Convergence #6

The New 52 to the rescue!

If it weren't for Superman being on this cover, I'd believe that everybody was falling into a large, gaping, poorly wiped butthole. But Superman makes me believe that they can fly. Supergirl actually looks like she's falling down and her screaming face helps sell it. Lex just looks like he's trying to catch space debris in his mouth. Those rocks must be made of kryptonite.

For the last five issues, things have been converging. They were really converging well and the converging seemed to be speeding up. I imagine the converging will continue with this issue and it will converge into a frothing convergence of convergy convergence by the end of the next issue culminating in a convergence of convergimate convergences in the epic last issue. Unless there's a huge twist! Maybe things won't converge at all. What if they wind up...diverging?!

I see Scott Lobdell is back in the credits so I'm preparing myself for some really crappy characterizations. But Ed Benes is drawing, so I've also got my dick in my hand. Here come the over-sized boobies and sexually charged poses! Look! Here's one right on the first page!

Oh yeah! Bend over, Cyborg! Bend over like Beckham!

Cyborg isn't really bending over. He's actually kind of squatting. But that's still sexy because I'm picturing him doing it over a glass coffee table.

When Batman was asking J'onn about whatever he's witnessed and he says, "You and your team have traveled across the universe and back," I assumed Batman was talking about Stormwatch. That's a team that will make your eyelids catch fire when they describe the things they've seen. But Batman is talking about Justice League Canada. Seriously, Batman? You're going to get your news from that chicken little outfit?

Is that a saying? "Chicken Little Outfit"? It sounds like a fast food restaurant. Now I want Popeyes.

Justice League Canada's weekly hockey game has been interrupted by a strange planet forcing its way into The New 52 Universe. Superman and Supergirl are also there to witness the cosmic birth. Or cosmic bowel movement. Tomayto, tomahto.

The Red Lanterns have also stopped by, even the dead ones like Zilius Zox! That stupid ass Oracle that Lobdell created has also come by to watch and probably say nothing and do even less. Why is that character still being used in the DC Universe?! It's fucking--and I have to say this no matter how much flack I get for it because nobody has come up with a word that means the same thing but without the inherent insult toward the mentally handicapped--retarded. And since nobody has given me an equitable word, I think we need to agree that the word "retarded" means something totally stupidly fucking fucked up and nothing else. Here's a crazy idea! Stop letting language tell us what to do! We make the fucking rules here! Language isn't in the saddle riding mankind! Mankind is in the saddle riding mankind!

*sigh* She's my girlfriend.

On the first page (you can look at it yourself because I scanned it), the story begins with "Our Universe. Now." But that has no meaning because all of the Red Lanterns are there and hanging out and being a team and not worrying about the ones that should be dead (this being, you know, now). The Guardians of the Universe are watching the heroes watching the planet instead of laying around all murdered by Sinestro. So this is some weird kind of definition of "now" that's beyond my comprehension. I said earlier that language doesn't rule us but we do, at first, need to have some kind of consensus before we change it. First we begin with a nomination like I did earlier. "I nominate that we allow 'retarded' to mean what we want it to mean without a bunch of feelings getting hurt because we've moved the horrible definition of 'retarded' to...let's say...kumquat! If somebody calls you a kumquat, you should get super duper bent out of shape about it and wag your finger like crazy and feel eminently superior to the person who actually used that word! Any seconds?!" But you can't just begin calling people kumquats and expect them to get offended until we've had the caucus and made a decision about the change! King and Lobdell have just gone with their own definition of the word 'now' and it's got me completely befuddled!

The planet is, of course, Planet Brainiac. And it's got an offer for enrollment which The New 52 just can't refuse! Although they already did refuse it five years from now in Futures End. So I guess Planet Brainiac wants to show them what they're missing and bring Multiversal Thunderdome to their doorstep.

Meanwhile Deimos has given the citizens of all of the cities on Telos one hour to allow him to rule them. I don't think it's a legitimate offer though because he tells Yolanda that he's just going to use their deaths to begin a new Deimos-themed universe. Everybody will have boring white nerd goatees and collars that poke out more eyes than childhood toys.

So I'm guessing something will happen this issue that will reverberate through the week's Convergence titles? Maybe they'll get Deimos's offer in the next ten issues I read.

The Earth Twofers stumble upon the Teen Titans who just got their asses kicked by the Extremists. Again! I can't believe they're worse than Justice League International! And Changeling's jokes aren't as funny either!

Pacifist Superman has completely forgotten that he's pacifist now because he's flown right in to beat the crap out of Lord Havok. I think it's like a game of Chinese Telephone (unless that's racist! Why was it called Chinese Telephone (Chinese Whispers to you other racists around the world!) in the first place? I bet because it was racist!) where each subsequent writer taking on the job of writing pacifist Superman has given him slightly more violent tendencies until he's become what we see now in Convergence. He's the same old punch drunk motherfucker from Krypton that we're all used to! Except this one is black.

Was that racist?! What would a game of African Telephone sound like? I'm not going to answer that! Think up your own (probably extremely racist) answers!

Why was any game about talking on the telephone about how confusing it was?! Did people have a hard time understanding each other on the phone because their minds were boggling over the seemingly impossibility of the technology?!

You don't have to answer any of these questions. I'm smarter and more racist than you so I already know all of the answers! The questions are simply for entertainment purposes!

Does he look like he's sporting a huge disco collar?

Another Superman arrives with another Flash and a Batgirl and a Speedy. The Extremists remember the beating they took from the guy with the bow and arrow and decide it's time to go join Deimos. That's a good idea because The Extremists can't be defeated. Except by Silver Sorceress and Scrub Jay who know their secret: they're amusement park animatronics!

Or completely fuck up all of the timelines forever.

Non-pacifist Superman (I mean the one that never once claimed to be a pacifist!) sends everybody to go recruit more heroes to battle Deimos. They all run off in separate directions leaving Dick and Clark to stand there thinking how awkward it would be if neither one tried to kiss the other one.

They don't kiss but they do flirt a little bit. Superman tells Dick Grayson that he's the heart of the heart of the DC Universe and that he's going to save them all by becoming best friends with Telos. Then while Dick is giving Telos one of those "best friend handjobs" that Doom Bunny tells me are the best way to show friendship, Superman will punch Telos in the back of the head and knock him unconscious! Then all the DC Timelines will win! Except the Justice Riders because they're all dead.

Jay Garrick recruits Superboy and then runs into Barry Allen just before Barry Allen runs so fast that he disintegrates for thirty years. I hope they race to see who is the fastest man alive while Dick hunts down Telos!

"Now show me that planet-sized cock of yours!"

Dick must have a really soft touch because Telos agrees to help save everyone in just a few strokes. I bet that's why he decides to move the planet into The New 52 multiverse! They beat Brainiac so that's the only place left to live! Time to move everybody into the seven empty mystery universes in The New 52! Whoo whoo! Train's leaving! All aboard for Sugartown!

Superman and friends confront Deimos and point out that a lot is greater than one. But Deimos points out that the equation is more like a lot is less than X and X is a lotta lot! X even includes stupid Billy Batson! Doesn't he know he's supposed to be a good guy?! Jerko!

Convergence #6 Rating: Your lips are moving! That means you're lying! I may be old but I'm not dumb! Oh. Sorry! Every time I turn on the radio it seems that song is playing. I'm going to write some songs about other trite sayings like...well, I can't think of any at the moment! It's hard to come up with cliches when everything you write is so original! I should probably rate this issue! It gets Seven Cosmic Bowel Movements out of Ten because it wasn't horrible and it was better than mediocre. I'm still working out the kinks in my system! I'm not actually equipped to do real comic book reviews. I mean, I didn't even throw in the obligatory paragraph where I say how the art matched the tone and how I wouldn't have even noticed the coloring if I wasn't doing a review where I'm supposed to be critical of the entire comic book.

Divergence #6
This isn't a thing. Why are you reading this paragraph?! Look! There's Howard the Duck!