Friday, May 29, 2015

Convergence: Supergirl Matrix #2

Best cover since The New 52 began!

My elementary school friend Philip Newby introduced me to Ambush Bug. He also introduced me to Monty Python, Bloom County, and The Young Ones. He was the first person, in fifth or sixth grade, who I ever sincerely apologized to of my own volition. He went on to be an actor in Los Angeles. I'm not sure he was ever in anything that anybody reading my blog would have seen except for one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Way back when I was still getting the DVDs by mail through Netflix, I watched the first few seasons of the show. My jaw hit the floor when I saw him in the show. It was the one where they go to some football game and spend the entire time in the parking lot. He's credited as Nebbish Guy.

Phil was the first guy I ever knew who always seemed to know exactly what he wanted. He had no fear. He's gone now. Killed himself some years back. I mention him because some things will forever remind me of Phil and Ambush Bug is one of them.

This comic book is probably about to get pretty silly so I needed to weight it heavily on the front end.

This issue begins with a date: circa 1994! Gods and Demonic Hellfire bless Keith Giffen! I suppose I could have just looked up Zero Hour on Wikipedia to figure out the date myself. But I like when comic book writers fearlessly flaunt possibly continuity flaws in the face by planting flags in the...sorry. I lost the train of that metaphor. Anyway, Keith did say "circa" so his ass is covered if any Continuity Nerds want to bust his chops.

Green and Silver are killing this shit. Hi-Fi too although I suspect Hi-Fi is a robot and I probably shouldn't be complimenting robots. They'll get all uppity and then WHAMMO! Skynet!

Judging by Ambush Bug's suitcase at the end of last issue, he and Cheeks have been traveling among the domes for the last year. Supergirl's trying to get the lowdown on the layout of the lowlands from this layabout.

I'm glad I'm not playing the Keith Giffen Drinking and Eating Cookies Game this issue because I've laughed out loud more times than the pages I've read. I've read two so far! I might be drunk by now! And my teeth would be caked with Oreos!

Now I have to go hunt down the other 122 issues of Humiliating Romance!

Because Supergirl smells like spackle and she seemingly wants Ambush Bug's teeth, Ambush Bug buggers out of there. Now I guess I have to read through a number of pages not starring Ambush Bug! What a rip off.

Okay, maybe she doesn't smell like spackle. But I'm positive she wanted Ambush Bug's teeth.

Ambush Bug winds up in a bar in Kamandi's New York telling an anthropomorphic mouse that he banged Supergirl. I think it's okay to lie about your sexual conquests if you're talking about people from another dimension. I mean, I absolutely had sex with Heathers era Winona Ryder three universes and two timelines over. It ruined her career because I was so good at the doing it. And by "so good," I mean I was super quick. It takes a real pro to sex it up lightning fast! Those guys who do it for hours obviously don't know what they're doing. They don't even know whose thingy you're supposed to stick wherever. But I totally know. Alternate Dimension Winona Ryder showed me! And I'm pretty sure sex is the same in this dimension as in that dimension. She was all, "Oh! Oh! Let me stick my girl doo-dad in your guy pee pot!" And she totally did. Lots of times. It felt the way really awesome doing it feels. You know that feeling! So good!

I should probably stop describing my doing it exploits before you think I'm trying too hard and begin doubting that I've ever done it. You shouldn't doubt it at all because I've done it up lots of times. All the way up and all the way down and all over town and under the table in my living room too! That's where people sometimes do it when they claim they're not virgins anymore. Also all over town. And outside under the full, full moon. I'm so unvirginized, you wouldn't believe.

Supergirl hunts down Ambush Bug to drag back to Lex so he'll stop treating her like garbage. But seeing that he's Lex Luthor, that's probably a pipe dream.

Lady Quark hunts down Supergirl because she still thinks she can save her city. Spoiler: it's already been destroyed by Parallax! Ha ha!

Ambush Bug is scared off by Lady Quark but not before he helps calm her down by confusing her. Supergirl explains to Lady Quark that Ambush Bug's teleportation technology is needed to return the cities to their original universes. And since Lady Quark doesn't yet know that her city is already doomed, she teams up with Supergirl in an attempt to save everybody. I hope it's Ambush Bug's technology that allows the planet to enter The New 52! He needs to be the hero of Convergence!

Ambush Bug heads to thirtieth century Metropolis to try out for the Legion of Super-heroes. Hell, if he doesn't mind changing his name to Ambush Lass, he's a lock for the team! His teleportation power is better than half of the Legion's powers. And that makes him better than like 50,000 Legionnaires!

I wonder if Matter Eater Lad ever worked in gay porn.

Ambush Bug and Supergirl wind up in Futures End New York where Ambush Bug isn't even wanted for conversion. That's probably because Brother Eye doesn't understand whimsy. He knows Ambush Bug would defeat him with pure, unadulterated silliness. I know a lot of people (many of them comic book readers!) who would agree with Brother Eye. Some people would read the list of things Philip Newby introduced me to and believe I'd have been better off not knowing him. To those people, I say, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Eventually, they all return to Supergirl's Metropolis where it looks like the battle might pick up where it left off before Ambush Bug arrived.

If we'd been playing the Keith Giffen Drinking Game, we'd be drunk on just the repeated spackle joke alone.

Before Lady Quark and Supergirl can finish their fight, Lex Luthor arrives to belittle Supergirl for the final time. Final because she kills him before getting back to her battle against Lady Quark. And Ambush Bug picks up his suitcases and walks off into the sunset. Probably because he's not going to be allowed back in The New 52.

Convergence: Supergirl Matrix #2 Rating: Even though Cheeks the Toy Wonder didn't make an appearance in this issue, it rates 9 Cheeks out of Ten. That's because it was actually entertaining as opposed to so many of these other Convergence comic books that have barely been worth my time.

Divergence: Bat-Mite
"Convinced that he's the imp that put Batman on the map, Bat-Mite is eager to boost the careers of heroes he thinks need his 'help'!"

I'm a little disappointed that Bat-Mite is being written by Dan Jurgens because he'll probably just repeat a bunch of jokes from the eighties like "Television watches you" and "something about a weasal buuuuuuuud-dee! *weasal noises*" Or whatever.

In the Sneak Peek, Batman meets Bat-Mite for the first time. And he doesn't like him. I'm not sure I like him either. I don't think Dan Jurgens has the comedy chops to pull this off. I could see this working if Dan turns Bat-Mite into the Don Rickles of the DC Universe (you kids can look him up on Wikilearnstuff). Bat-Mite is off to bug other heroes besides Batman and it seems like, with his "meta-analysis of Batman, he'll have the ability to comment on the fandom's issues with each of the heroes. If Dan Jurgens can be critical enough and a bit mean-spirited when it comes to critiquing what other writers and artists are doing wrong, Bat-Mite could be a wonderful comic book! But I know that would go against the spirit of feigned comradery at DC Comics! It's probably against the unspoken rules to mention how horrible Ann Nocenti is at writing Catwoman. Although remember when Jeff Lemire, Scott Snyder, Yanick Paquette, and Steve Pugh were doing Rotworld? Remember how they turned all the comic book heroes that were currently being written terribly into all the decaying, disgusting Rotworld "heroes"? That was some divinely subtle commentary, that. And maybe a little playful poking. It's hard to say.

Anyway, if Bat-Mite were just over the line of being mean-spirited, it would be right up my alley! I just don't think Jurgens is going to be successful with it.

This is the final Supergirl's bum for quite some time! Let's hope she gets a new series when the television show begins.

No comments:

Post a Comment