Friday, May 8, 2015

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #1

Superboy and Legion of Super-Hero fans should stop reading right now!

I do not like Superboy. I do not like the Legion of Super-Heroes. Not because I've read every single issue of everything they've ever been in and come to the logical conclusion that none of it is very good. It's the exact opposite of that! I've never read any fucking issue of anything that these characters have ever been in (besides that Superboy story where he has to always have an extra candle on his cake and the New 52 Legion stuff. But I can't count those or else I can't say that I've never read any fucking issue of anything that these characters have ever been in!) and I've come to the logical conclusion that none of it is very good.

I know there are, for some ungodly reason, die hard fans of these characters. But this commentary isn't for you! I've tried to shield y'all once by telling you to stop reading! This is your final warning! I mean it! If you do, for some self-flagellating reason, decide to keep reading and subsequently get pissed off because I refer to Superboy as a fucking douche nozzle drenched in post-coital cummy vaginal residue for the sixth time in one paragraph, just remember that I warned you. I fucking warned you to stay away! Sometimes dead is better! You reap what you sow! The soil in a man's heart is stonier! This ground is sour! Fuck off, ayuh!

I once wrote a commentary on Voodoo where I mentioned I knew nothing about the Wildstorm Universe and said that I was drunk (which I was). I then proceeded to insult the fuck out of Wildstorm fans. Maybe I started off insulting the fans? Who can remember? I was drunk! But then I got called out for using broad strokes to describe a group of people that I admittedly said I knew nothing about. I subsequently felt bad (for unknown reasons). I no longer feel bad. If somebody reads this blog, which is often all over the fucking place, and enjoys 98% of it but can't keep reading because of the 2% that pissed them off,'ll change! I won't write that thing that offended you anymore! I'm sorry!

No! No! I must stand by every single thing I say no matter how facetious or silly or nonsensical! Every single thing I write in this blog is fucking fact! Wildstorm fans are drunk male lunatics that fist pump in the air after every page of shitty ass narration boxing by Grifter! Superboy fans are oversensitive whiny jerks who bitch at me for using the Superboy tag when I'm writing about Superboy! Because obviously the tag is meant only for their slash fan-fiction roleplaying jerkfests! Fans of the Legion of Super-Heroes are probably a lot like me because I imagine Legion read a lot like a Degrassi Junior High comic book and I probably would have loved that in my junior high school years when I still could feel love! But now I'm a dried up old angry bitter shell of a human being and if you ever think anything I write seems jolly, fun, or whimsical, you're wrong! I'm dead inside and I hate everything except hating things!

This issue begins with a new Fight Card! Of course it does! Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes being trapped in Pre-Crisis 20th Century Gotham City would be ridiculous even for a comic book! So instead, this issue takes place in Pre-Crisis 30th Century Metropolis! And they only have one enemy: The Atomic Knights of Durvale and their Dalmatian Fuck Buddies!

Did everybody else read this in Robin Williams' voice?

Oh! Oh! I know who you are and what you stand for! You're Superboy and you're a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E!

This Superboy was actually a living weapon created by Jor-el and female Jor-el. See, back in the Silver Age, writers wrote a lot of crazy shit. And one of the things they loved to write were kid versions of adult characters. Sometimes they'd make a new character as a legacy character. But other times they'd just write stories from the adult character's past. And sometimes, they'd fuck up and mix up the two so that a child character that was initially about the adult character somehow became a legacy character! I'm looking at you, Wonder Girl!

Was the creative team for this book chosen as some kind of Alan Moore spell to end the drought in California? Moore. Storms. Farmer? Maybe if we all read it at the same time, we'll succeed in casting the Weather Spell! Let's all promise to read the names of these characters on Saturday the 9th at noon PST, okay?! We'll change the world!

Yeah, dude. It's been 342 days and you've probably been telling them the same thing every fucking day, you fucking douche nozzle drenched in cummy post-coital vaginal residue!

Superboy spends a few pages telling everybody where every single fucking Legion member has been spending the last year. I think that means this is the only Convergence series that will be a 12 issue maxi-series instead of a 2 issue mini.

Superboy ends his speech by playing the Krypton card once more. Boo hoo! You lost your home world! You understand more than anybody what it's like to lose everything! Wah wah wah!

Oh wait. I think he's telling that story to be uplifting and inspiring and not to be a whiny little buttsniff. Sorry, Superdouche!

I just had a revelation! You know who might be the real superdouche?! ME! I know, right?! Mind blown! Enlightenment! Emotional growth!

Dude. She wants your dick in her mouth. Or her vagina in yours. I'm not entirely sure which one but you should at least stick around to find out!

The next page causes me to take a time out because it punches below the belt. Fucking asshole writers. When Superman says he misses Ma and Pa Kent, I don't give a shit. Big fucking deal. When he says he misses Lana, I take a moment to stick my finger way up my ass to get a nice, comforting scratch in there. But when he sits down and one long tear drops from his eye and he says, "I miss my dog," well...fuck you, comic book. Fuck you right in the fucking comic book face! I won't allow you to get me to empathize with Superboy! So I'm going to go in the other room and pretend it was something other than this comic book that made me cry! Fucker.

Okay! I'm back! I tore out the offending page so that I never have to accidentally read it again and flushed it down the toilet! Then I called a plumber. Then I sat through a lecture from the plumber about flushing comic book pages down the toilet. Then I had to console the plumber, who just had to read the page he fished out of the toilet, as he wept about his childhood pet Budgie. Then I had to blow him because I didn't have the money to pay the bill. Then I had to rinse out my mouth and brush my teeth. And then I came back to continue reading!

Invisible Kid interrupts Superboy's baby time crying jag by saying, "Mon ami?" Hey, Kid! This is 30th Century America! Learn Interlac already!

Invisible Kid and a fraction of the other Legion members need Superboy's help to go smash through the wall of Brainiac's lab.

Nobody in comic books has any respect for architecture. Or they just don't know that doors and windows open.

Brainiac 5 informs the others that he was just having a moment with his cousin or son or twin or whatever, Planet Brainiac. He then insults their intelligence which is hilarious because they're all 9th Level Intellects while he's a 12th Level Intellect! But 9th Level Intellects are smart enough to know they're smart so they don't yell back, "I am not stupid!", like stupid people would. Calling stupid people stupid is the best insult because they're not smart enough to not care about being called stupid by some arrogant asshole and they get super pissed off about it.

After Brainiac 5 shoos everybody out of his lab, Lightning Lass continues to hit on Superboy by telling him a story about her ex, Timber Wolf. The story is less about how she always thought she'd see him again and more about reminding Superboy that she's available for a pleasant afternoon of face fucking.

She's touching your ass, Clark! Go for it!

If Stuart Moore were to ever read this commentary, I bet he'd be screaming at me, "Pay attention to the theme of loss and loneliness, you oversexed dolt! Forget about the soap opera drama!" Unless he'd actually think, "I'm so happy somebody noticed how wet Lightning Lass was in all of these scenes!"

Lightning Lass gets tired of beating around her bush, so she comes right out and tells Superman to stop crying about his losses and maybe focus on the tons of sex standing right in front of him.

I realize she's gotten serious here but I can't stop giggling at just about every image on the page. The soldier with two eye patches. Darkseid taking a hard, dry shit. Murder Lad beating Karate Kid to death as the Kid sucks him off. Lightning Lass caught in the moment with her eyes half closed. Lightning Lass's sock puppet expression as she's tortured by her brother. It's all so good!

And then Superboy finally gets the fucking hint! He gets all the hints!

Stupid powers returning ruined a good fuck moment. Although now I'm curious. Will getting Lightning Lass sexually aroused short out her powers? FWASH!

Oh! Here's some kind of weird hang-up that I have (as slight as it is): I can write all day about guys getting boners and hard-ons and chubbies and stiffies and rebar pants and pitching tents and swollen nymphloads and all that without thinking twice about it. But it always seems a bit vulgar to mention a woman getting wet! Obviously it doesn't stop me from doing it. I don't have a problem with either but whereas a boner seems G-Rated, an aroused and self-lubricated vagina seems NC-17! Deliciously NC-17!

This is the first time I read this speech after reading it nearly five hundred times so far where it sounded like a catchy vaudevillian tune in my head! I think the curvy font helps!

Colossal Boy and Phantom Lass show up to really ruin the sexy mood. I mean, I think it was killed after Planet Brainiac's speech but just in case, they arrive to piss and shit all over it. And once Ayla gets her lightning powers back, it's like nothing ever happened! And like she wants Superboy to believe the moment is lost because she refers to him--explicitly and purposefully and other words that mean she totally fucking italicized it--as Superboy! What the hell?! Am I reading that vibe wrong?!

Once the team gathers together to come up with a plan, Brainiac 5 tells them that he received a message prior to the one they all heard. The planet said to him, "We are here, but soon we will be there." You probably remember that from one of the previous scans. Anyway, he mentions that the speech patterns are vaguely familiar. Ha ha! He's going to be in for a surprise, amirite?

While the team discusses what the plan of attack will be and who decides on the plan of attack and who the leader is anyway, The Atomic Knights roll into town on the backs of their gigantic Dalmatians. They don't seem to be killing or slaughtering yet so maybe everybody will talk this one out, right?

Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #1 Rating: I really fucking enjoyed everything about this issue. Shut up.

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