Teen Titans Annual #1

And just when I thought Superboy was going to start getting some joy out of life. I guess DC hates him.

After writing more than 2000 reviews on comics, I'm going to have to allow myself to repeat stories I've already told. Generally, I can remember what I've written about so I know when I'm repeating myself and, often, I make note that I've said something before. My memory sucks in a lot of ways, like remembering where in time something happened or coming up with names or specific words. But one area that my memory seems to work well is knowing when and who I've told a story to. It's probably because my interactions with other people are so limited. Often when someone I know begins telling me a story that they've already told me, I'm never quite sure what to do. Do I just listen to them tell the entire thing again? Do I tell them they've already told me and then stand their awkwardly having caused a rift in the conversation? Do I punch them in the throat and kick them a few times when they've fallen down? Sometimes I just make jerking off motions until they get angry and leave. I'd trade in my inability to come up with the exact word I want to use while writing if it meant I would often retell the same stories to the same people constantly. I wish we could pick our flaws so we could get bonus points in other areas of our lives. I would pick the flaws "Too Handsome," "Born To Horribly Wealthy Assholes," and "Uncomfortably Large Cock." Then with my bonus points, I'd put some in "Handsomeness" and some in "Wealth" and some in "Cock Size." I'd choose those three traits because they are the three biggest factors in becoming a successful man! I don't know what women would replace "Cock Size" with to become successful. "Butt Firmness"?

This issue is called "The Source of Mercy" because it is about how Superboy learns about Allah, I'm guessing? The issue begins with a whole bunch of dead people in a street, a house on fire, a woman praying, and Superboy lying unconscious and still unhappy. He was created to be a living weapon, you know!

I actually forgot this was a Teen Titans comic book and not a Superboy comic book until I got to the page with Manchester Black and Red Robin hanging out. Which is kind of stupid of me since Superboy has spent most of his time in other characters' comic books anyway. In the entire run of his series, I don't think he ever got to have any adventures of his own. They were always tied up with other books. Poor kid.

All of the Titans are trying to sort out the news they're hearing about Superboy having committed this atrocity. Red Robin mentions that he's not going to contact Wonder Girl by phone because she probably needs a hug or something.

She's so sad because even though he was constantly trying to kill her, he was so cute!

Well I guess since people all over social media are speculating on what happened and saying that Superboy killed them all, and then Lois Lane is reporting on the speculation, that must be what happened! Social Media: The Most Trusted News Source In The World (that doesn't contain fact checking).

Sure, I just took a shot at people getting their news from a huge game of telephone. But the usual media sources? They deserve to not be trusted anymore because they fucking decided to stop doing the media's actual job. Of course people are going to believe whatever hyperbolic bullshit tumbles down the page on their social newsfeeds when the old standard media has also decided that fact checking is so twenty years ago. Here's why nobody likes you anymore, Old Media: there was a time when you did research and investigations to discover the truth of a matter. Now all you do is report what other people are saying and giving equal time to lies and bullshit so that the viewer can decide the truth. That's never been the media's job, you dickheads. Stop playing politics and get back to investigation and research or else the entire world is just going to listen to their friend's cousin's uncle's hairdresser before they listen to you.

Also, I'm so sick of this Wonder Girl/Superboy pseudo-relationship thing. It was never a thing in The New 52 so stop trying to recall their past relationship from an entirely different universe. All they've really done is punch each other in the face while saying things like "If you weren't such a murderous dick, I'd totally suck your dick!" and "I'm going to punch you in the tits or put my dick between them! I haven't decided yet!"

John Jones, detective with a penchant for Oreos!

Red Robin and Wonder Girl discuss Kon and how he became their friend even though they knew he was a living weapon. I'm not really sure how friendly they all became. I know Superboy and Bunker went out on a few dates. But Superboy wasn't even Kon for half the time they knew him! He was Jon! I think. Superboy's history is kind of confusing. But anyway, Wonder Girl doesn't seem to be crushing on him at all like Lobdell was trying to make it. She still doesn't really trust him. I approve of that even though she'll probably be kissing him before the end of the issue.

Martian Manhunter reads Kon's mind and finds out he did kill those people. But it turns out they were Durlans. Those are shape-changers for anybody that doesn't care about the Legion of Super-heroes. So he probably had a good reason to kill them since Durlans are always making trouble with their ability to hide among other species for their own conniving purposes.

Raven is hanging out with the band she inspired, Dark Mistress. Unless it's Night Mistress. The band doesn't even know. But then they're kind of stupid assholes.

So "black-white" is a metaphor for "night-dark." Idiot. By the way, the whole "it's a metaphor" meme? Never, ever funny. About as entertaining as planking.

Martian Manhunter is upset that Superboy killed the hidden Durlans although Martian Manhunter can sympathize even though Durlans are jerks! Didn't Hal Jordan mention how they tried to take over the universe and destroy the reputation of the Green Lantern Corps?

Martian Manhunter points out that "there are thirty-seven words for justice on Mars" and how "there is no word for mercy." Well then, you fucking piece of shit, your justice didn't really mean much, did it? Martians were probably just a bunch of bureaucratic assholes full of pent-up rage. Did one of those thirty-seven words happen to mean "killing somebody that might possibly have murdered a whole bunch of other people but not actually having any real proof yet"? Also, if Martian Manhunter is going to kill Superboy because he killed a bunch of aliens that may or may not have been trying to conquer Earth, he might want to go strangle Batman after this since he recently dropped a load of aliens into a volcano.

Martian Manhunter and the final Durlan, Ra'ut, get into an eye-beam battle over whether or not Superboy is at fault for the death of the Durlans. I know J'onn is often portrayed as stodgy and boring so it's nice when he's given some personality. But not this. He's the guy you go to for calm and rational. Even if this situation has hit a nerve, I just don't buy it that he'd fly off the handle like this and engage in a battle in the middle of a police precinct that could cause more deaths. But drama! This is drama! And that makes good comic books! Fight, heroes! Fight!

Superboy and Ra'ut escape from Martian Manhunter. Kon decides to call Tim for a little help even though the Teen Titans will be the first place anybody looks for him! Normally I'd say it wouldn't be but according to the comic book, everybody knows everything about the Titans and loves them and they also love Superboy because he was kind of part of the team when nobody knew who they were.

Allegedly! Allegedly killed twenty-two innocent people!

Wonder Girl slaps Superboy and wonders why he didn't tell them he was back from the future. Well, actually, Wonder Girl...he's back from the dead. See, the future Superboy was not this Superboy! This Superboy was dead and acting as a Silver Surfer Wannabe for that piece of shit garbage Oracle character created by a piece of shit garbage writer. I don't even think this Superboy would know what you're talking about with the future shit! He's had a bit of a complicated life lately.

As the Titans try to figure out what to do with Superboy in his new metaphor (God I hate that I typed that), J'onn J'onzz comes crashing through the wall because he's a thoughtless, destructive dick. No wait. That's somebody else. This must not be Martian Manhunter. It's probably a Durlan because J'onn wouldn't act like a careless asshole.

Martian Manhunter punches Gar in the head and probably kills him. Then he blasts Raven with heat vision and probably kills her. Then he makes green ring things at Red Robin and probably kills him. He does know he's the most powerful super hero on Earth and he's fighting a bunch of teenagers for no reason, right? I'm also pretty sure that he can phase so he didn't need to smash through the wall and possibly ruin the integrity of a skyscraper thus endangering hundreds of lives. Martian Manhunter is a dick.

Superboy knocks out J'onn J'onzz because this is a Teen Titans comic. Sorry, J'onn! Also, you were kind of asking for it. Although when Manchester Black shows up and decides to use you for a couch, that's maybe going a little too far. I think it also might be racist somehow.

Red Robin, Bunker, Beast Boy, Raven, Superboy, and Ra'ut scarper. They have to go to ground while they figure out how to clear Superboy's name. Too bad! They were just getting famous for being the good guys! I guess that's not DC's way though. They'd rather have the Teen Titans miserable and constantly on the run. I think it's a metaphor! You know, for teen angst and how adults never understand?

Manchester Black arrives to convince Power Girl and Wonder Girl to join STAR Labs new group of super heroes. I'm not sure why Manchester Black has been so interested in getting the Teen Titans to work for him when he has his own team of heroes. I guess he just wanted a bigger roster.

Meet the new teen members: Klarion! Impulse! The Guardian! An Indigo Lantern! And the snake is probably Martian Girl! Unless Ra'ut winds up being Martian Girl even though she's a Durlan and not a White Martian.

Teen Titans Annual #1 Rating: Why is this book slipping right into the shit that made it so horrible way back in the Harvest days? Once again, we have the Teen Titans on the run from other teen heroes working for a shady corporation with lots of periods in its name. I think it's Superboy's fault. Can DC Comics just keep Superboy out of every other comic book until they figure out who he is and what they should do with him? His confusing origin and back story and history and identity fucks up everybody else's good times. New 52 Superboy is a useless mess.