Convergence: The Atom #1

"You had an Atom on you but I killed it."

As I picked this comic book up to scan it, I got my first real look at it and thought, "Ugh. Steve Dillon!" Then I checked the artists and didn't see Dillon and thought, "Oh, guess not." But then I pulled the comic out of the scanner to get a good look at it and saw Steve's name under the hand. I'm glad he's just the cover artist!

My guess when they began casting for AMC's Preacher was that they were going to match actors with Glen Fabry's covers. If they went by Dillon's art, they could just hire a bunch of clones and put different wigs on them. But then I decided to do a search to see if they've cast anybody yet and found that they have cast Jesse Custer and Tulip O'Hare.

Elizabeth Perkins has the exact shape of the one face Steve Dillon can draw!

Compare Elizabeth Perkins to the shape of the face on the cover of The Atom! Flatten the bottom of Perkins' chin a bit and they're nearly identical! Then when I saw a picture of Dominic Cooper, my mind was blown!

It's like I'm reading the comic book all over again!

My biggest regret when I'm on my death bed will probably be how there won't be enough time to list all of my regrets. All those people who die with the words, "I have no regrets!", on their lips are lying, soon-to-be-dead assholes! Even if I only had a few regrets to mention before death, nobody would be able to understand them through my incessant scream-weeping.

This is my last issue of the first week of Convergence! Soon I'll be able to read about the next Multiversal Thunderdome Match-up! Then I can grow steadily more and more bored with that one!

According to some nobody on the streets of Gotham during Speed Force #1, The Atom has gone crazy. Probably because he couldn't impress the ladies with that trick he does with his penis and his growing powers.

The issue begins with some kids trapped in a collapsed warehouse and The Atom arriving on the scene to save them.

They're less than thrilled about it.

The kids hope The Atom can help by going to get somebody who can help. But The Atom has a trick up his sleeve! Or in his glove! Not in his pants, asshole! He seems to have retained the power to make his hand grow! He digs the kids out with his elephant masturbating hand and then creeps them all out by trying to touch them with it. They take off while The Atom continues to speak with a voice in his head. Since this is the Ray Palmer Atom and I know Ryan Choi is supposed to be in this too, my guess is Ryan Choi is stuck as a teeny, tiny person inside Ray's brain. As for why just his hand grows? I don't know. I'm sure it's symbolic of some issue. Probably an onanistic issue. Not the real definition of "onanistic" which is pulling out during sexual intercourse which I'm surprised is in the dictionary judging by the way people have come to use it to mean having to do with masturbation which is the second dictionary definition and the way I just used it! Thanks, dogma, for making shit up that isn't actually in The Bible but which everybody now believes. Ignorant fucking priests just trying to control everybody through lies and misrepresentations of The Bible's text.

After rescuing the kids, Ray Palmer jumps in front of a news microphone to remind everybody that Slade Wilson is a dick. Slade Wilson just happens to be at home watching the local news which really causes me to lose respect for him. Watching the local news is the worst sin he's every committed.

Slade Wilson in his "disguise."

Wilson throws on his old costume so that people on the street will recognize him and stay clear as opposed to how he's pretty sure that out of his costume with his shaved head, they don't recognize him at all even though they all stay clear of him anyway. He hunts down The Atom and tries to blow him up. I bet Slade Wilson has a heart attack during this fight. Isn't he just an old man without his regeneration?

The Atom's imminent death is interrupted by Planet Brainiac's poem about how there can be only one city. And then The Atom is teleported out of the city to face Barracuda, one of the Extremists. I guess the editors at DC didn't really care how each writer got their chosen hero into battle with their chosen antagonist because the story reasons have been all over the place. Some were chosen. Some just happened to be attacked. Some have been transferred to a different location to fight. Some have just blundered into battle. At least according to Batgirl and Harley Quinn, lists of champions were provided to the city. I bet more of the process will be explained in the weekly Convergence title.

The Atom takes a moment before getting swept up into battle to see if Barracuda wants to join forces to take on Planet Brainiac. But since Barracuda is a bad guy, and a stupid one at that being that he's one of The Extremists (they aren't very smart, for the most part), he'd rather just kill The Atom. After that, he can just sit back and wait for the rest of The Extremists to win their battles.

Ray Palmer defeats his villain before the second issue even begins! I bet because the real battle will be with Deathstroke! Also, he's got to spend a lot of time finding out why Ryan Choi was living inside of his hand all of this time.

Ryan must have felt really awkward when Ray would masturbate.

Convergence: The Atom #1 Rating: Just because The Atom's hand can enlarge, why does it automatically make me think about masturbation? I might have a problem! I think you know when you've matured and become a real adult when you're not constantly snickering about masturbation. Not that I don't think masturbation isn't a serious subject! Masturbation itself isn't funny. It's an activity that everybody should engage in. If you want to please your future life partner (not to mention the dozens of sexual partners you'll have before you find your future partner), you really should know what pleases you. That advice might be more towards women since strong breezes will please most men. Some people think that masturbating steals your chi and destroys your creative energies. But I think masturbation clears your mind! Do it in the morning and you'll have several free hours where you won't be constantly thinking about sex. Unless a super hot person bends over in front of you while in the office or while getting your morning coffee. Then, of course, you'll have to go masturbate surreptitiously in a public bathroom. Just to, you know, get your mind right again.

It's after a summary like that when I get the most people asking me what I really thought of the comic book. But the thing is, you don't really care what I think about any of these comic books. What does my opinion matter? I'm just a big dope that spends an inordinate amount of time reading funny books that I barely even care about! My opinion is worthless! Better I just talk about self-pleasure.