Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #1

Kyle Rayner doesn't exist! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

I'm just going to sit back and read this comic book straight through without interrupting myself. Make yourself at home. Fix yourself a tea. Have a cookie.

I said "a cookie"! Since when have two handfuls of Oreos meant "a cookie"?! Now calm down and shut up while I read this comic book! Sheesh.

Well now that that's done, I don't have anything to say about the comic book! No wonder I write the commentary as I read it usually.

The story was about Guy Gardner trying to deal with his anger at being the unchosen Green Lantern and how he was called in to do the gig one time and was blasted into The Phantom Zone by a trap in Hal's power battery. Some of this anger is also at Hal for stealing his fiance while he was gone. So at the end of the issue, he destroys the last thing Hal cares about which is his machine he's been building to contact Oa. He's even left Carol after just six days of marriage because that's about when the Dome fell and he became obsessed with finding a way out. Then Planet Brainiac does his thing and Hal recharges his ring but refuses to let Guy recharge his ring. So Guy has to throw together a new costume so he can enter the tournament too!

Guy Gardner: Biker Warrior!

That's all there is to say about this issue so let's try something different. I just happen to own the issue that began all this bullshit that Guy is trying to deal with: "My Ring...My Enemy!" So let's do a commentary on that issue instead!

This was back when comic book companies didn't give a fuck about cutting covers straight so I have no idea what issue this is! But taking a look at the small print at the bottom of the first page, this is Issue #116 from May 1979. The story is by Denny O'Neil and the art is by Alex Saviuk and Dave Hunt.

The issue begins in the middle of the action with Green Arrow battling a huge eye floating above Star City. Now that's one opponent where I'd lay odds on Green Arrow! Arrows versus eye jelly?! It's a no-brainer! But Green Arrow figured he needed help since this is actually Green Lantern's comic book even if his name is on the cover in letters just as big as Green Lantern's.

What did the eye do to Ollie? Did he just start shooting at it because it was there? What a fascist!

Hal Jordan smartly uses his ring instead of waiting for an answer from Oliver. Why else would Ollie have summoned Hal with his big green arrow in the sky trick? So he could float around asking useless questions?

Green Lantern's light beam turns on him, wraps him up, and then flings him into a wall. While Ollie tries to wake him up, the scene shifts to the Arctic Retreat of Professor Ojo! He's a guy with a helmet with a webcam on top of it. He also has a fancy waxed mustache that is the envy of his assistant Minching. He has a plan for Star City but he won't tell it to his assistant and the Narrator won't tell it to me. Dick.

Hal decides that he needs to take the ring to Oa to get an overhaul. Oliver points out how "not smart" and "in fact" very "dumb" the idea of using a malfunctioning ring to fly through space is. But once Hal gets an idea in his head, no matter how not smart it is, it's as good as horribly executed!

I'm probably hallucinating this panel.

Hal Jordan left his most important possession, his Green Lantern Power Battery, on the front seat of his truck floating in orbit around the Earth. Sure, the truck was enveloped in a protective green bubble but you never know when some yellow skinned sneak thief in a yellow space suit might wander by. It seems pretty irresponsible. Hal picks up the lantern and leaves it in Oliver Queen's guest room where, I guess, he's been staying when not off in a convoy somewhere. Then Hal leaves for Oa. Or does he?!

"I didn't realize you were 'charging your ring.' LANTERN! Not on top of Granny's antique armoire!"

I like how the Narrator doesn't pull any punches. This is Green Arrow, kids! Oliver Queen is just one of his many disguises! Which, you know, is totally true. Just like Batman and Superman and the other heroes that I can't remember because they're not very popular, the heroic identity is their true persona. Even if they began life as some other person, they had to change the way they behaved when not in costume for a little misdirection. Batman isn't really a philandering scumbag! He doesn't even like sex! Imagine how much he must love Alfred to endure so much sex with so many different partners just to keep Alfred safe from the retaliation of Batman's enemies! And Clark Kent hates having to write article after article after article stroking Superman's ego, along with the thrice montly op-ed piece about why the world really, really, really needs Superman and all those jerks who don't trust him are dumb doody faces.

The reason Green Arrow freaks out isn't because he just realized that all of that "wax" on the top of the armoire wasn't wax but because Green Lantern is shattered into billions of tiny pieces and disappears. It's just a vision of future events though! Also it's a crappy vision because the artist draws Guy Gardner (who, spoiler, will be the one to fall for this trap soon) as if he were Hal Jordan. But don't worry, kids! It's not a misdirection at all! When it finally does happen to Guy at the end of the book, the artist will ignore how he's been drawing Guy correctly throughout the story and, once again, draw him looking just like Hal Jordan! See? Totally playing fair with the readers!

And then we find out another secret of Oliver Queen: he doesn't lock his front door!

Also, is that a picture of Superman over the living room sofa?

Since Oliver now has a guest, he decides that the mystery of Hal Jordan shattering into a million pieces can wait. Especially since he has another mystery on his hands: who is Guy Gardner?! Isn't the substitute Green Lantern a black guy who refuses to hide behind a secret identity?! I guess Guy doesn't much care about a secret identity either. And how did Guy know where to find Ollie? If I were Ollie, I'd say it's time to sit Hal Jordan down and define the term "secret" to him.

Guy informs Ollie that his back isn't broken anymore and that John Stewart is third in line for the job! While Hal is gone, Guy will be helping to defend Star City from floating eyeballs.

Do you get the feeling that whenever Green Lantern appeared in Green Arrow's book, the writer of that title made Green Lantern think self-deprecating thoughts to himself?

Isn't it cute the way Ollie pleads for Hal's quick return? So sweet! Also, if Hal returns, doesn't that solve the mystery of the shattered Green Lantern? Or does Oliver realize what he saw was just some kind of vision?

Meanwhile Hal Jordan's trip to Oa (by means of a space warp past your anus) is sidetracked by his wonky ring's UPS! He winds up on a desert planet, stranded and alone! Coincidentally, on the page opposite the desert planet, is an add for desserts! It stars Superman and ends with him refusing the Hostess Fruit Pies offered as a reward for saving some space picnickers. I bet Hostess was pissed that the comic didn't show Superman super enjoying their pies.

Back on Earth, Guy and Ollie head out to battle the flying eyeball. Once again, it doesn't do anything wrong so they attack it. But this time it fights back and nearly knocks a building on Green Arrow. Guy Gardner manages to knock Ollie out of the way with a monstrous green hand but when Guy blasts the eye, his beam of light flies around the eyeball and it gets away. Again.

Green Arrow is pretty upbeat for a guy who just let a giant floating eyeball escape his clutches two nights in a row.

Meanwhile on the mystery desert planet, Hal Jordan proclaims that he'd trade his ring for a glass of water. That's not the Hal I know! He'd never give up all that power! Isn't this the same Hal that's traded away Carol's love for the ring time after time?! Anyway, after Hal is sucked into some quicksand, he finds he isn't on some mystery desert planet at all!

I bet the Guardians will wish they'd remembered this plan when Hal actually comes to kill them in a decade or so.

The Guardians inform Hal that there is nothing wrong with his ring. It's as mighty and potent as it's ever been. But the receptacle in which he sticks it is the real problem. They give him a replacement battery which should make his ring strong and ready to go once more. They also tell him his old battery could be dangerous and it should be destroyed. Either the rings currently don't have the ability to communicate with the other rings or Hal Jordan is just a narcissistic asshole that doesn't believe a heads up to Guy Gardner about the dangerous battery is in order. Remember this moment, kids! Remember how Hal Jordan could have warned Guy about the lantern when we get to the final two panels!

So boredom is Hal Jordan's greatest fear? That's why Sinestro can never beat him. The only way to win is not to play!

Back on Earth, Guy goes out on his own to destroy the eye. He manages it easily this time. I guess Green Arrow was a liability. After he destroys it, Guy gets super excited to go charge the ring again. What is it about sticking a fist in that battery that turns these guys on so much?

When Hal returns, he finds Ollie and Dinah enjoying some coffee. Hal mentions that his battery was the problem all along and Ollie is all, "Oh yeah. That's what I figured even though I'm no deep thinker or nuthin'. I had a dream of you exploding while charging your ring." And Hal is all, "Are you sure it was me?!" And Ollie was all, "Is that another one of your stupid questions because you know, the way the artist has been drawing Guy, that it could have been Guy!" That's when Hal finally feels a sense of urgency so he breaks down one of the walls in Ollie's apartment only to find he's seconds too late to save Guy Gardner from years of justified anger and torment! Why couldn't Hal have warned him?!

Nobody to blame, my ass!

Thanks to Green Arrow, I now have a eulogy all set for whenever my father dies! "It's rotten. It's so rotten." Would it be suspicious if I threw in Hal's lines too? "The worst part is, there's nobody to blame. There's nobody to hate!"

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #1 Rating: I own a bunch of these Green Lantern/Green Arrow books even though I don't know where I got them. Probably a stack of comics from my grandfather when he use to collect newspapers and magazines to take to the recycling center long before recycling was cool. I'm glad I have this book though since it sets up Guy Gardner with the eternal chip on his shoulder. Not only is he pissed about this, he's also pissed off about being passed up as the Green Lantern of Earth due to Abin Sur's lazy ass ring that couldn't be bothered to extend its search for a replacement Lantern past a circumference of a few miles. You'd think after three and a half decades, Guy Gardner could have moved past this shit. I guess he has in a way. Writers just keep finding different reasons for him to be so fucking angry all the time.