Sunday, May 17, 2015

Convergence: The Titans #2

Dreamslayer does not normally look like a vagina on fire. He usually looks like a vagina leaking Sunny Delight.

I'm a little bit excited to find out how these Convergence two issue mini-series will end! I suppose they'll all end with either the good guys subduing the bad guys but not killing them, or they'll end with the good guys coming to an agreement to work together, both of which are against the rules of Telos's game. Since the Titans are battling The Extremists, this one will end with The Extremists thrown in meta-human jail.

Last issue ended with Roy Harper shooting his friends in the face. This issue begins with the super surprise revelation that he actually didn't aim at their faces at all. But he still did pull the trigger for some reason. It probably bought him enough time to come up with a plan where he can take out Dreamslayer himself since I don't think Donna and Kory can fight very well with their suits full of shit and piss. You know, because he almost shot them in the face! It's not like he worked the plan out with them beforehand. And Kory is surprised to still have a face.

"Tell me you have a plan that doesn't involve me smelling like roses!"

We all know what happens every time a good guy fires a gun or throws a batarang or shoots an arrow at the bad guy and doesn't hit him with the projectile, right? How many times have we read that scene? Well, Fabian Nicieza believes we need to experience that moment at least two more times. And both of them in the same scene! Those cranes that fell in the background and didn't crash into the Extremists? Dreamslayer sees them and says, "Ha ha ha! Missed me! Missed me! Now you have to tongue kiss my Sunny Delight vagina face!" And Roy is all, "I wasn't trying to hit you, twice delicious looking villain!" He then shoots an arrow into the cranes and Dreamslayer is all, "You missed again! I can't believe it! You're the worst!" And Roy Harper is all, "You must be from a dimension that has original writers if you've never seen this move before now!" He then swings by on the rope attached to the arrow stuck in the crane and grabs close enough to the real Lian Harper.

The distraction takes enough time for the other Titans that have not yet been in this comic book to appear.

I bet the cavalry is Aqualad! And he's borrowed Cyborg's fist with the sonic attachment!

It's actually just Cyborg with his own fist and his best friend and booty call, Beast Boy. Apparently Vic was in a coma for the entire year so his story would have been too boring to mention last issue. And Beast Boy was trapped as a green pigeon all year which must have sucked ass. Except for all the pigeon sex and free bread from old people.

Now that the odds are evened up quite a bit, Roy figures nobody will miss a guy that just shoots arrows. He grabs Lian, makes sure it's actually her by activating the parental denial switch, and takes her to safety in the Speedy Cave. Roy thinks he's safe from a guy who just brought Lian back from the past just before she died so he could use her simply to taunt Roy. Or Dreamslayer just made up a fake version of her (which he didn't because we all know that this has to be the real Lian Harper because the fans demanded it. At least until Peter David gets a crack at writing Roy and Lian and decides to make her into a cotton candy figment of everybody's imagination). And if Dreamslayer can do one of those things, it's simple enough for him to enter the Speedy Cave and kidnap Lian again. Now Roy has to get involved in the fight again because his excuse to sit this one out is gone.

Meanwhile at the main event...

Gar's not wrong.

Think of it this way, Gar. Justice League International defeated The Extremists. And they could hardly defeat anybody! Sure, they had some extra help from the Silver Sorceress and some guy named Blue Jay or something. But still! Justice League International beat these jerks! Now pull your monkey head out of your monkey ass, stop thinking about how much monkeys love buttsecks, and transform into something that can squash these jerks!

Ahem. Justice League International!

The Titans are getting their asses beat by the Extremists which is unsurprising and realistic. But Dreamslayer is still harping on Harper to side with the Extremists. If he does, Roy will be reunited with Lian. Dreamslayer must know that if Roy Harper fights against the Extremists, they will lose, which is surprising and unrealistic. But I guess this series is Roy's moment to shine while also taking Lian Harper out of the mini-fridge.

Roy activates his city wide turret system and shoots Kory in the belly with one of his guns. The readers all gasp in horror at Roy's betrayal! How could he turn on his team, even for his little girl's life? I can't believe he shot the one member of the team that can shrug off a blast lke that! How horrible!

Lian reappears near Dreamslayer's side but he threatens to send her back to limbo if Roy doesn't shoot all of the other Titans in the stomach as well. No chance Roy is going to use the guns against the Extremists now! So long, Cyborg! Nice knowing you, Donna! Good riddance, Beast Boy!


I guess Dreamslayer and I both fell for Roy Harper's gambit! I thought for sure the Titans were goners this time!

Roy sets off an EMP which causes Dreamslayer to teleport out of the Speedy Cave for scientific and totally believable reasons. Dreamslayer meets with the other Extremists who are tired of being shot by turrets and they all head off to battle the Titans somewhere free of big guns. Now the Titans just have to decide to follow them. Or can't they just declare victory now?

Donna convinces Roy to sit the rest of the fight out and hang with Lian because it's quite possible she might disappear as soon as Dreamslayer is defeated. And Roy should get to spend a little more time safe with his daughter. Then the other Titans fly off to finish the story in Convergence #6.

So that's how these mini-series are going to end?! By leaving the endings in the Convergenc series? I don't think there's enough room in the last three issues of Convergence to end forty other stories, so it's probably a fluke that this one ended that way. Although this issue isn't completely over yet!

Oh wait. Yes it is. It just has a huge sneak peek for Scott Lobdell's soon to be reviled new series, Red Hood Loves Arsenal!

Convergence: The Titans #2 Rating: Well it doesn't get a good rating because it didn't fucking end the story! I guess it kind of did since this was about Roy, and it was mostly about getting Lian Harper back. Whether or not the Titans defeat the Extremists is just incidental to the whole Convergence thing. Especially since Telos's plan is bound to be blown apart when all the heroes decide to stop fighting each other and engage in a sit-in.

I don't know if this Divergence Sneak Peek is taken from the first issue of the new series or if it's a short "Divergence" story, so I guess I'd better read the fucking thing. Just in case.

Divergence: Red Hood Loves Arsenal

It begins with this because Scott Lobdell thinks he's cute and clever. Hint and spoiler warning: he's not. Not at all!

Let me read this in thirteen year old boy and see if it's any better. Let me clear my head, give myself a boner, and start over.

Ha! "Together for the first time: Agains!" Again is always fucking funny! You can add "again" to the end of anything and it's so fucking hysterical! I fucked your mom. Again! I smoked so much fucking pot! Again! I drank until I fucking puked! Again! Ha ha! Awesome.

Wait wait wait! That was my modern day thirteen year old boy voice! If I were doing a thirteen year old boy from when I was thirteen in 1984, it would be quite different. I would have more references to Robotech or GI Joe, and I'd probably mention a few mythological beasts and super radical Dungeons and Dragons modules. I don't know what kind of thirteen year old boy Lobdell is writing to! Although his advice is to write what you know and he was thirteen in 1976, so the kids he's writing to were probably super excited about the Bicentennial.

Okay! Back to being a thirteen year old boy. It will probably be a mash-up of the three I previously described. Or it'll just be in my usual anti-Lobdell voice.

Kobra has been building cities beneath all the cities all over the globe because that's totally cool and radical and groovy and fucking fuck I can't even! Kobra has loads and loads of armies and they're going to take over the world. But guess why they're not going to take over the world?! Guess! Jason fucking Todd and Gosh Darned Speedy have infiltrated! If anybody can take down an army spread all across the globe, it's these two guys!

Jason Todd's plan is to shoot all the people in the face and save the day! Roy Harper's plan is probably to sit on the back of Kobra's huge killer robot and ride it around for fun.

Instead of riding the robot, Speedy just overheats the complex. That should kill all the servers and shit and completely crash the place and probably make all of the soldiers feel uncomfortable in their body armor so they'll have to take it all off and then they can't go to war and that will stop the plan dead in its tracks. Wah-lah!

Speedy says it melts the robot but that's just stupid because he's a genius being written by a stupid writer. You'll get that kind of reaction from Speedy quite a bit. And finally, Kobra and the members of Kobra's army with internal air conditioning attack!

Ha ha! They're so tremendously good at what they do that they don't fear death even in the face of insurmountable odds! Oh, those chuckle-heads!

Boo! Hiss! This will suck many, many bad things that people hate sucking!

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