Thursday, April 9, 2015

Batman Eternal #52

This is the end! The end of our super fucking Goddamned long story! This is the end!

I hope every other page of this comic is a new super villain revealing that they were really behind it all! And then on the last page, Bat-mite will will reveal himself as King of Gotham! The end of Issue #50 revealed Cluemaster as the person behind all of the chaos. Then at the ending of Issue #51, Owlman (Lincoln March Version) took advantage of the situation and killed Cluemaster so that he could have a friendly chat with his brother. I'm pretty sure the last time these two saw each other, they left on friendly terms. Or it could have been the opposite of that with Lincoln March stamping his foot and yelling "Mom always loved you best!" before bursting into tears and disappearing into the sewers. I have no idea what he's been up to since then.

Here's one thing I do know that has zero chance of happening! Batman needs to take responsibility for his part in the devastation of Gotham. This was all about getting revenge on the Dark Knight. And while I'm not one to usually blame the victim, I think Batman needs to realize that perhaps killing his enemies might not be such a bad idea! What's one Cluemaster versus all of the people who died recently thanks to Cluemaster's plot? I'm not even pro-death penalty! But Batman might want to do a little soul searching before he points out to yet another person that he doesn't kill. Did his explosives that he doesn't kill with kill any police officers during this riot? Oh, you know what? I think they did! Perhaps it's irresponsible to leave dangerous weapons lying around all over the city! It's probably also not a great idea to have rockets and machine guns on your vehicles that you just spray all over the goddamned place. You know how much collateral damage he might have caused if the missiles he shot into that ghost in Gotham By Midnight #5 would have simply passed right through the ghost and into a skyscraper behind it? My god, man! Perhaps it's time to go back to just the simple, non-explosive Batarangs, you know what I mean? Take it down a notch! Breathe, buddy!

This issue begins "many months ago" so that we can see how Cluemaster got the money together to pull a scheme like this. And also who he got to work Pagemaker to get those invitations looking as boring a possible.

Anyway, it's the Night of the Owls or whatever and Cluemaster has just parked his car and is walking down the street on his phone. I haven't read any of this but I suddenly had to look a page ahead to see if Lincoln March was going to come crashing down on the hood of Cluemaster's car. That would have been a cool way for them to meet! Unless Lincoln fell on an ambulance back during the Evening of Talons. It's been awhile and I don't rightly recall all the pertinent details.

Arthur has come looking for the Court of Owls to finance his plan to destroy Batman. He's figured out that they're at Harbor House (which makes him about as good a detective as ten year old Bruce Wayne) and he pays them a visit. Too bad they're all dead already.

Ha ha! That whole "who?" thing never gets old when you're a member of the Court!

So Lincoln March becomes Cluemaster's angel investor for the Kill Batman Dead App. It turns out not to work as planned since it gets right up to the moment where Batman dies and then it crashes. So Lincoln March kills the app (and its creator) and takes matters into his own talons.

While Lincoln and Bruce go crashing off the Beacon Tower and into a video billboard, the Batfamily continues to save people from the fires. They're probably thinking that they'll be able to rest after this and not have to battle an endless waves of Jokerfied citizens. But the jokes on them because!

Everybody is doing fine except for Jason Todd who gets his ass trapped under a bunch of rubble. The building he's in is collapsing and he's not being written by Scott Lobdell so he's actually fallible. He even thinks he's in trouble instead of acting like an arrogant big shot with no fear! Maybe that's not actually Jason Todd under the mask. Or else Tynion IV doesn't know how to write him! According to all the idiots who like Lobdell's version of Red Hood and the Outlaws, they'd agree that Tynion can't write him or Harper worth shit.

Jason wants to tell Bruce something and I bet it begins with Ilo and ends with ou and has vey in the middle!

Bah! I've read this speech before, Lincoln. It's what that fucking Buster Friendly tried to pull to get everybody to stop believing in Mercerism in that book about androids counting sheep. Proving the thing they believe in isn't what they thought doesn't stop them from believing in the thing! Hell, Batman will have so many imitators once people find out that he was billionaire Bruce Wayne!

Just as Lincoln March is trying to convince himself that Batman will be forgotten (because Bruce isn't going to buy into that idea), monitors all over the city begin displaying the bat signal. And Commissioner Gordon begins speaking over the apparently city-wide sound system rigged up for...I don't know...amber alerts?

Gordon fires up a bunch of Bat-signals and asks that everybody become Batman for the night! Throw on whatever leather gear you've got lying around (except the gimp suit with the ball gag. Just...just leave that in the footlocker at the end of your bed, okay?) and rush out into the burning streets to save the day! Gordon is all, "Somebody thinks they can kill the Batman?! We're all Batman!"

I hate you Barbara. You know how Red Hood is going to thank you for saving his life? He's going to continue to appear in Scott Lobdell comic books. Ugh.

It's about time Calvin Rose turned up again. But just for a brief visit. I'm not ready to once again start reading a monthly title with him as the lead.

Talon isn't the only person helping out. There's also Batwoman and Black Canary and Katana and Killer Croc and that nobody who saves Spoiler's life and probably a lot more nobodies who decided to take Gordon literally and become Batman for the night.

Bruce Wayne is about to be killed even after Lincoln March realizes the city is a little bit more enamored with the bat than he realized. But that's when Spoiler comes back to kick his ass! Somehow. I mean, she's just a young woman and he's an immortal killing machine. But she does sucker punch him with a can of paint followed by a right hook. I bet it causes him to have a flashback to that night she walked in on Lincoln meeting with Cluemaster and his pals.

Or he just looks up and comes face to face with the entire Bat-Family. Except for Nightwing. He's dead, remember? Wink wink!

Kate's doing the Nightwing squat in honor of Dick. You'd think she'd be the last person to care about Dick, if you know what I mean! You know, because she hardly knew him.

Lincoln March escapes into the sewers where he'll probably be eaten by Killer Croc. The end!

Except it's only the end of the madness. The comic continues a week later with a few shots of Vicki Vale's ass. I should probably read the word balloons and see why she and Jason Bard are talking so much. I bet it has to do with her tight pants.

Vicki wrote an undergraduate thesis on James Joyce and then went into journalism? I hope that means something so that I sound super smart!

Jason Bard decides to come clean so that when Vicki Vale publishes the tell-all story of Jason Bard, he'll look a little bit better on account he cooperated. Plus everybody will know his name after that and he can open up a private investigations business.

And then Selina gives Batman a call on the Bat-Signal so that she can let him know, once and for all, to fuck off with his Goddamned stupid motherfucking lectures every other fucking night.

I really hope Selina's done with him but Batman keeps pining for her. That's the relationship I've wanted between these two since they fucked in Catwoman Issue #1. Why can't Batman be the chaser for awhile?

In the what about all that weird shit in Arkham epilogue, Corrigan lets Batwing know that shit is about to get freaky in Gotham for awhile thanks to all that Deacon Blackfire bullshit. He also invites Batwing to join the Midnight Shift. He obviously didn't sign up for their first adventure but now that Sister Justine has taken one for the team, there's an opening!

Barbara hangs out with her dad for awhile while Jason Todd takes a break at the best bar in Gotham City, Noonan's. He's totally pining over Babs now. What a sap!

Stephanie moves in with Harper and Cullen so that she can have awkward moments with Red Robin when he climbs though a window. He just came to check up on the news Bat-kids and to give Stephanie the only information they have on Lincoln March. They found some of his costume in the sewers but that's it. Somebody else got to him first. And since they didn't find pieces of Lincoln in his costume, it wasn't Killer Croc.

It was, of course, the Court of Owls.

One rule, Lincoln! One rule! "Do not shit where you fucking sleep!" You hike that ass up over the nest's edge and projectile shit, buddy!

Jim Gordon is no longer commissioner. Maggie Sawyer has that job now. But now Jim gets to be a vigilante and fight side by side with Batman! And Jim gets to use a gun! I wonder if Batman forces him to load it with tiny little Batarangs?

Batman Eternal #52 Rating: No change. And that's the end! Cluemaster was the Evil Mr. Smarty Pants and Lincoln March was just his financial backer. But, like most financial backers, he just couldn't keep his hands off of the project. It's too bad, really. Because that idiot Lincoln March saved Batman's life by killing Cluemaster before he could pull the trigger. Oh well. Now Lincoln March has been locked up in an ice coffin by the Court of Owls.

So what are the big changes to the Bat-Family after this year long spectacle? Jason Todd finds himself in love with Barbara Gordon. Babs may or may not love him but I bet she wouldn't mind him being her first fuck. Harper Row and Stephanie Brown are the newest additions to the little group as Bluebird and Spoiler. Red Robin and Spoiler have a flirtation beginning. Alfred lost his hand. Oh wait. That was the other big Batman thing going on. Um, Alfred's daughter has learned the ropes good enough that she can take her dad's place anytime he wants to take a vacation to Thailand. Maggie Sawyer is now the commissioner. Jason Bard is going to become a Private Eye. Selina is sick to fuck of Batman and his holier than thou attitude. She's embracing her means of helping the city which is, really, about as illegal as all the shit Batman pulls so what the fuck is his problem? I don't know where Damian was. Maybe the Batman and Robin Annual will clear up the timeline a bit.

Oh, and Gotham is fucking screwed. I hope Bruce Wayne donates a good chunk of his cash to the city to help rebuild. Wait, did he lose all of his money in this thing? Goddammit Bruce!

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