Thursday, May 28, 2015

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #2

This looks like my high school friend I've mentioned multiple times, Soy Rakelson.

All of the Pre-Zero Hour characters from Metropolis have been losing so far this week. But Green Lantern is up against Princess Fern and the people of Electropolis. The only way he's going to lose is if he finds another girlfriend in the freezer and breaks down from guilt. Maybe that's the key to defeating Princess Fern! Kyle can start dating her and then page Major Force to let him know he's cleared some space in the fridge.

The other way that Kyle can win this fight is if Hal Jordan distracts Princess Fern by destroying her city while she's away.

The first twenty pages probably don't even matter. Kyle, like everybody else in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis, will surrender for the greater good. Then Parallax will freak out and begin destroying any city he can find. Maybe he'll find a version of Coast City so he can relive that triumphant moment.

Or he can come up with a stupid plan like this one.

The Prime Minister contacts Princess Fern and tells her to destroy Metropolis while its hero is distracted killing them. I knew it was a stupid plan! I wasn't just saying it was a stupid plan out of bitterness and spite that he came up with a logical plan that could actually work. Nope! I knew it would fail because it was so obviously stupid. Kyle Rayner is dumb.

Kyle figures his best bet is to try that thing where he tells Parallax that he knows Hal is in there and that, deep down, he still loves Kyle. But Parallax takes some time believing in himself because the comic book can't just be six pages long. Eventually Hal is hit with enough lightning bolts to provide him with electro-shock therapy. His mind is clearer and there's no long term damage at all! Probably!

Hal talks to Kyle instead of fighting him but ultimately comes to the realization (like everybody reading this comic book) that Kyle Rayner comes up with stupid plans and can't be trusted with the responsibility of defeating Telos. So Hal sends him back to Metropolis where he can, maybe at least, win the battle against Princess Fern.

Princess Fern doesn't know what a weasel is.

Princess Fern will never find out what a weasel is. For the first time in Multiversal Thunderdome, a city has been defeated! Parallax destroys Electropolis while Kyle is trying to stop Fern from destroying Metropolis. Telos makes an announcement that Electropolis has lost. Immediately afterward, Princess Fern and her entourage wink out of existence. That's too bad! Princess Fern was probably one person's favorite character! Ha ha! No, no. Just kidding! Nobody cares!

It's too bad for Princess Fern because Kyle was about to surrender. It's especially too bad for Princess Fern because the earthquake that means Telos is done with the game hits only moments after she's erased from all time.

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #2 Rating: This issue rates Five Cold Ethyls out of Ten! That means I found no reasons to dislike it but I also found no reasons to enjoy it. I'm like a real comic book reviewer now! I bet in about a week, I completely forget that I've been trying to rate the comic books with a totally arbitrary system that truly means nothing to anybody whose comic book preferences aren't exactly like mine.

Divergence: Twat Lobo
"Cosmic speakeasies, intergalactic drug dens and even exotic alien women can't distract Twat Lobo from his first love: bounty hunting!"

This is why Cullen Bunn writes boring comic books that rely way too heavily on Narration Boxes. It's because he's writing all of the titles! He's on Sinestro and Lobo and Lost Army and Moon Knight and probably more comic books that I don't want to read!

How come Real Deal Lobo wasn't lurking in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis, hunh?! He needs to come back and eat Twat Lobo's spleen!

Lobo is currently fucking the wife of the guy he's going to kill to lure the guy to him.

That is the same thing. "The way I see it, you do A, you'll get B. But if you do C, you'll get B!"

Standing there naked while the mark's wife stands naked behind him, Lobo lops the guy's head off with a knife. Blood is everywhere. It's quite the graphic panel. So this must be rated Teen Plus, right? Fuck no! It's a guy as the main character fucking some chick and decapitating a person. What's wrong with that? You have to save the Teen Plus ratings for books like Convergence: Catwoman #2 where she keeps her clothes on the entire time while flirting with Batman and then dies from a small bullet wound to the chest with just a small amount of blood.

People talk about bullshit sexist stuff all the fucking time on the internet. But the way DC Comics uses their Teen Plus Rating? That's actually sexist (even though the ratings don't mean anything). Seriously. Check it out yourself. The main reason a DC Comics will get a Teen Plus Rating is if it has a female main character who shows interest in sex. Decapitations like in Batwing and Batman and Robin? Doesn't earn a Teen Plus. Batwoman and Catwoman enjoy fucking? Teen Plus. Fuck you, DC.

Lobo blah blah blahs up the pages with Narration Boxes and then ends the story looking at his next bounty: Sinestro. I hope they kill each other.

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