Monday, April 13, 2015

Sinestro Annual #1

Sinestro Corps! Sinestro Corps! They're here and there and everywhere!

I bet in this issue of Sinestro, Lyssa tells him something about the future and Sinestro will act on that information. He'll be cocky and condescending and act better than everybody he meets. He'll probably abuse his underlings a little bit. He'll explain how he's the master of fear. And he'll hit on Bekka by pointing out that she can't resist him. Maybe if he has time (there are a lot of extra pages in the annual), he'll mention that Hal Jordan is both his best friend and his worst enemy.

I bet in this commentary, I bitch and moan and whine and act completely disinterested. I might talk about masturbation and I'll probably say something offensive like calling somebody a retard. After that I'll act like I was using the word satirically and try to make everybody else feel stupid for not getting how I wasn't making fun of retards at all but making fun of people that would still use the word "retard" in this day and age. Then I'll probably scan in a picture where a Korugarian Refugee says something ridiculous to completely change the subject. After that, I'll just pretend that I never said anything offensive ever. Then later, if anybody calls me out on it, I'll just ignore them and they'll grow bored and go away while I continue with a new commentary where maybe I'll call somebody a cunt.

Arkillo: "You murdered one of our people!" Refugee: "We couldn't have done it because you gave us reason to do it and we hate you!"

Sinestro asks Lyssa if she can see into the future to find out who murdered the Yellow Lantern. What an idiot. She needs to be able to see into the past to see who murdered him! Does Sinestro not understand how cause and effect work?

So Sinestro tried to use prophecy but it failed. I'm sure Lyssa will spout some gibberish later that he'll try to parse. Let's see if he's acting arrogant yet?

Ding ding ding ding!

That last scene probably fell under the category of "abusing his underlings" as he gives Arkillo a tongue-lashing. Now Sinestro wanders off with Lyssa, Soranik, and Bekka to show them how he will solve the mystery of the dead Yellow Lantern.

Bekka tells Sinestro that he doesn't know her so he tells her a story about herself. It's all about how she developed a special power at about the age of fifteen. Suddenly men and women all over New Genesis were hitting on her and vying for her attention. If that's the case, why the hell did she decide to start dating Orion?

I guess that means a Yellow Lantern didn't kill the Yellow Lantern or else they'd know it. And Lyssa apparently can't see how the Yellow Lantern died from his point of view because he was killed from behind. I bet he was hit with The Stick™.

Next Sinestro tells Lyssa's story. It's about how she was locked in her uncle's secret library of occult books for months but managed to survive by eating all of the tomes.

I guess one of them must have been the Necro-nom-nom-nom-icon! Har har!

The next story is going to be about Arkillo. But where is Sinestro taking these women? He has Bekka smash down a door as they head deep into the planet. My guess is that since this was a prison planet, one of the murderous prisoners must still be living here. And it's that prisoner that killed the Yellow Lantern.

Apparently Arkillo's people were peaceful but their God had both a peaceful aspect and a violent aspect. None of them had ever followed the violent aspect until the day Arkillo became a man and killed them all. So he's the big toothed Walrus version of Lobo, I guess.

Rigen Kale fights for the glory of love or something. Whatever.

Dez was a gay serf in love with an assassin templar samurai. So I guess he fought for the glory hole of love. Or something.

That almost happened to me in college once! A guy named Mike was all, "Have you ever been with a man?" And I was all, "No." And he was all, "Do you want to be?" And I was all, "I don't know if I want to be or if you want me to want to be!"

Dez's lover abandoned him for more power and more honor and more money and a lot more pussy. So Dez killed him and became a killer of the powerful. He was like the monster in the walk-in closet full of shoes and furs and jewelry.

Sinestro and his team wind up in the nuclear power plant of the prison planet. Whoever killed the Yellow Lantern has also triggered a meltdown. Soranik is all, "How come you didn't tell my story? Also, um, how do we find the traitor?" And Sinestro is all, "I know who has betrayed me but I'm not going to tell you for three months."

Sinestro Annual #1 Rating: I bet the dead Yellow Lantern triggered the meltdown and then Sinestro killed him! Or Sinestro triggered the meltdown because he has Warworld now. What the fuck does he need with this stupid fucking planet? I don't really care who it is because how am I going to even remember that this story arc is happening in three months? Fuck. Good luck having any idea what the hell is happening when y'all pick up Sinestro #12!

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