Convergence: Speed Force #1

I'd better not criticize this cover because I don't want Brett Booth telling me the proper way to critique something.

I never let shit go. I'm like a whiny pit bull. Maturity is when you can simply let aggravating things go because you realize the excitement of life doesn't come from drama. I don't know where it comes from but I'm pretty sure that if I were mature, I'd know it didn't come from drama. Being that I'm not mature, I tend to whinge on and on about things people did that slightly annoyed me one time and had no real impact on my life. So fuck you, Brett Booth, for being such a whiny bastard when it came to comic book fans criticizing your friend's Teen Titans cover! And now that I've said something negative, I guess I have to say something positive to make this a "real" critique. Um, your semen has a nice, tangy aftertaste that pairs well with Mountain Dew.

Looking at this cover (whoops, here I go! Creating drama!), I've figured out the limit of The Flash's speed! The faster he goes, the more he has to lean over as he runs. So the limit of his speed is when he's going so fast that he's basically sliding on his belly. And then that probably slows him down. So the fastest he can run is when his chin is nearly scraping the sidewalk.

I wish this issue were about Post-Crisis Barry Allen! Then the cover would look like this:

But it's not. This is about Wally West. The old white one not the new black one. The funny one! Not the disgruntled youth one! The one everybody loved and not the one nobody asked for.

Wally West has dragged his two kids, Jai and Iris, to Gotham to check out a "Chronal Disturbance." When he gets there, he has the feeling that this "chronal disturbance" was created by Barry Allen. Well duh! Doesn't Barry have a history of creating all of the chronal disturbances? It's the reason DC Comics killed him off in Crisis on Infinite Earths. The powers that be at DC Comics, having little imagination and constantly being upset about how they could never make perfect, logical sense of their universe, figured that if they were going to "fix" their universe by turning it into one, single universe then Barry Allen was going to have to go. And once he was dead, no writer would ever be able to create another alternate world, right? I mean, sure, they didn't kill off Wally West and he had the same powers as Barry Allen and what writer can resist an alternate reality story, right? But who would want to stab the hand that feeds them in the back by undoing the events of Crisis, right? Probably all the writers writing really although I don't know who wrote the first post-crisis story that relied on an alternate timeline or an alternate Earth. If The New 52 is any judge, it was probably quite soon after and done not by a clever writer with an interesting meta-textual story but by a crap writer with shit editors that had no idea what they were doing.

Get it? It's a sign that would never actually exist but it's funny because The Flash is going to ignore both! Also, the word "welcome" is not going to fit on that sign.

One year later, Wally is busy trying to hack through the dome with a pick axe. Some civilians wandering around the edge of the dome because they're probably looting old cars caught in the wall when the dome came down recognize him and note how crazy he's become. Speaking of the cars halfway stuck in the dome...that's kind of a nightmare story to just casually be presented in the background of a panel! Imagine being a person in the half of the car that remained while your friends or family in the other half just suddenly disappear forever.

Wally feels guilty for bringing his kids to Gotham because now they've been separated from their mother for a year. He's depressed and his kids are sad and what the fuck is wrong with this story? I thought Wally West stories were supposed to be upbeat and fun! This Wally West is depressing the shit out of me. I'm starting to wonder if I have any razors in the bathroom. Judging by the length of my scary beard, I'm going to guess I don't.

And then Planet Brainiac gives his speech about Multiversal Fight Club. I got tired of saying Thunderdome.

Great. A Flash not playing by the rules? You know what that means! New universal crisis! And right in the middle of a universal crisis! What are the odds?

Flash makes it to El Inferno just in time to see it all whither to dust and blow away in the wind. And not just the buildings! He watches people disintegrate right before his eyes! Oh, DC Comics! You just love to kill your old stories, don't you? "We already made money on them! They don't exist anymore! You fans! Stop thinking they exist! We tell you how to read our stories, okay?! Just be grateful we're going to bring back Pre-Flashpoint Gotham because you all whined so much! Fuckers. How dare you force our hands! Well, we'll show you! Unlike all of our Past Crises, this time we're now going to permanently permanently kill characters you love! For real this time! We mean it! Whoever fails is gone forever! Suck it!"

Wally thinks about his kids and they're suddenly sucked back into his Speed Force wake. Now the three of them take a quick tour around Telos trying to find their Gotham so Wally can beat the succulent piss out of Flashpoint Wonder Woman. They pass through Bizarro Metropolis (where the Bizarros probably don't quite understand the rules. They're standing around saying, "Me am not going to fight!" And Telos is all, "You have to fight!" And Bizarro is all, "Me not understand! Me not fight now!" And Telos is all, "I will destroy your city!" And Bizarro is all, "Me let you destroy city!" And Telos is all, "Yeah. Um. Okay. Um. What the fuck is going on?"), and then they zip by The Freedom Fighters' world as they battle Future End cyborgs, and then they pass through either Rann or Krypton and then Thanagar and then Follywood. As they zoom through Captain Carrot's world, Fastback notices them and follows after. So I guess Wally won't have to worry about getting his ass handed to him by Diana. I guess he's going to get fucked up by a talking turtle.

The Flash finally reaches a Gotham City and turns to fight Fastback. But being a jovial cartoon animal that loves a happy ending (not that kind of happy ending, you perverts), he just wants to team up with The Flash. Which is probably a pretty good idea since they seem to have stopped in Flashpoint Gotham where Wonder Woman is waiting to destroy them.

Oh Wonder Woman. He's a Speedster! You've already lost!

If comics had any internal consistency (which they don't and I'm glad they don't! Stop being boring trying to make them! But we can speculate on a world with internal consistency like I'm going to do after I close this parenthetical reference), The Flash would never lose a fight. The Flash's fights would never be exciting. The Flash's fights would be over as soon as he realized he was about to get into one. Unless his opponent can move as fast as he can, the fight is already over. He'd never be beaten by lazy writing like "nothing is faster than the speed of thought!" or "The Flash can't outrace Doctor Light's light power!" because thoughts actually take time to think and using a light power doesn't happen at the speed of light. And for The Flash to even be able to react to his own super speed, he must think as fast as he moves. So his thoughts are faster than the speed of thought! And before Doctor Light can even activate his power or before a psychic can take over The Flash's mind, The Flash will have hit them in the head with a brick and murdered them. Or maybe something less drastic.

So next issue should be one page of battle as Fastback (who is a fast turtle! Get it?!) and The Flash and Jai and Iris strip Wonder Woman naked and tie her up and hang her from a lamp post and bash her brains out with a brick before she can even finish pulling her sword out of the scabbard.

Convergence: Speed Force #1 Rating: Even though Wally West wasn't funny (although he did pick up a turtle sidekick which is super funny, right?!), this may have been my favorite Convergence book so far. Probably because The Flash ran around seeing other realities. And because his first thought was "Fuck this competition." Plus he's teaming up with one of the Zoo Crew which means the pun level should really go through the roof next issue! If it doesn't, I'm going to send a note to Tony Bedard that just reads, "You failed."