Saturday, April 25, 2015

Convergence: Justice League International #1


Justice League International only has two speeds: comic relief or horrible tragedy. I wonder which one we'll get this time!

This issue is called "It Only Hurts When I Laugh" which is probably a pretty apt title for the Justice League International I just described in the previous paragraph. It begins with Metallo marching down the street in front of the Daily Planet proclaiming that he shall be the new leader of Metropolis. That sounds like the cue for Booster and Beetle to drop in and make a dumb joke!

Or just Beetle.

So Roy Harper's cybernetic arm didn't work under the Dome but Red Tornado is fully functional. Do Martian Manhunter's powers work since they're part of his physiology and not actually super-powers? He obviously has his shapechanging ability still or else he'd look like a monstrous alien freak. No offense!

Blue Beetle makes sure to mention how they adapted Red Tornado's tech so that he could retain his powers so that fanboys like me can just suck it with our whiny bitching over every little pathetic detail. I get it, Blue Beetle! I'm annoying! I should just sit back and enjoy whatever DC Comics shoves in my face: shoddy characterization; implausible plot points; huge, erect, pre-cum dripping phalluses. I got the message! I need an attitude adjustment.

Blue Beetle has spent the last year working on new technologies to protect Metropolis when he should have been practicing his banter. His witty rejoinders just weren't good enough to balance out whatever tragedy is going to befall them by the end of this issue. After they defeat Metallo, Blue Beetle is already left with a broken arm with the owner of a nearby store taking him to task for destroying his restaurant in the melee. At the point the guy says Blue Beetle isn't a real hero is when, if I were Blue Beetle, I'd decide to fix up Metallo and set him loose on the streets of Metropolis. Fuck that ungrateful asshole. He's lucky he's not currently being used as a flesh socket for a robot dongle.

Later at Justice League International Headquarters, Beetle debriefs his team.

You traitor to the robot race, Tornado.

After the meeting, Fire tells Beetle that she wants to fuck but he's all, "No, I need to tend to my bug." Nobody makes a masturbation joke because they are all apparently from Mars.

That's funny. According to The New 52 Teen Titans, the Martians were all about justice and no mercy. You'd think a race that revered poets would be all up inside mercy.

J'onn has a sense of humor, Ted, it's just too subtle for fucking slap-monkeys like you and Booster. J'onn was also making a joke about joining you and Bea in bed, idiot. Or maybe it was a serious suggestion? If he still has his shapeshifting ability (which he must because look at him being all shapeshifted to look human!), he can fill all of their holes!

If Martian Manhunter ever makes it onto one of the new DC Comics television shows, he needs to be played by Andre Braugher.

Ted and J'onn have a boring conversation about the state of their world and their place in trying to keep it from falling apart. Thankfully they're interrupted by Planet Brainiac's Battle Games announcement.

The team congregates on the roof to listen to Planet Brainiac's message. When it's over and the dome is gone, they all discover that their powers have returned. Red Tornado observes silently and then the sad Charlie Brown music plays and he walks off to go sit back in the storage closet and turn himself off.

Justice League International's opponents arrive in a crack of thunder and flash of lightning. They are Wonder Woman, Captain Marvel, and a bunch of other Kingdom Come versions of characters like Obsidian, Jade, Blue Beetle, and others. Suffice to say with just Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel, I think they're powerful enough to destroy Justice League International. I know the JLI has Martian Manhunter and Captain Atom on their team, so they've got some pretty major fire power as well. But judging from their history? Half of them will be dead by the end of the next issue which might actually be cancelled halfway through the book.

Convergence: Justice League International #1 Rating: After Ambush Bug and Cheek's appearance at the end of Supergirl: Matrix #1, everything else is just going to be disappointing! Not to mention most of the stuff written by Ron Marz is also going to be disappointing. So this issue was doubly disappointing! I wish it would have concentrated on J'onn's search for just one more fucking Oreo left in the city. Or Blue Beetle talking to a Booster Gold hand puppet that he keeps strapped to the copilot's seat in the Bug. Even if the whimsical Justice League International can be a little much with the constant banter, the endless bickering, and the constant breaking of each other's balls, I still found it preferable to the Justice League International in which half of the members were constantly being hospitalized or killed. Maybe it's just time to forget this team ever existed.

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