Convergence #5

The triceratops is all, "Fuck this crazy shit! Imma gonna go eat some weeds!"

Don't you hate when people talk for animals? It's so arrogant and almost always not funny at all. I think those kinds of people are the same kinds of people who hear somebody make a subtle self-deprecating joke and then repeat the joke bluntly to the person as if the person making the joke didn't mean to make fun of themselves. It's like, "We're all in the same fucking room as the animal. We have observed what it just did and also thought it was cute and/or funny and/or horribly disgusting. We don't need some asshole ruining the moment by saying in a high-pitched voice, 'I sure love the taste of my butt!'" There are only three people allowed to speak while animals are doing things: David Attenborough, Marlin Perkins, and that Honey Badger dude. And I think two of them are dead. So be prepared to hear a lot of "Sloths don't give a shit" and "Penguins are nasty" with your animal videos!

The first page of Convergence #5 is technically the inside cover which is an advertisement for Loot Crate. Don't read this paragraph if you get offended when people make fun of shit you love and you also love Loot Crate. Why the fuck would I pay for a random assortment of bullshit that a whole bunch of other people are getting as well? Most of it is random tchotchkes I didn't ask for. The only tchotchkes I want in my house are ones I specifically picked out because they were of interest to me. And most of the random tchotchkes in my house right now I can't fucking stand to look at. Except for my paranormal Collect Club figurines. Those fucking rock your face off. With Loot Crate, do I get a crazy thrill running into people wearing the same Goddamned shirt that I'm wearing? Are we supposed to high five and then buttfuck? I mean, the buttfucking would be cool but not the highfiving. But seriously, what a terrific service! I get to pay like thirteen bucks a month for somebody to clutter up my fucking space! Sounds terrific!

Now, I totally understand the appeal of the "opening a present on Christmas morning feeling" unless it's actually an "opening a present on a non-denominational day feeling" or maybe even an "I've never opened a present in my life because I'm a Jehovah's Witness and now I feel bad so thanks a lot jerk feeling." Oh! That's why Loot Crate is so great! It allows Jehovah's Witnesses to discover the thrill of opening presents without it actually being a present because it's a paid service! Loot Crate is a miracle to the Jehovah's Witness community! I'm all turned around on it!

"All over my face! Hi yo!"

Dick Grayson is pretty funny, right? Get a load of his next joke!

If he were more like Batman would he have his wife and child? Ha ha ha! Oh man. Tears! So many tears from laughing!

Deimos has Skyped Brainiac (the actual Brainiac!) who is currently living in a four inch studio uSphere. He wants to taunt him and maybe make a deal to free him if it can make Deimos the lord of everything. But first he has to reveal to Telos his true shape and name and previous life. I think he might have been Strongbow from Elfquest.

Deimos's story is actually kind of boring. I thought he was going to tell him he was Jimmy Olsen or Steve Dayton or Lenny Shapiro. Instead he's just some king or something with a family who gave himself to Brainiac to protect his world. Boring! Although Dick is really into that story because Dick just got done Narration Boxing all that boring shit about how he lost his family too. So now he's all, "We are Telos! Telos is we! Or us! Whatever!"

Later a female character dies because comic books. Look at all of Warlord's angst and sadness! It's a good thing he still has his sexy cat at home.

Even laterer, Deimos pulls out the heart of Machiste. I think he was one of Warlord's buddies. It's a really bad time to be a friend of Travis Morgan, Warlord!

Once Deimos kills Machiste, Val-zod decides it's time to punch things. But he's a little ambiguous about whether it's the right move. Not because violence is always the wrong choice. He stopped believing that many, many issues ago. No, he just isn't sure they should fight because fighting is what Brainiac wants. It's interesting, isn't it? For once his pacifism would be a useful trait and yet he's completely abandoned it so he can act like every other fist-throwing, hot-headed super hero in the DC Universe. Excuse me. Multiverse.

Maybe his plan is just to hug him really, really hard?

I'm so disappointed that Val-zod has been turned into just another brawler. What a waste.

While Val-zod struggles with Deimos, the rest of the heroes just stand and watch, mouths agape. No need to help Superman, right?! Eventually, The Flash goes running off somewhere to do something while Alan Scott tries to befriend old whats-his-name. But too late because whats-his-name decides he's still just Telos and everybody is fucked.

How about just continuing to stand there and ignore your power ring?

Deimos banishes Brainiac so he can't be released even though he brought him to release him to gain power. I guess he rethought his plan and realized it was a pretty idiotic plan. Best to keep the master of this world off of it, right?

After banishing Brainiac, Warlord comes crashing through the wall on a triceratops. It's probably all, "Fuck you! I don't give a shit! I'm nasty!" I'm sure Deimos is trembling in his fanciful boots now. He just defeated a Kryptonian and a Speedster. Now he's going to be defeated by a guy in a loincloth with a sharp piece of metal? And dinosaurs. I guess he has dinosaurs. But vegetarian dinosaurs! Please!

I guess it's not a good time to be Travis Morgan, Warlord, either.

This seems symbolic of something! If only I were smart enough to figure it out. Like maybe comic books like Warlord, which were big hits among the youth at one time, have no place in comic books anymore. They've grown old and outdated and long past their prime. It's as if DC realizes that some of their past comic books actually can be put to rest. How about thinking the same way with your war books?! Enough with the GI Combats and the Mens of War and the Star Spangled War Stories! Make them age into dust too!

I bet Telos is the real Travis Morgan and that's why Skartaris was at the center of the world and that's who Telos really is! If that doesn't turn out to be the case, I should remember to come back and delete this paragraph or else it will be an embarrassment to my comic book reading skills!

The castle collapses and everybody but Yolanda escapes. Yolanda is helped out by Deimos so that she can pretend to be his buddy and then slit his throat at a crucial moment. Dick Grayson finds a batarang in the rubble because the time he found a batarang in World's End has been forgotten. It needed to be reinforced that he will become the next Earth-2 Batman. At least he's better than the last Earth-2 Dick Grayson who insisted on wearing that hybrid Batman and Robin costume.

Oh yeah. Telos has disappeared as well. That might be important later.

Deimos heads into Brainiac's radio station to deliver a message to all of the cities. If they band with him, he will allow them all to exist. Of course they'll owe him a favor or two. They'll probably decline, being heroes and all. But I guess it's worth the effort because when they say no, he can act angry and offended and crush them without feeling guilty about it.

Convergence #5 Rating: Now that I've finished all of the first issues of the Convergence series, I'm beginning to get back into it. I won't have to read the same Telos speech forty times in a row, so that's a plus. And since the stories have all been set up, I get to write about how horribly they conclude all of their stories! That will be fun! As for this Convergence series, I'm enjoying it. It's weird that Telos and the domes and Brainiac are supposedly so powerful that nobody could ever escape. But then Deimos comes along and kicks everything's ass. I hope they explain how Deimos got hold of all the time travelers. I think Brainiac simply separated them from all of their home timelines so none of them could use time travel to fuck up his plans. And he stored them in Skartaris because time there is wonky, according to the dinosaurs and King Beauregard of the Tumblr Comments Section of most commentaries. He's like my Yoda but taller. Probably.

I didn't take the time to do a Scribbly Jibbet drawing this time but it probably would have had two or three penises in it.