The Flash #40

Vertigo-go-go!

If you're reading this comic book and not watching the television show of the same name, you should probably rethink your choices. I can't imagine that anybody out there is reading this and not watching the show. That's totally the wrong way around! You watch stuff first and then if you're interested in getting more of the characters from the show, you read the comic books or the sort-of-shitty series of books based on the show or you dig around for some fan-fiction because not enough of the male characters on the show are fucking each other. But who would read this and not watch the show? Watching television is so easy! And The Flash is so fucking good!

I appreciate Arrow for how it set up a really great way to present the DC Universe on television. It did a phenomenal job bringing the DCU to life. But holy shit has it dropped the ball! I'm so sick of characters suddenly despising other characters simply because they found out the other character was keeping a secret! And I'm seriously sick of characters simply looking at another character and realizing something is up. Okay, The Flash does way too much of this as well. Maybe I'm just not social enough but I can't remember the last time I was hanging out with some friends and one of them noticed that I wasn't quite my usual self and so they said, "How are you feeling? Something wrong?" And of course something was wrong and it had to do with them being a total dickhole but I couldn't say anything so I had to put up a strong front and say, "No, no! Of course not!" But really I was thinking, "You fucking dickhole! Stop being such a total dickhole!" I mean, that hardly ever happens to me in real life!

But damn The Flash is so good. It's making up for how horrible the previous Flash television show was! Holy fucking God that series was boring!

But enough about a television show that is so much better than the current story happening in this comic book with characters that are four-fifths legs. I think it's all the time travelling that's fucked up everybody's proportions. But that should all be fixed by the end of this issue! No more Future-Flash! Unless it winds up being no more Present-Flash? Whichever! I don't really care which one survives.

"You're right, Iris! Flash was going to kill that guy that is going to kill everybody else! He's a murderer! Except he didn't kill the guy who's going to kill us all so he's not technically a murderer yet. But that shouldn't stop you from writing an article about how he's a murderer! Because he did say he was going to kill the guy and there's no way that was just hyperbole while trying to scare the crap out of his opponent! Gosh, Iris! Flash is so much worse than this guy threatening all of these innocent people!"

As you can see from the previous caption, I'm currently not too fond of Iris and Patty. Sure, Future-Flash is a murdering sicko bastard psychopath! But they don't actually know that! They're jumping to all sorts of conclusions on the most flimsy evidence and bullshit hunches! Iris and Patty judging Future-Flash like this (even if they're right) is no better in my eyes than all the people that see Superman as a threat (even if they're right. I mean, seriously, Superman. How many times do you have to be mind-controlled before you realize you're a fucking danger to everybody?).

Future-Flash punches Overload in his Atomic Skully, Ghost-Rider-wannabe head but it barely fazes the guy. I'm not sure how it doesn't knock his head completely off. But he doesn't press the attack and put the guy down. No, why would he? Instead he tells Overload all about how he hunted him for years in the hopes of capturing him. Then he taunts him a bit with how his suit is immune to Overload's power instead of punching Overload in the face or picking him up and running him out to the salt flats where he can't pick up anymore power. He does nothing that a hero should do. Probably because he's not a hero! This is the proof that he's a villain! He can't help but tell his plan to Overload which gives Overload enough time to blow up Future-Flash's watch and mangle his hand. Ha ha! Serves you right, Future-Flash!

How about this question: "Why are you telling me all of this shit instead of stopping the maniac that's about to kill everybody?" Jesus fuck me Christ, Patty! Stop telling him stupid questions that you aren't going to ask him and let him save the fucking city already!

Sometimes I wish I were reading Marvel so I can point out how stupid their comic books are too! Fucking assholes that think Marvel shits pearls! I could so make you think otherwise!

Meanwhile in the dumb-dumb world of the Speed Force where Barry Allen has fallen for Hairy Potter's intricate web of lies, Barry is about to lose his power to Selkirk (aka Hairy Potter because he has a lightning bolt scar and a manly chest). He performs the ritual which he learned by wandering the world seeking out Speed Force lore and finding it everywhere he went, naturally! You don't get laughed out of higher learning because of your ridiculous theories and your shitty thesis without heading out into the world and finding proof for your laughable ideas everywhere you look! I mean in a comic book!

Back in the present, only a few people are killed while Patty and Future-Flash discuss how he betrayed her and lied to her and kind of raped her if you really think about it and how he needs to stop Overload without killing him. So Future-Flash runs around at superspeed using everybody's cell phones and it crashes the network. Well, LexCorps has a shitty network if it can't handle that little bit of data from the phones in the crowd which were already pinging the tower as people used them but then Flash like, um, overused them, I guess.

Overload is just happy that the buzzing is gone and he's hauled off by the police to be placed in a mental ward where they probably have lots and lots of buzzing due to the wi-fi and the doctor's cell phones and the florescent lights and the electro-shock therapy machines. And Future-Flash declares that he isn't the same guy that killed that college kid in an earlier issue. Totally different now. He's seen the light! Hopefully he still has time to stop Iris from running her "Killer Flash" story! I still don't see how she can think "Killer Flash" is the headline of the decade. Iris is an idiot.

Back in the Speed Force, Selkirk finishes the ritual and Barry gets his powers back. Selkirk burns off half of his face by getting too close to the lightning. He's already covered in scars. What's one more that takes up most of his head? As The Flash speeds off to leave the Speed Force, he leaves some of his power behind for Selkirk. I guess he'll be the villain after Conversation.

Or sooner!

It sure would be convenient if Selkirk murdered Future-Flash! Isn't it always nice when another villain can kill somebody that the hero doesn't know how to deal with or what to do with? It's always nice when they can have their murder and eat it too.

Or the other way around. Future-Flash, realizing that either he or Barry is going to blow due to some law of time travel or the Speed Force that he made up earlier, offers to sacrifice himself to take out Selkirk. That leaves Barry just swimming in murder which he can both eat and have at the same time!

Before Future-Flash disappears in a paradox, he tells Barry that he found a clue to their mother's murder: Thawne. Of course he doesn't spell that out for Barry so Barry isn't going to have any real idea what the fuck he said.

Oh come on! You never actually proved that he murdered that one kid that showed weird internal damage that could possibly have come from somebody using super speed! This is the weakest break-up of The New 52 so far! Although not the most surprising or the one anybody even fucking cares about. Seriously, Patty. You were a total placeholder.

Finally there's an epilogue where Selkirk, now featuring a broken spine, meets Professor Zoom. Is Flash only going to battle other speedsters in this series?

The Flash #40 Rating: -1 Ranking. How am I supposed to be happy that all of this time travel bullshit is over when the issue ends with the threat of fucking Eobard Thawne?! I'm time traveled out over here! And super-speeded out as well! Can't Barry just have a nice, relaxing battle with Captain Cold? I don't want Flash to return in June to "face his deadliest enemies yet." I want him to face his cuddliest foes! Where are the good-natured antagonists? The criminals with a sense of humor?! When is DC going to put the fun back in this comic book?