If fans picked this book up hoping Roy Harper would finally be written as a likeable character, then they probably missed the small "Nicieza" down in the lower left.
Oh stop it, you fan fiction writers! Stop being so fucking sensitive! I'm not insulting your fucking writing! I'm just pointing out that it's of an amateur variety. If you mistook Antarctica for the Arctic, I would read it and think, "That would probably be corrected on a later draft if this story is even going to get a later draft which it probably isn't because it's not being written with a paycheck in sight but as just a part of the enjoyment of the fandom." Remember a professional piece of fiction has editors and proofreaders and people being paid a lot of money to make sure the fiction they're publishing isn't a complete embarrassment to their company. If you want to write a piece of incestuous fiction about Dream receiving a blow job from Destiny as Destruction licks Destiny's asshole, the only person you're embarrassing is yourself. And me if somebody catches me masturbating while reading it. But probably just you because I have a lock on my door. So when I compare The Culling to fan fiction, I'm just saying that...well shit. I just realized what I did. I owe writers of fan fiction an apology. The Culling was fucking awful.
Anyway, I could chalk up the whole Antarctica/Arctic thing to a couple of idiot writers like Nabian Ficieza or Lott Scobdell or Dom TeFalco (I'm using code so when their mothers Google their son's name to feel pride in their accomplishments, they won't find this bit where I metaphorically shit all over them). But then in Snott Scyder's Superman Unchained, the mistake crops up yet again! Now I've got to believe that all of the editors at DC Comics decided Geography was a bullshit subject so it was the perfect class to ditch so they could smoke dope underneath the bleachers and read Marvel comic books.
I remember Spider-man was my favorite superhero at around six or seven years old (I mentioned Marvel Comic books and now I'm talking about those! Keep up!). But then I tried reading a Spider-man comic book and I had to put it down because even at that age, I was all, "Jesus fucking Christ, Parker! Stop being such a pussy!"
But this is about The Titans! That's a comic book I really liked when I seriously got into comic books at about thirteen or fourteen. Although when I read it, I often thought, "Jesus fucking Christ, Dick Grayson. Stop being such a pussy!"
"You have to grow up or choose not to." Never before has one man so quickly thrown his hat into the ring of philosophy and immediately threw his back out, collapsed in pain, and gave up immediately.
To get a picture of what a lousy adult I am, here's a recent Google Hangouts conversation I had with my super grown up (or at least faking it really well) friend Doom Bunny:
Doom Bunny: "You hate people more than anyone else I know. How do you go through the day without punching somebody in the face?"
Me: "I don't interact with anybody!"
Doom Bunny: "That seems like cheating" [He didn't use punctuation like a lazy asshole!]
Me: "Refusing to play a game you never wanted to play in the first place is not cheating."
Me: "I'm going to have kimbap for lunch! That means I have to talk to somebody! I hope I don't punch them in the face."
Me: "You know what else keeps me from punching people in the face? I'm a pacifist!"
Me: "Also they're not real so why be bothered by them?"
Doom Bunny: "What's kimbap?"
I'm going to apologize to Fabian Nicieza right now before blasting him for being a shitty writer later because this was actually a good opening. I just realized the Narration Boxing was Roy Harper's. So it's just as inane and irritating as I'm used to after reading three years of Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper. So good job on capturing the shittiness of New 52 Roy Harper, Fabes!
Except this isn't New 52 Roy Harper! This is Preboot Roy! I'm taking back my fucking apology! You're the worst, Fabes!
Hal: "He's abusing heroin, Ollie." Ollie: "What?! Roy! You told me you were diabetic!"
He left out the most important part: Soulpatch.
At least going over his history this quickly gets him right into the part where the dome covers Gotham. Although in his story, Starfire crashes into the clock face of Barbara's apartment because her flight gets turned off. I guess Kory wasn't actually flying in Nightwing Loves Oracle #1. She must have been leaping off of the roof of a building and catching on to Nightwing's rope. And because of their sexual history, it didn't cause Nightwing to crash out of the sky. They totally know each other's moves.
With all the super powers turned off, crime dropped in Gotham. Although since when was having super powers ever part of Gotham's criminal arsenal? Anyway, things calmed down. That let Roy feel less useless because now super heroes weren't needed and he didn't have to constantly eat his spleen about having given up super heroics. So he got a grant from the Wayne Foundation because, even though everybody is now sharing everything under the dome, Roy still needed money to open up Lian's Place for displaced families.
I've been avoiding discussing what happened to the economy of these domed cities and I will continue to avoid it even when one of these stories spits it into my face with a moment like this. How many businesses were ruined by loss of contact with the outside world? How are the banks supposed to have access to enough physical funds for everybody now? What would anybody need money for? According to Harley Quinn #1, drugs are running out and people are still working jobs that probably don't fucking matter anymore (for a full year?! What the hell?). According to Nightwing Loves Oracle #1, lots of types of food is running out. According to Superman #1, Lois Lane is still writing articles and Superman is still stopping crime. According to Batman and Robin #1, The Penguin is still trying to make money by controlling the means of production within the city (although isn't everything the city needs provided for by Planet Brainiac?!). According to me, I don't want to think about any of this shit!
Aha! The economy is now based around pornography! I bet Troy Photo Studios now rivals Wayne Enterprises!
Kory and Donna have their powers back. It's a good thing this comic book didn't begin with Donna Troy narrating it because there's no way she'd explain her history in just two pages. The three of them have the most natural conversation Roy, Starfire, or Donna Troy have had since the Reboot. So that's one check in Fabian Nicieza's win column even though the Donna Troy part of that last sentence is a gimme.
Is that a pedophilia joke?
What voice?! You heard it before they did! You might have missed the second half which they apparently heard but asking Donna "What voice?" after hearing the initial proclamation when the dome fell? Stop being an idiot, Roy Harper! Don't forget: you are Preboot Roy Harper! Now act like it!
Nope. They get to fight more of The Extremists! And they get the more interesting members of The Extremists! Probably because these are the more powerful members with crazier powers that Batman and Robin might have a bit more trouble dealing with.
The Sabretooth ripoff just has to bring gender into it! He should actually point out how the Doc Ock look-a-like is a loser because he's a fucking Doc Ock look-a-like. Who is also fat. Come on! It's pertinent! He makes a bigger starbolt target!
Boy scout's honor! Not girl scout's honor! Let's not get crazy! If I want honor, I'll go to the Boy Scouts where they learn how society works like how women in short skirts were asking for it and how to make wooden cars that go fast due to gravity and how gay people are not qualified to keep children safe in the woods. If I want cookies, I'll go to the girl scouts. Actually, I'll just walk past the girl scouts desperately trying to sell me cookies to support their organization so I can enter the store to buy Oreos.
What a pig! Also he's sexist!
What I'm trying to say is that he brings Lian back to life and offers Roy a choice. If he kills Donna and Kory, Dreamslayer will let him have Lian back. Although that supposes that he can actually kill Kory or Donna with his dumb arrow. Plus he might want to take into account that this guy's name is "Dreamslayer." That doesn't sound like the kind of guy that makes your dreams come true! Plus his face looks like a vagina leaking Sunny Delight.
I've never actually seen a vagina but I have consumed loads of Sunny Delight in my youth, so I think I know what I'm talking about. I used to drink Sunny Delight before all the cool people I know told me that it was gross and then I was all, "Yeah, yeah. Totally. I never drink that shit."
The issue ends with Roy's cybernetic, double-barreled wrist gun's barrels turning, one barrel each, towards Kory and Donna. Then the barrels say, "Kra-KOOM!" and light explodes out of them. But then the page says, "To be continued!" So I don't know if Roy actually shot Kory and Donna's faces off. I'm going to guess not. Plus Lian is probably real and they'll save her anyway because one of the fans' demands was to bring Lian Harper back. And DC Comics was all, "Anything you want, fans! Except all that other stuff you want! Plus all this stuff you hate! But you really want this, right? Well, now you have to shut up and love us!"
Convergence: Teen Titans #1 Rating: You suck, Fabian Nicieza. You especially suck because I wanted to get super duper angry at this comic book and relive my hyperbolic anger days! But instead you went and wrote a story that improved Roy and Starfire and Donna. At least by their New 52 standards! You actually caught, as much as you could in one short issue, the feeling of friendship I remember between these characters back when I was reading The Titans in the nineties. Or late eighties. Whenever! So congratulations, you stupid asshole, on ruining my day by actually writing a decent comic book. Dick.
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