Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Convergence #4

That bald guy on the left should be fighting and not masturbating furiously.

It's Warlord! It's Warlord! He makes a snickity sound!

Hmm. That's all the energy I have for that song. Anyways, I've seen Warlord in ads in a bunch of old comics but never once have I read one of his comics. He must have been popular because his comic ran for eight years or something. I should ask Lord Google so I can go back and edit that statement to be precise so that I can drop the "or something."

The comic lasted 133 issues which makes my guess off by three years! That's even more impressive than my first impression! Just imagine if Tony S. Daniel had been drawing it! It probably would have lasted another ten years! Plus the whole 90s comic book art vibe could have begun much earlier! Look at this cover! It's full of grit and action and well-muscled wank material! I'm feeling so adult just looking at it! So very, very adult!

This issue begins with Telos holding Dick in his hands like a baby bird that has fallen (or been pushed by some asshole cuckoo (like The Joker! More apt! Pretend the "fallen" part was in parentheses instead!)) out of its nest. He's been Killing Joked which means he needs to become the new Oracle because it's about time a man had the job. Goddamn women have been trying to take men's jobs ever since men beat and raped them into second class citizens so long ago. How dare they try to change the natural order of things?! Remember how God made woman to be man's servant? No wait. I don't think you do remember if you're thinking of only the rib thing. In actuality, God tried to fix Adam up with every fucking animal in the world before he thought of creating a female variant of man.

Genesis 2:18-20: "And the Lord God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him."

So don't try that fucking "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" bullshit on me! Seems more like it was "Adam and every animal on Earth that God tried to set him up with!"

I understand people will interpret the previous Biblical passage in whatever way they've learned to interpret it by the dogma of the church. But I'm just reading it the way it was written! God says he'll make Adam a help meet and then precedes to introduce him to every animal ever. Afterwards, Adam is all, "Dude. None of these interest me." So that's when God makes Eve out of one of Adam's ribs. Seems pretty clear to me that God doesn't mind bestiality.

Also, I just realized it might be purposefully misunderstood by some jerks that I might be equating homosexuality with bestiality in that previous digression! Well I wasn't. So there.

Join? I thought they were just the guest judges?

Telos sets Dick up with an organic metal suit to help him with his newly shattered spine and to make him less like Oracle and more like Broken Bat Batman. Was that ever an action figure? That should have been an action figure. Or at least an accessory to a Bane figure.

Meanwhile in Skartaris, Val-zod mentions how he doesn't kill unarmed men. Don't worry, Val! That'll change soon enough. I remember when you wouldn't even punch somebody and now you're a violent whirlwind of fists and feet.

Skartaris must have been one of the first cities Brainiac collected and placed on Telos because he completely fucked it up. It's not domed. It's in the center of the planet. It's got a plan to return everybody to Earth. How is it that Telos can't see what's going on deep inside of him? It's like he shoved Skartaris up his ass and simply forgot about it. Or was too embarrassed to get help dislodging it.

Time must flow differently on Skartaris if Warlord just noticed Skartaris moved. Or maybe Warlord just isn't very observant.

Back on the surface, Dick Grayson begins questioning Telos's plan. Will it become up to Dick Grayson to save everybody by being the nice guy? Will he convince Telos that it will be more fun if Telos lets them all survive? Maybe he can also convince Telos to save the universes that go along with each of these cities and let them all exist in this place that is no place and in no time! Then DC Comics can eat all of their cakes while also having their cakes uneaten too!

Do all ideas have value, Dick? Do they? What about this Convergence one you're trying to stop because it has no value?! How about when a male child is born, we begin removing their penises and surgically attaching them to their foreheads? Does that idea have value? What about a parallel reality where rape jokes actually are funny? Value or no value?

Beneath the surface, Deimos has ditched his new friends to search for the Time Masters. Yolanda has followed him because the Twofers don't trust him anymore. That'll happen when you decide to align yourself with the first person you meet on a strange planet. Deimos offers to tell Yolanda all about Telos and his plans and how to defeat him but Yolanda is an idiot. Instead of gathering information from Deimos, she decides to try to kill him instead. Yolanda would be a terrible gamer. This shit is all about timing, Yolanda! Even if you think Deimos needs to be killed, you don't simply try to kill him at every opportunity. You wait until you have to make a move against him. Right now, he was offering you information! Take it and then maybe try to kill him. Or take it and join him! Or take it and masturbate upside down while picturing Snorlax naked and being anally fisted by Meowth while his payday power rains money all around them. Do anything you can think of but do it after you've learned what Deimos was going to tell you!

Deimos easily defeats Yolanda and then he defeats Shakira, Warlords's cat and/or girlfriend. He then begins draining the Time Masters of their powers so that he can use the power to take over the multiverse.

Telos and Dick Grayson arrive in time to see Deimos use his new time powers to convene a meeting with the real Brainiac who is still trapped in a uSphere.

Now I have the I Dream of Jeannie theme stuck in my head.

Convergence #4 Rating: It's weird. I sometimes have to wonder why I've been doing this comic book blog for the last three and a half years. I'm definitely not as passionate about comic books as most comic book fans. I realized when I glanced at this cover and knew it was by Tony S. Daniel that I don't ever remember being so into comic books that I could normally do that. Sure, I could recognize some of the most obvious cover artists of the time. Simon Bisley, for instance. You know, I could recognize the covers that any true comic fan would scoff at and mutter, "Obvious!" Passionate fans remember the issue number of comics that meant something to them. I remember, vaguely, the title of a series that I once read that had a story that I kind of remember enjoying. What I'm trying to say is why am I doing this blog?! There are so many other people better suited to a task like this because they actually remember the last thirty years or more of comic book character histories! I remember everything that happened in Elfquest and Cerebus and Shade the Changing Man and that's about it. The rest is just blurry, vague impressions of stories I either liked or didn't like. Even Suicide Squad which is my favorite "masks" comic book, I can only recall a handful of moments that have truly stuck with me.

So why am I doing this? Fuck if I know. I just know that one of the things I truly love about comic books is the never-endingness of it all. The stories just keep going and going and the heroes persevere and survive and keep on keeping on and there's something magical in that which feeds my need for something eternal, no matter how illusory. Plus there is a lot of punching and pretty pictures!

Anyway, Convergence earns five out of five Who Gives A Rat's Asses.

No comments:

Post a Comment