Sunday, May 31, 2015

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #2

Don't judge my art skills! I had a cat on my lap and did this one handed on a touch pad.

This Convergence series has Azrael in it so I'm already tuned out. Let's see if I can make this commentary interesting for myself and utterly offensive to everybody else.

This issue is called "Home is the Sailor" because Larry Hama is cuckoo whacko. I wonder if I asked him nicely if he'd write a back of the G.I. Joe Action Figure card style biography for me.

On second thought, I'd like one with less grammar errors and a better Code Name.

This issue begins at some point hours after last issue ended. Wetworks are hunting Azrael and Batman in their home town of San Diego (which is going to disappear before the earthquake hits according to Aquaman!). But you know what they say when you try to hunt Batman?! Batman hunts you! Do they say that?

Anyway, Batman hunts them! The members of Wetworks have names like GI Joes which is probably how Larry Hama got this gig. Although I don't know how he got the Wonder Woman gig. Probably because he wrote Scarlet and Lady Jane and Cobra Commander so well.

Don't we all, Batman?!

Wetworks somehow realize immediately, possibly through smell, that Batman does not kill. Batman realizes immediately, possibly through his half-hearted boner, that Dozer hasn't been kissed by very many people. Dane realizes, possibly through nerve receptors, that Batman wears hard boots.

Wetworks are really cool cats because they're part of the early years of Image where killing was cool. So they're like totally killers and kill everything and never die because they kill first. It makes for really exciting comic books that fits with Image's dynamic art style. It's all in your face and saying, "This ain't your mother's comic book company, nerds!" I think one of their slogans was "Are you an athletic athlete that drinks beer and scores with women? Read Image! We ask if you scored with women because we know women aren't interested in all of our big boobed, nearly naked characters that kill and kick ass. Chess sucks!" It was a long slogan but Wizard magazine printed it for half-price because the writers and editors at Wizard loved giving blowjobs to everybody at Image Comics.

Azrael has saved a kid named Damon who's a resident of San Diego. Now he and Batman are becoming friends with the kid and his mother which means they're going to have to save both cities. Batman already knew he was going to do that but Azrael is all, "Sharks! Now I don't get to kill everybody!" He probably added something in French after that because I think he's French.

Batman and Azrael are inside of an aircraft carrier when Wetworks goes after them. I hope while they're fighting they make cool references to it like "I'm inside an aircraft carrier! Now die!" Or maybe something cooler. I hope Larry Hama has put some work into the upcoming retort filled violence.

The first battle is with Mother One and is wrapped up quickly with no clever zingers.

"One lady cyborg buttoned up and ditched overboard" was as zingy as it gets.

Batman makes a joke later after encountering Dane and Dozer but nobody laughs at it. I think he was just amusing himself the way I'm just amusing myself while writing these commentaries. Let me show you Batman's joke through the magic of scanned images!

Here's Bruce's encounter with Dane.

And here's his joke! Get it?! Hand! Ha ha! Genius!

Bethany, the mother of Damon, Azarel's new friend, has a plan to defeat Wetworks without actually defeating Wetworks. Too bad the city is already doomed thanks to Deathblow being horrible at blowing death. I hope the battle at least has a few good one-liners that I can mention at the water cooler at work tomorrow.

I wonder if "Not nice to pound on ladies" will make me popular at work or just get me sent to Human Resources? How about this hilariously obscene line that Azrael drops: "We are standing on top of half empty fuel bunkers with their stopcocks open...." Ha ha! Stopcocks!

Wetworks chooses to surrender and work with Batman and Azrael instead of shooting Azrael in the face and hoping the grenade misses falling into the stopcocks. The city doesn't disappear when they surrender even though the earthquake hasn't hit yet. I guess Deathblow hasn't lost yet so Batman can feel good about the truce. If the entire city had disappeared after Wetworks lost, Batman might feel bad. But now he can go after Telos with Wetworks and they won't notice when the city disappears! Batman might notice Wetworks disappear. And I wonder if Wetworks will know what's happening as they phase out of reality? Will it hurt? I bet it's excruciating! They probably should have risked their lives on the grenade thing being a bluff. Idiots.

The biggest idiot in the entire story is the kid because he calls Azrael a hero at the end. Bah! Don't encourage him!

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #2 Rating: This issue earns Five Stopcocks out of Ten. It kind of felt like an issue was missing judging by the way last issue ended and the way this one began. But who cares, right? There was a full month between and nobody probably remembered anything about last issue anyway. I wish I didn't. I wonder if I get completely drunk in the next half hour, I can forget this entire comic book?

Divergence: Deathstroke
"The World's Greatest Assassin takes on the impossible contract to murder an Olympian God!"

Hey! Tony S. Daniel is getting writing help on Deathstroke now! I'm sorry to see that happen because the best part about reading Deathstroke is pointing out how most of it doesn't make any sense. Tony S. Daniel just writes a scene he wants to draw and then writes another scene he wants to draw and connects them with plot that he forgets entirely by the time he's thinking up the third scene he wants to draw which totally contradicts the reasons that the first scene led into the second scene!

And Peter Nguyen is doing the art which means Deathstroke is going to be a completely different experience than the first few issues. I liked when Tony S. Daniel drew it because we were assured at least two double splash pages per issue! Now the only double splash pages I can look forward to are the four or five in every issue of Wonder Woman!

How much can he really care when he doesn't even know his son's real name?

The distraction that takes place is the Teen Titans because Deathstork Deathstroke hasn't really battled them in The New 52 like he's supposed to. He fought the Green Team and he fought Lobo and he fought his children and he fought Stillborn and he fought hundreds of assassins and he fought his father and he fought Batman (sort of unless it was a dream) and he fought some other people probably. But he hasn't battled his arch-nemeses, The Teen Titans!

I thought the fight scenes would be more comprehensible than when Tony S. Daniel writes and draws but they aren't. Wonder Girl gets Deathstork Deathstroke tied up in her lasso but then he does something which makes her fall and Bunker hits a mountain and crushes himself in an avalanche which causes Deathstroke to not be tied up or on a mountain but in a jungle where he's attacked by a green panther. Totally following this. Easy peasy!

Oh! It was a simulation! That's probably why it made no sense. Lousy programmers!

The Spanish Inquisitor is giving Deathstroke a mansion with a Danger Room on a private island because Deathstroke might be valuable to the Dead Bastards some day. Plus he was broke and lost all of his hiding places early in the run because Tony S. Daniel thought that was a good idea. Also Slade is young again and loves looking at his testicles. But now danger is headed toward his island! I bet it's a god! Like the "How We Made This Comic Book Worse" blurb indicated!

Hephaestus shows up to give Slade a sword which he's supposed to use to slay a god. I suppose that's a loophole to the whole "only blood can kill blood" rule of the Greek gods. I guess if a god made the weapon it can kill a god. And I bet the god Hephaestus wants Slade to kill is Wonder Woman because she's getting all of the great big double splash pages these days!

I'm satisfied that Deathstroke is going to continue to be just as horrible as it was when Tony S. Daniel was writing and drawing!

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