Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Convergence #3

What is the name of the villain with the knife? Gloryhole? Squick-Lass? Trepansy?

On a planet completely separated from all space and time, a battle to end all battles to end all battles is taking place! Sounds exciting, doesn't it?! Well, that battle isn't the concern of Convergence. Convergence follows the exploits of six lost Twofers tasked with ending the exciting battle before it can come to a satisfying conclusion. What a bunch of jerks! I'm paying four bucks a pop reading a bunch of comic books about super heroes battling to their deaths and these guys are trying to stop any of those deaths from taking place? If they fucking succeed, they'll owe me three hundred and twenty dollars for wasting my money! Then I'll make eighty dollars because I get a 25% discount on all of my comic books! I hope they succeed!

This issue begins with Green Lantern reminding the readers what was happening because it's been a whole week since we read the last issue and how can any of us be bothered to remember shit from last week? We can't even remember shit we texted to our friends because we were talking to other friends while texting and now neither of the conversations filtered into our long term memory. Fucking multitasking! You're ruining our brains! Any time somebody proudly proclaims to me that they're great at multitasking, my brain reinterprets what they're saying as "I will never fucking remember anything you tell me."

Having grown up an absent-minded person, I had to learn early on ways to keep from losing everything I ever set down. One of the first things I realized which helped me immensely was that if my mind was engaged on some task when I set something down, I'd never remember where I set that thing down. I had to train myself to always put things down in the same spot so I would never have to remember where I left something while my mind was otherwise occupied. Of course now if I leave my keys or wallet anywhere but in the place I've trained myself to leave them, they're fucking lost man! Also, you know how when you leave the house you can't remember if you turned off the curling iron or the oven or the home cat crematorium? It's because you almost definitely turned it off by rote. You don't remember that shit because you just do it as you're thinking about the other things you're doing. You're not actively concentrating on it, so it doesn't stick in your mind.

All that is to say multitasking is a fucking bullshit lie told by people who want to appear constantly busy (because that means they're living life to the lifiest!). Multitasking doesn't mean you're saving time. It means you're doing two or more things more shittily than if you were doing just the one thing. It also means that you're not going to retain details of both tasks. You will invariably concentrate more on one task and that will be the one you remember better. Although you'd remember it even betterer if it were the only task you were engaged in.

Multitasking can work though which is why the lie continues to be spread! But it only works in certain situations like if one of the tasks is something a monkey could do, or, you know, something you've done so often that you need no concentration on it. It also helps if one of the activities doesn't need to be remembered. So washing dishes and having a conversation with the man you're hiring to kill your husband is a valid multitasking situation. But having a conversation with your dying mother while texting your girlfriend about that weird mole on the underside of her breast isn't. Sure, you can do it! But you really should be fully present in only one of those situations at a time.

I listen to podcasts while I work because my job is so mechanical. But if a customer messes up my pattern of buffing the floor, I easily forget which aisles of the store I've buffed because I wasn't really paying enough attention to log it into my long term memory.

I know, I know! You're all the greatest multitaskers ever and I'm just an idiot and what I just said doesn't make any sense because you're so fucking awesome at all the multitasking ever! Don't listen to me then! I don't give a shit. Live your life the way you want to live it, man! Also, go read shit from people that completely agree with everything you think because that's fucking healthy.

Back to Green Lantern, here's what he had to say about last issue.

I couldn't even be bothered to crop this scan so that Green Lantern's entire face would show.

Why the fuck does Alan Scott correct himself from "we hope" to "no, we pray"? What the fuck is the difference besides adding a little delusion to your hoping? I can understand hoping to find a weapon. You're actively looking for a weapon and would like it to end in a positive manner. But what the fuck is up with adding the praying to it? Does that add a bleaker tone of desperation to the scene?

Deimos offers to lead the others underground where, I'm assuming, a kingdom of rebels who have escaped Telos's cities have gathered together in some kind of Anti-Telos dome of their own. But then they're attacked by Planet Brainiac's robots! Val-zod is dragged off in a smart web because that seems totally logical. Plus Alan tells The Flash that "at this rate, we'll never fight our way clear of them!" "At this rate"?! How about if The Flash stops fucking slowing down to say stupid shit like "Let's play Need for Speed! Oh look I won! Ha ha!" and just grab all the robots in one nanosecond and leave them on the other side of the planet?

Meanwhile Planet Brainiac threatens the Kandorians because they're the only city refusing to fight. I guess they didn't get matched up with another city then? Because every other city seems to have been matched up with at least one other city that is just dying to go to war! The Kandorians have way too much time to stand around philosophizing. Somebody send an Extremist or two into their midst. That will change their tune from "We're Not Gonna Take It" to some song about fighting and is current so I don't totally show my age.

Not to be (but I'm going to be anyway) pedantic but it's continued exposure to yellow sunlight! I guess this planet being lit by florescent Brainiac bulbs isn't going to help much.

Val-zod is saved by Dick Grayson and Thomas Wayne arriving on the scene in the Bat-Spaceship. But it's broken now because it was only leased for about three pages of use. Hopefully Thomas got more than the Bat-Spaceship from Bruce (like information, maybe?) because what good was the side trip to Gotham if the thing they gained was only used for three pages? Am I supposed to feel the trip was worth it because an obsolete version of Bruce Wayne got a warm fuzzy from getting to speak with a drug-addicted version of his father? The only way the trip was worth it is if we get some flashbacks to the scene of Alfred and Dick dueling with their cocks as they wait for Thomas and Bruce to stop hugging and crying.

Thomas reveals what he learned after visiting one Gotham: "Every city is either on the attack or under siege." I'm going to assume that he visited every other city in the Bat-Spaceship before returning to the other Twofers. Although he must have missed Kandor because they were engaged in their weekly book club.

By the way, Planet Brainiac kills all of the Kandorians because they were all crying like middle schoolers over their discussion of The Fault in Our Stars.

The Twofers decide they have no choice but to trust Deimos and follow him to whatever trap he's leading them into. Batman and Robin decide to stay behind because Batman is out of Miraclo (and Venom too, apparently). Besides, he sensed that somebody followed them from Gotham even though they were in a Bat-Spaceship and flew all around the world figuring out every city was engaged in the war. It must be somebody with an anti-bat ship! Like all of Batman's villains on the cover.

Skartaris must be where Charles Foster Kane went on that picnic.

The Twofers have made allies with the wrong character of the Warlord comic book! Now they're going to be viewed as the bad guys! I'm sure once they get their asses beat by Warlord, they'll turn on Deimos and join forces with the "good" guy.

In the heart of Skartaris, Shakira, Warlord's friend and/or pet cat, is collecting DC Characters with time powers inside a big glass bauble. She's trying to keep them from falling into the hands of Deimos who wants to clear up his wrinkles, I guess.

Back on the surface, Batman and Robin are attacked by a bunch of Bat-villains. Robin is pulled clear by Man-bat which allows Thomas to blow himself up. That kills all of the villains too, I believe. Now I hope Pre-Zero Hour Gotham survives (or whatever Gotham these guys are from) so that DC Comics can begin a Batman comic book with a whole bunch of new villains. What would become of a Batman living in a city that's pretty fucking safe and an enjoyable place to live?!

I think this page was misaligned by the printer.

Convergence #3 Rating: So Planet Brainiac is a little bit judgy, is he? How dare he condemn The Joker! As if he's the worst person to have ever lived! And in every timeline too! I'm supposed to believe the Joker is worse than Gertrude Stein?! Or post-religious zealot Dave Sim?! Or every troll on the internet even?! The Joker is getting a bad rap here. Also is Dick Grayson really paralyzed? How can he become the new Earth-2 Batman if he has to become the new Earth-2 Oracle?! This book is confusing!

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