half out of ten star reviews?! I'm going to give it half a carrot for making me roll my eyes and check the year on the calendar. Good work, Mr. Oldestperson! I truly believe that these characters are from a time before things were interesting.

From now on when this comic earns or loses Review Carrots (those are like stars but bunnies are interested in them), I'll just add a note in parentheses like this: (+1). That one doesn't count! Plus I'll assume that all comics begin with Five Whatevers!

Pig Iron runs into Harley Quinn whose profile looks like a sexy rabbit so he obviously mistakes her for Captain Carrot. (+1)

"No squealers" means either Harley doesn't want Pig Iron telling Captain Carrot about her or she's not going to do it to him in the butt without his consent.

Harley smashes him into bits because Pig Iron is apparently a robot. That's the pig part of him. I mean the iron part! Dammit. I had a fifty percent chance to not screw that up and I did! Now I wish my backspace and delete keys weren't worn out from all of my previous backspacing and deleting!

Harley Quinn writes a message for Captain Carrot on the wall in Pig Iron's oil: "Rabbit Season." I don't think Harley Quinn watched enough Bugs Bunny cartoons! She should not be willingly taking the role of Elmer Fudd in this battle! Now the issue can't end any way except with Harley shooting herself in the face with a shotgun.

I bet there's a scene where Captain Carrot says, "It's Clown Season!" And Harley says, "Rabbit Season!" And Captain Carrot says, "Clown Season!" And Harley says, "Rabbit Season!" And Captain Carrot says, "Rabbit Season!" And Harley says, "Clown Season!" And then Harley will shoot herself in the face.

Captain Carrot mutters, "You shall be avenged, old buddy," to Pig Iron's corpse which is weird because they're cartoons and Pig Iron will be just fine. Heck, when I turn the page, his head, torn from his body and lying in a pool of oil, will probably answer Captain Carrot with a "Thoinks good buddy!"

Get it? I said "thoinks" instead of "thanks!" Just the way a pig would say it!

After Captain Carrot says that think about avengeance, the comic book reverts to one hour earlier. I hate when comic books do that (-0.5!). But I guess we need to see how Captain Carrot got to this point. We know how Harley did! She ran out of medication, began talking to invisible fish, was told by her friends that she couldn't defeat a costumed rabbit, and then probably pooped on the coffee table before running from the room with her mallet going "Yoik yoik yoik yoik yoik!"

Check out the Amazing Fetish Crew in the top panel! I had to say that because you probably didn't notice it being that you're probably not as good at reading comics as I am.

Here comes Harley pleasantly accepting the role of Elmer Fudd! She's not very bright when it comes to cartoons. Although Captain Carrot is the good guy, so I guess Harley is doomed to lose no matter what. It's not like that coyote that was really a crazy clown ever caught the roadrabbit, right? She's destined to lose. And not only lose, but have horrible things happen to her! Running into cliff walls with painted on tunnels. Acme safes falling out of the sky. Shotguns. Lumps of tea that aren't sugar at all! The good guy and the rabbit always come out on top!

Harley lies to Captain Carrot and tells him that she has a whole bunch of super powers that she doesn't actually have. The only super power she has is Pants on Fire. Unless the arena they're fighting in is like the Roller Playing Game "Toons" where the combatants can pretty much do anything they can think of. Back in the Zoo Crew Universe, the New Zoo Revue Gang are trying to figure out a way to help Captain Carrot.

Remember that show New Zoo Revue? It was so creepy! It was this gay guy and his beard and they lived in a village with a gigantic mutated owl, a juvenile delinquent frog (also giant and mutated), and a prissy hippo with the biggest nostrils anybody has ever seen. It had a theme song that went something like "It's the New Zoo Revue! Coming right at you!" That was always my cue to dive behind the couch and pray.

Meanwhile funny stuff happens that you wouldn't believe if you didn't read the comic book and you were too cheap to buy it and you expected me to tell you all of the jokes but now are sorely disappointed in my story telling skills (+1)(+1)(+1)(+0.5!).

People say that tight clothing leaves nothing to the imagination but if you've never seen a naked woman before, you better believe you'd be imagining a whole lot of different stuff! Like what does a lady's pee-pee look like and how come in tight clothing I can't see the outline of it?!

After Harley (and Steve Pugh because he's the writer and a traitorous unloyal jerk because of the thing I'm going to point out after the parentheses close) says, "I wish Animal Man were here. Hey, I wonder if anyone's ever said that before?", Pig Iron appears out of a Alley Kat-abra's magick portal. The comic book catches up to how it started except it shows one important scene that's probably important if you like your Harley dangerous but not mean to animals: Pig Iron is teleported back to Zoo Crew Revue World by Telos's robots because he wasn't supposed to participate in the battle. But he peed a little oil and dropped his belt buckle when Harley hit him with her hammer. It's his urine that Harley uses to write Rabbit Season on the fence.

Harley and Captain Carrot wind up on the roller coaster when that mysterious earthquake hits. The tracks crumble, sending them (and Harley's fish, Mister Mackeral Cakes) to their tiny deaths. Tiny deaths is a euphemism for being unconscious, right?

The tiny deaths don't last very long though.

Oh my god! I just realized Harleen is a doctor! And Captain Carrot is a rabbit! So is he going to say it?! Is he?!

Harley says, "Hey, what's up?" That's as close as DC's lawyers would probably let them get, I guess.

So later, Catwoman, Harley, and Ivy team up again to travel the world in a florist's van. Also the earthquake hits while they're leaving so I guess the earlier rumble was simply the roller coaster falling apart because Harley smashed some structural supports with her hammer.

Convergence: Harley Quinn #2 Rating: 9.5 Review Carrots! Hello my baby! Steve Pugh can write jokes! I always knew he was funny because have you seen his art? HA! Burn! And a zing! That was a burnzing! Now that I'm doing actual reviews, maybe I'll get a blurb in a trade paperback! Hey DC Comics! I said one of your comic books was good! You can quote me on that! My name is Grunion Guy! With two "G"s! I'll give you my bank account information when you're ready to pay me for using my blurb!

Divergence: Section Eight
"Befuddled hero Sixpack returns to Gotham City, desperate to rebuild all-star team Section Eight -- the greatest super heroes of all time, unseen since t end of the hit series Hitman!"

Yay! Yay! So many yays! Section Eight is back! And they're probably going to save the world from Darkseid! I can't wait to see Darkseid with dogs welded onto him as he's thrown out of a window after his honeymoon with Bueno Excellente!

The Sneak Peek begins with Dogwelder sneaking out of the Gotham City pound with a sack full of dogs ripe for the welding. As he's leaving, he runs into some wannabe newbies just itchin' to be members of Section Eight!

Unless they're trying to make a name for themselves by killing Dogwelder!

I don't think they're cool enough for Section Eight. Look at these heroes!

Okay, maybe Guts will make the cut.

Powertool asks Dogwelder what happened because he seems to remember hearing that Six Pack and the others all died. I guess he doesn't realize DC Comics had a Reboot! That was like a dream now or something. Although Hitman is still dead according to Batman and Robin #27. Unless it wasn't really that clear! I do keep hoping Tommy returns as well.

Grapplah gets too up in Dogwelder's face and Powertool asks too many questions and Guts, well...look at him! Ew! So Dogwelder gets them to leave him alone the only way he knows how: by welding dogs!

I hope there isn't a sudden rash of dogweldings or DC Comics will be up the courtroom creek!

It's a good thing we had this prologue to Section Eight! I was worried that Dogwelder was stealing living dogs from the pound and welding them to people. It's comforting to know he's just using the ones murdered by the pound. I wonder if he'll get an archenemy in this series: Catgrafter!

This is going to be the best comic ever published.

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