The Multiversity: Ultra Comics #1

Yay! I finally have a copy of a cursed comic book! Come and get me, Gentry!

This issue takes place on Earth-33 which is Earth Prime which is the fictional Earth of the DC Universe that represents the real Earth in which the DC Universe was created. I'm sure this entire plot will just be as confusing as that last sentence.

In my commentary on the first issue of The Multiversity (and a slight revisionist tweaking of them in the second issue), I pointed out that we, the readers, were going to be the heroes of this series. Because the only way the heroes could win the day and defeat The Gentry is if we continue reading the story to the ultimately heroic conclusion. That's why The Gentry want us to stop reading the comic book by writing "NOT" in big red letters on the cover of the comic book. They don't want us fucking up their plans by putting eyes to paper and setting the probable into the palpable.

I hope this is a Choose Your Own Adventure comic book! Or a Mad Lib! I want to be more than just a passive observer! I suppose I could get a pen and just draw dicks on everybody.

The issue begins with Ultra Comics telling me that he's from 38 pages and 24 hours into my future. Is that an insult? I may read slow but it doesn't take me a full day to read a forty page comic book! Asshole. He then tells me not to turn to the last page or "it's all over." Really?!

Ha ha ha! Fuck you, Ultra Comics!

Ultra also mentions that the comic book is indeed cursed. But with my help, he thinks he can stop the curse from spreading. But not the rest of you jerks! He tells the rest of you jerks not to turn the page or else your worlds will become infected too! And you don't want that because you can't handle it the way that I can. I'm a hero!

Except then some vines or centipedes or guts or something grab Ultra by the brain and he screams that the comic book is a trap called The Oblivion Machine and that I shouldn't turn the page.

I wonder if by "YOU!" he means me because I turned to the last page of the comic book when he told me not to? Maybe I'm the opposite of a hero! Whatever that is!

Ultra Comics says, "Do not turn the page for it is a trap, sir!" What do you do? If you turn the page, turn the page. If you choose not to turn the page, punch yourself in the genitals for wasting five dollars.

I choose to turn the page because I don't want to hit myself in the genitals again!

I wonder if I could have just given Grant Morrison five bucks to jerk off directly into my mouth?

Holy shit! This comic book is blowing my mind! There's a comic book character speaking directly to me! And everything he's saying is true! When I read his word balloon, it is like his voice is right in my head! And the comic book is a physical object! I've never had such a real and meaningful comic book experience in my whole entire life! Except maybe that time Groo ate some cheese dip. Ha ha! That was hilarious! Then somebody called him a mulcher and he got offended! Classic!

This guy tells me that I'm the secret identity of Ultra Comics. Me! He also says Ultra Comics has "thousands of secret identities" which kind of ruins the whole effect for me. I don't want to share this hero business with anybody with five bucks to blow on this comic book! I mean, one of those people could have been a girl! Eww!

On the next page, Ultra Comics rises out of a Four Color Printing Machine. He also has a big tube attached to his crotch because his cock must be massive! People are going to look at that and think, "Holy smokes! His secret identity must be that one guy with the massive cock!" They'll never guess it's me! I mean, they'll probably guess it's me!

Ultra Comics is all, "You can be a hero too if you just read this comic cover to cover!" But I'm all, "You just told me not to turn the page or to read the last page or to do anything, really!" And he's all, "That was probably a future version of me that doesn't know anything! Forget about him! It'll all be different somehow now!" And I'm all, "Bullshit! Comic book pages don't spontaneously change! It takes effort and a Sharpie and a lack of care for the potential future value of the comic book!"

After Ultra Comics is created, he only gets two pages to develop a history. So he saves Bruce Wayne's parents thus defeating Batman the only way he can be defeated! Then he saves Lois Lane from some Daemonites or something. Then Ultra Comics Boy Or Girl dies in a catastrophic crisis on infinite Ultra Comics unless it was just the Death in the Ultra Comics story. And then he goes all grim and modern and pulls out the intestines of some villain. He also gets an attitude with me, his secret identity! Hey buddy! I can stop reading at any time!

NO! Fuck you, Ultra Comics! FUCK. YOU. Right in the ass bone!

Ultra Comics merges with everybody reading the comic book and we all come in our pants with our various junk. He comes gushing waves of four color ink all over the floor of the lab where he was created. And suddenly he's ready to fight crime with the power of my imagination! I'm going to get him laid!

Ultra Comics heads out on his first adventure called "Out of His Box!" Since he's powered by my imagination and I want to get him laid, I Sharpie in the rest of the title: "...And Into Hers!"

The guy in the suit interrupts my comic book to tell me that Ultra Comics has been led into a trap. And then he adds that I have been led into a trap as well. Duh! I am Ultra Comics, buddy! You told me that! Why can't this guy remember what he already said?

While searching the strange, parallel world he's been sent to for his first adventure, Ultra Comics discovers he can hear his secret identities' thoughts as they read the comic book!

Oh god! I'm so embarrassed now!

Ultra Comics hasn't been led into a trap at all! He's the fucking cursed comic that's bringing the HIT (Hostile Independent Thought-form. Or a really super successful comic book) to all the other parallel worlds and/or our brains! Kill yourself, Ultra Comics! Kill yourself now!

See, it's annoying when you have somebody yelling at you to do as they say, isn't it, Ultra Comics?

I think what Ultra Comics is trying to say is that ideas are dangerous and yet we have no great security system to protect us from ideas. But he's wrong! We have the ultimate security to protect us from ideas! It's called bigotry and prejudice and close-mindedness and adamantly believing that whatever we believe is the best thing to believe!

Ultra Comics helps save a young woman from the Jussssstissssse Sssssossssssiety. That's a hissing joke because they're lizard people. I think. They might also be part spider people but I don't know what kinds of sounds spiders make because they're always drowned out by people screaming about how hideous they are.

After saving the young woman, she introduces Ultra Comics to her friends: The Neighborhood Guard! It's a bunch of kids fighting for their lives in a dystopian future where lizard people rule the wastelands! The kids have found one of Luthor's Transmatter Cube things and Ultra Comics helps deliver it to the grownups. I hope Ultra Comics doesn't wind up cursing the box and sending copies of his cursed comic books to all of the other worlds! Oh, of course that wouldn't happen. What will probably happen is Ultra Comics will talk to me some more and then blame me for cursing all of the other worlds because he's a fucking asshole that can't take responsibility for his own actions so he's going to blame the comic book readers.

The adults on this planet are all named Ultra. Even Ace Ultra from Justice League United is here! And for once somebody besides me calls him "Ace"! I really am in this comic book!

Oh, also? They're SUPER CANNIBALS!

Ultra Comics is captured so that he can be consumed by Ultraa! Ultraa was the original one and only Earth-Prime superhero who was the only survivor of a space ark that crashed into our sun. Controlled by a super computer named Maxitron, it sent Ultraa to Earth Prime to be the last survivor of his race. Eventually he was kidnapped to Earth-one by the Justice League of America because Earth-Prime just wasn't a great place for super heroes. Plus they fucked with all of our minds and erased all knowledge of him from our history! Those bastards! What gives them the right?!

Anyway, Ultraa tries to eat Ultra's brains. Instead he just eats the Crystal of Imagination! NO! That was my creativity, you...you...Oh! You you!

Ultraa prepares the Transmatter Cube and then Ultra defeats him with the power of his imagination. He's like Eddie in It with his asthma spray that becomes acid because he thinks it into being. But it's too late because one of The Gentry has started to come through the Transmatter Cube.

Well, at least it ate the dick in the suit.

Ultra battles Intellectron by trapping it inside his comic book which he claims is subject to criticism which will help defeat Intellectron. I have to say that the in-comic criticism is pretty shitty stuff. Come on, Grant Morrison! Critics aren't just mindless assholes who can only type things like, "The big bad is an egg? DER!" and "A 5-Dimensional evil egg! LOL!! DER!" and "This guy's raped my wallet way too many times! DER!" Well, that last one might be fairly accurate. Except you're being way too hard on yourself! If you meant for this to be a completely shitty comic book so that you could laugh at the people criticizing it because they helped to defeat the bad guy by criticizing it, then you fucked up because it's not that shitty! It's got Ace Ultra and Ultraa in it! That's...okay, so that's not actually great. But it is interesting? Plus super cannibals!

Wait! I shouldn't be defending this comic book because that makes me the villain! Dammit! I want to be the hero!

And then Grant Morrison calls comic books the Oblivion Machine and that they're wasting my precious life! What a jerk! How dare he...oh wait! I bet he was just talking about Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti comic books. Yeah, I agree! Total waste of my time. I couldn't describe their comic books better than "Oblivion Machine!" And I think, ultimately, the way to defeat The Gentry is to stop reading bullshit comic books and only pick up comic books written by Grant Morrison! And I'm now infected with a HIT so I'm off to get a shot of penicillin now.

Seriously though, does this mean that the Ultra Comics comic book is cursed because it lures The Gentry to any world where the comic is read but then the comic is actually a trap to catch The Gentry that is lured to the world? And then The Gentry become a comic book character for an Earth-Prime comic book where all of the readers are fucking asshole trolls who then punish The Gentry with their ridiculous criticism?