Sunday, April 5, 2015

Infinity Man and the Forever People #9

Who cares?

Last issue with Infinity Man introducing himself to Big Bear and saying, "Oh yeah. I can manifest whenever I want. I just like watching you idiots touch that malfunctioning Mother Box and yelling 'Garblooey!' Ha ha. Totally hilarious."

Hopefully the revelations in this book will rival the revelations in Revelations! And hopefully they'll be more understandable. And hopefully none of them will leak out into other comic books. Can we just put this mess to rest here and now?

I like when the comic book says what I want to say before I can say it. Although I have already said multiple times that this comic book hasn't made any sense. I just hadn't gotten around to saying it yet in this commentary.

I'm going to begin calling my commentaries "critiques"! Doesn't that sound fancy?! I already sound smarter, right? I'm gonna make you proud yet, mama!

Wouldn't it be great if Infinity Man reveals all the secrets to Flashpoint and the Trinity of Sin and Convocation right here in this comic book? It would be a great big fuck you to all the smart people not reading this bullshit! I might even be the only one to learn all of the secrets! Am I the only person that purchased a copy of this issue? I wouldn't be surprised.

The first thing Infinity Man reveals is that The Joker did not rape Batgirl when he shot her in the spine and took naked pictures of her. He just really wanted to make that clear for Big Bear. Next he points out that Batman wasn't raped by Talia al Ghul at all because Batman is immune to Rohypnol so it was totally consensual. Then he goes off on a tangent where he wonders why he's never seen an anti-rape poster that points out how "sensual" is part of consensual and how it's sexy to get consent or something. Then Big Bear is all, "That's fucking disgusting, you idiot." And Infinity Man is all, "I was just trying out some new comedy. It's totally unfair to criticize me for new material!" And Big Bear was all, "I can have my opinions and my opinion is beginning to be that you're a problematic asshole!" And Infinity Man is all, "Okay! Okay! Calm down! Let's just get back to my revelations, okay?"

The third revelation from Infinity Man is that Batwoman was not raped by Nocturna and then she didn't have to deal with Nocturna blaming her for being victimized. Anybody who thought that totally read the situation wrong and should just know they were wrong and they shouldn't revisit the comic to try to prove that they weren't wrong at all and Nocturna totally blames Batwoman for her own rape and is a total gross asshole about the whole situation. Just believe the revelation, okay?

Infinity Man's fourth revelation is that it totally wasn't sexist and gross when DC Comics asked people to draw pictures of Harley Quinn naked in the bathtub trying to kill herself. That was comedy, people! Comedy! Jesus Christ (he says! Not me!), will you people get a sense of humor already!

Infinity Man's fifth revelation is that he didn't mean to tell readers with real issues about the things DC keeps printing that they were overreacting and that they needed to get a sense of humor. Infinity Man was totally thinking of something else at the moment and he's sure you misunderstood him and shit.

Infinity Man's sixth revelation is that Starfire is master of her sexuality and if it looked like she was portrayed as a cum dumpster that loves to gobble cum, it was only because you didn't read all of Scott Lobdell's tweets where he explicitly said that that wasn't how Starfire was being portrayed at all!

It's about at this point in the comic book where I started to think that maybe DC could have come up with a better way to spin their problems from the last few years than to try to spin them in a more positive way in continuity! These were really weird revelations!

Infinity Man's next revelation is his secret origin. It's about time Didio got around to the fucking characters in this comic book.

Infinity Man's secret origin is all about Izaya and how he turned into Highfather. At a crucial point in New Genesis's history, Izaya considers entering into a deal with Darkseid, exchanging his son Scott Free for Darkseid's son Orion. Unless they exchanged other sons. Anyway, to get some advice, Izaya visits the last shard of the original Source Wall. Apparently it's some kind of Magic Eight Ball.

DC is already selling replica Mother Boxes. Maybe they should sell mini-Source Wall's that answer questions like this?

Infinity Man is the bastard child of the Source Wall and Izaya's conscience. That's a pretty shitty revelation. I don't care about Infinity Man and I care even less about Highfather! So now I care many times more less than I used to about Infinity Man! Worst revelation and secret origin ever.

Stop threatening me with the possible continuation of crappy stories and garbage characters!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #9 Rating: -2 Ranking. Ugh. Uff. Blarg. Yeach. Pflooey.

No comments:

Post a Comment