Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Convergence: Justice Society of America #1

Hey DC! Aspiring comic book cover artist here!

For those of you who don't know who the Justice Society of America are (or is?), you should probably ask the internet about them because my explanation will involve, as my stupid editor pointed out, "a lot of ageist bullshit." Because they're fogies!

Speaking of old things that don't matter anymore, whatever happened to outie belly buttons?! Do those things still exist or have doctors stopped trying to yank the umbilical cord out of the baby until the baby's guts are practically hanging out and then, forever after, whenever the baby that isn't a baby anymore takes off its shirt, people begin puking their guts all over the place? I suppose the only reason I never see them anymore is because grown up life isn't like an elementary school playground where people run around lifting their shirts up all the time. Well, most grown up life isn't like that. Maybe outie belly buttons become innies as a person grows up and can afford plastic surgery?

Now my editor is saying that I can't judge outie belly buttons because it's a medical disfigurement due to blah blah blah blah! You're fired, editor! How did you like reading that, hanh?! I bet if you weren't fired, you'd be telling me I can't tell you you're fired! But you are! So there!

Whenever somebody online calls somebody else "gross," I always picture that person as an outie belly button.

Doctor Fate looks pretty cool from the waist up. But what's up with the nappies? Is Nabu not potty trained?

Jay Garrick's pants are pretty tight. You know who else had tight pants? Jack Tripper. Because of Three's Company, I can perfectly picture Clifford's cock in my mind's eye.

That opening page was five hours after the comic book starts. When the comic book begins, Jay Garrick is an old man and Alan Scott is a radio DJ. I don't know who I feel worse for.

Jay has come to the hospital to visit Kent Nelson who is also old but he's in a coma. I'm envious of Kent Nelson! I wish I were in a coma! What an easy life!

I guess Kent's helmet doesn't work under the dome. I bet he was wearing it when the dome fell and that's why he's now in a coma. Or it could just be because he's so old. He looks to be about a hundred and two.

See?! Jay gets it!

Jay leaves Kent and heads off to climb up a fire escape to a roof where Hector and Carter Hall (Silver Scarab and Hawkman!) are having a boring conversation about the dome. It's mostly boring because the art is just shots of an old guy and a young guy standing around potting plants. Once Jay makes it up the fire escape, Hector takes off so the old guys don't have to look at his young, well-muscled, probably thick cocked body and pine for the good old days when they still had some good old days ahead of them. The old fellas head inside to drink some tea and speculate as to the sexuality of Alan Scott.

Eventually they get a phone call from Alan Scott saying that Kent Nelson has opened his eyes. They all head down to the hospital to be together when Planet Brainiac calls them to the carpet. Is that the right saying?! I wish I had an editor!

Writing on the internet is tricky. I want that last paragraph to remain as it is but it really makes no sense if I'm on the internet and I can actually check to see that the statement isn't right for the situation. I leave myself open for the "Let me Google that for you" crowd to call me out on the carpet. Jerks.

Before the speech even finishes, a Qwardian Robocop comes flying into the city to bust it up. I guess since these are boring old guys, they need to fight a boring old Qwardian robot. Speaking of old guys, weren't there any women in the Justice Society of America? Hawkwoman? Wonder Woman? Um. Some other one?

Stupid magic. Who needs it if it has such high costs?! I thought magic was supposed to be easy and free. Stupid comic book rules.

They all agree because being old men sucks.

Convergence: Justice Society of America #1 Rating: No wonder comic book companies think that kids don't want to read about adult superheroes. I'm an adult and I don't want to read about old men superheroes! Which is weird because when I was a little kid, old men were my favorite people in the world! I guess I'd still find old men as interesting and fascinating as I did back then except that they now remind me of my mortality. When an old person talks to me, I just hear, "Blah blah blah empty expanse of non-existence blah blah blah." Jerks! Take your hard candy and stop threatening me with eternal doom by your mere presence alone! Other than being slightly boring and existentially threatening, this issue was decent.

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