Thursday, May 7, 2015

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #1

Whenever Geoforce passes out at a party, somebody always writes a big "Y" after the "F" on his chest.

Batman and the Outsiders were my first favorite super hero team. I had a crush on Halo. I thought Katana was bad-ass. Metamorpho was fucking hilarious to a thirteen year old boy. I wanted to be Black Lightning. And I thought Geoforce was the most boring fucking fictional character ever created. Batman just seemed like the parent that wouldn't let them do all the super cool stuff they wanted to do. Maybe it's because of this series that I never really became a huge Batman fan. I just saw him as a bossy parental figure that I wanted to get away from.

I've been rereading the old series and it holds up in the way that comic books from the early eighties hold up. Which is not very well but you give the comic book a lot of slack and try to view it through the eyes of your younger self. One of the things that series taught me was that you could build characters best not through conflict but through the downtime out of the super hero suits. Marvel probably does that better and more often but they also tend to overdramatize problems that I, even when I was younger, barely saw as problems. Stop fucking whining and deal with it, assholes. You can either be a victim and allow everybody around you an inordinate amount of influence on your life or you can just say "Fuck 'em all" and get on with being who you want to be. I'm looking at you, Peter Parker! Unless I'm looking at Scott Summers. I don't know! It's been a long time since I really read any Marvel books besides Ms. Marvel, She-Hulk, Moon Knight, Superior Six, and Inhumans.

Speaking of overly dramatic writing, Mike W. Barr must have thought he was writing Shakespearean plays at times. Holy fuck can he turn a ridiculous phrase! And Jim Aparo's facial expressions! Hoo boy, do these cats react to shit! The last time I saw so many open, gaping mouths was at Glory Hole Fest 2014.

But that's the old days. This may be the old Outsiders but Andreyko will probably (hopefully) give them a bit of a modern sensibility. And maybe somebody will get raped! I mean, not really raped! Just, you know, hypnotized into thinking they like the person and then being told afterward by the "hypnotist" that you can't hypnotize somebody into doing something they don't want to do so being fucked while under hypnosis is implicit consent! So there, fandom!

I don't care how many people call me a misogynist. Without the outside controversy and Andreyko's insistence that Batwoman wasn't hypnotized, it was actually a well done story about hypnotism. Especially the way the hypnotist reacts when confronted by the victim and piles all of the blame onto her. But I guess nobody is allowed to write hypnotism stories anymore because women aren't allowed to be victims of hypnosis anymore because it perpetuates hypnosis culture which causes more women to become victims because when a person reads that story they realize people can get away with hypnotism and not getting away with hypnotism and getting thrown in prison for it is the only thing keeping somebody from hypnotizing.

I mean, you know, aside from the fact that nobody wants to see their favorite character whose comic book they're supporting go through a bunch of horrible shit that they shouldn't be going through since they're the hero trying to prevent this kind of crap. Unless it's Batman. Fuck Batman.

I opened this comic book just now and realized it's the first one from the third week which means a new Fight Card! Just as I thought by the characters being spotlighted this week, the battles take place in Earth-One Pre-Crisis Gotham City. The other cities featured are Kamandi's New York, Vampire Batman's Gotham, the Atomic Knights' Durvale, and Central City from the Tangent Universe. I don't know anything about the Tangent Universe. I hope Infinity Inc. deals with those guys. I want Batman and the Outsiders to battle vampire Batman so that the Outsiders can take all of their Batman is a dickhole frustations out on a surrogate Batman.

The beginning sounds a lot like a Mike W. Barr comic book.

This issue is called "The New Normal." This normal is really new for these characters that have never known a true DC Crisis event! They're used to a lot of weird shit happening but things continue along as normal. Although occasionally some really fucking weird shit goes down and everybody just agrees to pretend that it never happened. The old normal was chill like that.

Batman has been working on the mystery of the dome for 364 days now. He gives Jim Gordon an update on his progress which amounts to "I don't know shit but that won't stop me from 'investigating' it more." At what point do you stop calling what you're doing detective work and just admit that you're killing time? It's not like he has any clues to follow. Any analysis of the Dome would have taken place on Day 1 of the investigation and that was probably the last day any progress was made.

What is Dr. Thompkins shocked about in the fourth panel?

I guess when the Dome came down, Gabrielle's parasitic alien whatever-the-hell stopped functioning and she slipped back into a coma. Unless I'm remembering her origin incorrectly. I haven't gotten that far in my reread to get a refresher on Halo and her powers. But I guess she gets her hair cut after Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Meanwhile Geoforce is moving masses amounts of broken asphalt with his bare hands. What the fuck is that about?! Was Dr. Jace so good at giving people Earth Powers that he retained them after the Dome fell? Or is Geoforce just that naturally boring? I mean strong!

Geoforce goes off with the others to...*snrrk snrrl SNORE*

Where...what?! Oh, uh, sorry. I seem to have passed out there for a second. I drooled all over my comic book. Let's see, I was probably done reading this Geoforce crap so let's skip ahead to Rex and Sapphire.

Why Mrs. Stagg! Is your butt trying to seduce me?!

Metamorpho might be the only person truly happy under the Dome since he now has a real flesh and blood penis to put inside of any one of three magical Sapphire Stagg orifices. Unless he only has access to two of them. Or just one. Hell, just one is more than he deserves, the big mug.

Back in the Batcave, Batman continues his investigation.

See?! I knew it! The big fucking phony! Pretending that he's got some kind of investigation going on!

The next day is the day the Dome drops. Everybody is going about their normal business and, luckily, Rex and Saph are getting one last good shower fuck in. Because it's time for Planet Brainiac to welcome everybody to Thunderdome.

Luckily Rex's dick isn't inside Sapphire when he regains his powers and he just burns the shit out of her arm and probably her boobs and maybe her stomach. But mostly she's probably okay. Good thing Rex didn't transform instantly into Magnesium, amirite?! No seriously. Am I? Would that have been bad?

Gaby comes out of her coma, Geoforce flies up into the sky, Katana's sword probably starts speaking to her again, Black Lightning recharges, and Batman hits a big red button. It's probably a call to gather The Outsiders because they're going to be battling OMAC and an army of mutants from Kamandi's world next issue.

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #1 Rating: It seemed like a lot to pack in since this is a pretty big team for this two issue set up. But I like the glimpses we got of all but one of the characters. Actually, Black Lightning had a pretty boring arc. And Katana's arc was really just worrying about Halo. And Batman's arc was just showing how fucking useless he really is. So Rex's story was the only one that was truly interesting. And mostly that's because it had fucking in the shower.

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