Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Yay! Teen Plus! That probably means Catwoman has sex!

Convergence: Suicide Squad #1 was rated "Teen Plus" because it has a powerful woman leading the group. It might also be because it could get incredibly violent but since the first issue was just Amanda Waller walking around being tough, I'm only speculating on the violence part (okay, Toyman was shot in the face but who hasn't had that dream multiple times?) while I have proof that the comic features a strong woman of color.

I hate that phrase: People of Color. I wish the racists would start using it as an insult so society can come up with a better term for non-white people. While we're at it, can we get rid of "white" as a descriptor? I wouldn't mind being referred to as a pink male from now on. Although if I spend any time in the sun, you'll have to refer to me as an olive male. Sometimes I even look quite like a tumbleweed (that's a sanctioned Crayola Crayon color!) male.

Hey, did y'all know that cancer is a thing and it kills people and that's bad and sad and it would be cool if cancer were stopped?

Whew! I feel like I accomplished something with my stupid comic book commentaries now because I just raised awareness for cancer. Also, sometimes when you walk outside barefoot, you could step on broken glass. Boom! Just raised awareness for that too! I'm fucking Mother Theresa all of a sudden. I mean, I am claiming to be her with vulgar authority not sticking my dick in her vagina.

I derailed my "Teen Plus" conversation! So, um, this issue is rated "Teen Plus" because I'm guessing Catwoman shows an interest in sex. She might even claim to enjoy it. And we can't have young males knowing that women enjoy having sex or their heads will fucking explode. I mean, I just typed the sentence "She might even claim to enjoy it" and I almost orgasmed in my pants.

This issue begins with Catwoman in her purple suit crashing through a skylight because she's a Copy Catwoman! Har har! I'm going to call up my mother and tell her that joke.

First off, who wrote this? Justin Gray? Justin, Justin, Justin. Catwoman is a cat burglar! She's a cat which means she's supposed to be sneaky and quiet. Although it seems like I might be wrong about that. If my cat Pelafina were breaking into a museum to steal some super huge jewels, she'd walk in going, "Hello? Hello? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO?" So maybe Justin Gray got this right, especially for the whole Copycat Joke which I pretended to write but Justin really wrote it without calling attention to it. Scott Lobdell would have put the joke right in a Narration Box to make sure the idiotic readers didn't miss his stupid fucking joke. God, he's a jerk.

Maybe I should scan a picture just to make things more interesting?

Whoa! Those are some crazy big Teen Pluses.

This encounter is taking place before the dome drops. It's just giving the reader a good reason for Catwoman being in Metropolis. "There are sparkly, shiny jewels in Metropolis. Therefore Catwoman was in Metropolis." That's sound logic! Guess who else is in Metropolis according to the next comic book in my stack?! Aquaman! I wish Catwoman and Aquaman would wind up in a relationship. And of course I'm using "relationship" as a euphemism for "sweaty fuck lodge."

Gabe Eltaeb colored this comic book. I've been meaning to write a letter to Gabe for some time. I think I'll do it here and hope he reads it.

Dear Gabe,

Did you love to eat at Fat Albert's and Roma's while at the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley? You were probably so cool that you once had your dick sucked in the Michener Library by Dr. Worley. Although the smell of cow dung in the air probably put you off a bit. Did you ever meet Connie Willis? She was the best. One time at the Sigma Tau Delta Halloween thing, A Little Night Music, Daniel Justice (now a noted author in his own right) read my story "A Really Scary Story" and Connie Willis heard it. So I've written a story that was once heard by a Hugo winner! How about that, Gabe!? I don't know why I'm telling you all of this, Gabe. I guess because I feel a bond with you because you went to the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley and I got drunk there a lot while visiting my friend Doom Bunny. Anyway, cheers!

Yours Truly,
Grunion Guy

P.S. Did you read that part where I mentioned Connie Willis once had one of my stories read to her?!

This issue is called Schrödinger's Cat because why wouldn't it be? All the cool kids love to mention that darn cat!

Anyway, the dome drops and one year later, everything has turned to shit. At least in Suicide Slums. Where, um, it was shit already. So I guess nothing has really changed much at all.

This scene is so sexist. Why are there only guys hunting people for sport?

Remember the days before the internet when you could mention "Schrödinger's Cat" and nobody would know what the fuck you were talking about?! Those were the good old days! When you could know some shit that nobody else knew and sound like a huge big shot at a party where everybody was getting drunk and eventually getting laid while you sat in a corner with all of your esoteric, bullshit knowledge that never once made a single pair of panties drop. Now with the internet, everybody thinks it's cool to know stuff! Fuck you assholes! You don't know what it was like in the Wild West before the internet! You all run around claiming the name of "nerd" and "geek" but you don't remember what it was like to actually be one before it garnered a shit-ton of cultural capital. If you ever want to know what it was like to be a fucking comic book reader before the internet, pick up a copy of Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth and read all that tiny print on the inside front cover. I know the popular, correct, modern way to respond to that now is to point out how bullshit sexist it is because it's written from a guy's point of view. But fuck you and your modern sensibilities! You didn't live through the Nerd Holocaust of the Eighties! It was the worst holocaust ever!

I may have damaged my point with that holocaust hyperbole but I stand by my statement! Because I lived through the Eighties and whatever I went through is obviously more important than anything anybody else ever went through! Duh!

She's talking about sex! And blow jobs! Of the male and female kind! Teen Plus!

She's talking about his cum! Or his socks?

That fucking "Teen Plus" rating! It's got my mind in the gutter! Seriously! Why am I reading a Catwoman comic book and purely thinking about Catwoman in sexual situations (mostly with Batman (and inside a box full of poison))? It's not because she's sexy! It's because she's been sexualized by the "Teen Plus" rating! I'm getting a little bit tired of Catwoman and Batwoman automatically getting "Teen Plus" ratings on their books. Since The New 52 began, comic books with on-panel decapitations have not earned "Teen Plus" ratings but Catwoman and Batwoman consistently have a "Teen Plus" rating. When I see that on the cover, I know it's because of the female lead and her healthy attitude towards fucking (even if no sex takes place in the issue. Like the majority of Catwoman and Batwoman comics. So why the fucking rating, DC?). So right on the cover, before I even have a chance to simply enjoy Catwoman as the individual, non-objectified being she deserves to be, she's objectified. Change the fucking policy of "Teen Plus" ratings on comic books with mature female leads who enjoy sex, DC. Or stick a fucking Teen Plus rating on all of your Batman books, mmkay?

Well at least it wasn't immoral, amirite?!

I love the phrase "looting, lawlessness, rampant amoral behavior." At least (and probably more than) 50% of all the amoral behavior was good shit! People doing things but not caring if they were moral or immoral. But some of what they were doing, by an outside observer who did care, might think, "Oh, what a moral, upstanding person! Doing that thing that is so moral!" While the person doing the thing is all, "Hum de dum dum dum. I'm just doing this thing because I want to. Dum dee dum."

Meanwhile the guy judging rampant amorality because he probably wants more rampant immorality is the current head of Intergang, Mr. Mannheim Steamroller. He's taking control of Metropolis in much the way Tobias Whale thought he was taking over Metropolis. Does Catwoman know Bruce is in town?! I bet she'd like to test drive his new spine.

Catwoman doesn't like how Intergang is extorting the populace of Metropolis (or whatever they're doing. They're criming things up!). But mostly she's simply upset that they kidnapped a scientist that was helping her part of the city, Suicide Slums. She's so rampantly amoral!

Anyway, Catwoman raids Intergang to free her useful friend which is when Planet Brainiac tolls the bell which tolls for you, by the way, since you're asking.

And immediately after Planet Brainiac's message ends, Kingdom Come Batman arrives with his dick in his hand and a lecture in his back pocket. Fucking asshole. Catwoman isn't your plaything, asshole!

Although I do hope they fuck. I'm a romantic!

Convergence: Catwoman #1 Rating: Great issue! Good issue! Decent issue! I'm losing confidence in my review fast! Seriously though before I thoroughly confuse jelyde1, I enjoyed this issue. I guess Justin Gray can write without Jimmy Palmiotti looking over his shoulder, offering words of encouragement, and rubbing his stiff cock on the back of Justin's neck.

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