Convergence: Crime Syndicate #1

Please let this be Jonah Hex versus the Crime Syndicate!

I bet Jonah Hex isn't even on the Fight Card on the inside cover since the Crime Syndicate isn't going to be from Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis! So this comic will probably be Earth-3 Siloportem versus the Watchmen Universe's Tuscon, Arizona.

Remember Rom? I don't. But in 9th Grade, it was my friend Aaron Crawford's favorite comic book. He's also the one who told me about Crisis On Infinite Earths and kick-started my meager comic book collection. Unless it was 8th Grade.

The fight in this issue is Earth-3's Metropolis against the 853rd Century Metropolis. That's the DC One Million cats, right?

This issue begins with one of the Golden Age Crime Syndicate (probably Lois Lane since the Narration Boxes are handwritten on lined pages) thinking about how they're a bunch of fucking pussies compared to The New 52 Crime Syndicate.

Probably Superwoman: "We didn't want to be called the Crime Syndicate! We didn't mean to be bad! It's just that we had been struck by something, possibly destiny, possibly fate, or only a degenerative nerve disease called rabies. Or maybe we just thought robbing shit was fun! But we weren't like murderers or nothin'!"

Pshaw! "If you'd had made...." I guess Superwoman is actually Diana in the original version because Lois wouldn't have made that mistake.

Superwoman is on death row and about to be put to death like they like to do to people on death row. But her villainous cohorts have come to break her free! Maybe! It's hard to tell because remember that old saying? There is no honor among dishonorable people?

Yeesh. It is Lois! I guess that makes sense since everything on Earth-3 is the opposite of all of the other Earths.

Looking into it a little deeper, it seems Superwoman is the Earth-3 version of Wonder Woman but she took the name Lois Lane to make things confusing.

Meanwhile in the 853rd Century Metropolis (which is currently right down the block from Earth-3 Metropolis), Justice Legion Alpha hold a meeting to discuss what huge pussies they are too.

Superman One Million: "No killing, Batman One Million! No! Bad bat!"
Batman One Million: "Aww, shucks!"
The Wall: "BOOOM! I mean, THOOOM!"
Atom One Million: "Croak!"

Flip-flopping back to Earth-3, the prison break commences! Or continues!

I think his helmet is on too tight.

The Crime Syndicate don't run their fastest as far as they can or something. I'm confused now! Anyway, they're stopped by the Rogue Hunters composed of Mirror Master, Captain Boomerang, Weather Wizard, Captain Cold, and Stripesy. Apparently comic book tech works on Earth-3 unlike the other Earths. Or maybe if your technology is shaped like a gun, it's allowed to work because Captain Cold shoots ice all over the place.

I should also point out how closely my fairly shitty, quickly thrown together Captain Cold costume matches the one in this book.

The gloves don't match but I'm sure if our boots hadn't been cut out of either picture, they'd make up for the gloves!

The Crime Syndicate fail to reach Lois before the lever is pulled and she's electrocuted. But I bet the dome went up just before she was killed and she got her invulnerability back just in time! I just bet!

Back in Future Metropolis, Lex Luthor Look-a-Likes One Million continue to hunt Justice Legion Alpha. Probably because their name is ridiculous but it can still be shortened to JLA. Clever!

Planet Brainiac actually waits a few beats too long to make his demands on the "heroes." So I guess Superwoman really is dead! That's okay. There were too many women on the team anyway. Telos teleports the Crime Syndicate into battle with Justice Legion Alpha. Unless they're actually Justice League A like the Lex Luthor Look-a-Like called them.

Most of the Crime Syndicate choose not to fight because remember that thing about them being pussies? Of course you remember that because I'm not supposed to be calling people pussies! That's wrong and I totally apologize for doing it because I'm a huge pussy and I don't want people writing nasty comments to me. But Ultraman does want to fight! He knocks Superman One Million into a building and proclaims one-fifth of a victory! The other four-fifths will have to wait until next issue.

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #1 Rating: This is only my second Golden Age Convergence issue and I'm completely bored of the Golden Age! Where are the super ridiculous plots that make no sense?! Where is Superman with a lion's head?! Or Ma and Pa Kent dying of some Caribbean disease?! Or Batman tossing criminals into vats of acid willy-nilly?! If these are really characters from the Golden Age, my suspension of disbelief should be straining under the weight of silly, nonsensical stories targeted at children! This story seems to have mixed up "whimsical" with "boring." Is Convergence over yet?!